(no subject)
Last night I began thinking about the school year spent at Lakeland Community College. I flunked a math course and Spanish 1, but I thrived in English Comp. 1 & 2, Political Science, Intro. to Philosophy, and Creative Writing. I was made for Western Civilization (insert Sander's snickering. WHY MUST YOU BE RIGHT!!). Had I remained there, I would have traveled in the direction of an English/Philosophy type degree. I would have continued creative writing because I was in an academic situation that fostered it, uncensored and unfettered. The first line of my first piece in English Comp. 1 was:
"The whore set me up!"
I read it before the class, to resounding praise from peers and professor. My professor wrote, on one piece, "Forget missionary work, you need to be a writer!" He had graduated from a Catholic seminary.
These thoughts bring me to two questions: Why do I not receive similar encouragement from my professors here, and why do I not continue to write?
The first question is easier to answer than the second. The professors with whom I interact on a near-daily basis are here to prepare their students for a rigorous lifestyle overseas with constant organizational pressure. The job which their students hope to do does not provide encouragement for creative writing, it provides reward for tangible numerical results with the expectation that God will take care of any humanistic/existential satisfaction. Knowing what I know (epistemology?) of the Cross-Cultural Department here at TFC, I do not blame the professors at all. Honestly, I don't even blame the church at large which has produced this type of value hierarchy. I understand the reasons behind it, and the limitations of humans to accomplish the task which they feel called to complete. The C&MA takes the best shot they can, and is exhausted at the end of the day. I don't even blame ___ _______ (though I think he's a jerk).
The second question is harder to answer because it requires that I analyze myself and receive a guaranteed-negative end result. There are multiple factors in play:
-personal discipline
-arrogance
-distraction
-ignorance to the true nature of my gifts and their use
This list is probably not exhaustive, but contains some important issues. Until Spring '07, I was not disciplined in the least. When I moved off-campus, and had a door which I could shut and no one was interested in opening, my productivity spiked. It has continued on an upward trend ever since. Before that time, I was concerned with seeing people on campus. When I moved off-campus, my time suddenly became full of necessities and short on luxuries (such as a large, diverse friend base). The necessities began to prioritize my life for me, and that created a "time-strata" of my daily actions. This strata has continued to develop to this day (after all, I got married), and now I am at the point where the shortcomings of operating on daily necessity only are readily apparent. I need to make time for writing. I haven't fully explained how that relates to personal discipline, but trust me, it does. I am moving on.
I am an arrogant SOB when it comes to writing because I know that if I put my mind to it, I can do it well. I believe that for this reason, God temporarily removed my drive to output creatively. The desire was there, but not the motivation. It is like having an old Delorean without a Flux Capacitor. No catharsis. This removal happened imperceptibly; I knew that something was lacking but was unable to put my finger on it. After searching and searching, I have found the source of my discontent. This causes me to appreciate the ability which I have been given more than I would have otherwise. If the ease of writing which I once had is gone, my awareness of and respect for the gift and giver are much greater.
Distraction - Discretion is the better part of valor. There were many, and in many different fields. Spiritual, emotional, physical, academic, personal, familial, etc.
Ignorant is something which everyone thinks that they are not and that everyone else is. The world suffers from an ignorance-loop which the studio-lackey producers inserted after the director submitted his final cut (damn you, Jerry Bruckheimer!). It's like the redundant action montage from hell. I fell into this loop and am certainly not free of it, yet I am more aware of its effect on my life.
The important thing is this: I do not fully understand why God gave me both ability and desire to write (I never have understood, and any claims I made to the contrary are lies), but He did, and I should use that to help bring Him into focus for others. I cannot force others to see what I see, but God, who has access to the heart, can nudge my readers in the direction He intends as they read. That is my hope.
Now how do I go about fulfilling this hope? Keep writing, yes, but what and to what extent? The fruit of pondering continues to ripen...
"The whore set me up!"
I read it before the class, to resounding praise from peers and professor. My professor wrote, on one piece, "Forget missionary work, you need to be a writer!" He had graduated from a Catholic seminary.
These thoughts bring me to two questions: Why do I not receive similar encouragement from my professors here, and why do I not continue to write?
The first question is easier to answer than the second. The professors with whom I interact on a near-daily basis are here to prepare their students for a rigorous lifestyle overseas with constant organizational pressure. The job which their students hope to do does not provide encouragement for creative writing, it provides reward for tangible numerical results with the expectation that God will take care of any humanistic/existential satisfaction. Knowing what I know (epistemology?) of the Cross-Cultural Department here at TFC, I do not blame the professors at all. Honestly, I don't even blame the church at large which has produced this type of value hierarchy. I understand the reasons behind it, and the limitations of humans to accomplish the task which they feel called to complete. The C&MA takes the best shot they can, and is exhausted at the end of the day. I don't even blame ___ _______ (though I think he's a jerk).
The second question is harder to answer because it requires that I analyze myself and receive a guaranteed-negative end result. There are multiple factors in play:
-personal discipline
-arrogance
-distraction
-ignorance to the true nature of my gifts and their use
This list is probably not exhaustive, but contains some important issues. Until Spring '07, I was not disciplined in the least. When I moved off-campus, and had a door which I could shut and no one was interested in opening, my productivity spiked. It has continued on an upward trend ever since. Before that time, I was concerned with seeing people on campus. When I moved off-campus, my time suddenly became full of necessities and short on luxuries (such as a large, diverse friend base). The necessities began to prioritize my life for me, and that created a "time-strata" of my daily actions. This strata has continued to develop to this day (after all, I got married), and now I am at the point where the shortcomings of operating on daily necessity only are readily apparent. I need to make time for writing. I haven't fully explained how that relates to personal discipline, but trust me, it does. I am moving on.
I am an arrogant SOB when it comes to writing because I know that if I put my mind to it, I can do it well. I believe that for this reason, God temporarily removed my drive to output creatively. The desire was there, but not the motivation. It is like having an old Delorean without a Flux Capacitor. No catharsis. This removal happened imperceptibly; I knew that something was lacking but was unable to put my finger on it. After searching and searching, I have found the source of my discontent. This causes me to appreciate the ability which I have been given more than I would have otherwise. If the ease of writing which I once had is gone, my awareness of and respect for the gift and giver are much greater.
Distraction - Discretion is the better part of valor. There were many, and in many different fields. Spiritual, emotional, physical, academic, personal, familial, etc.
Ignorant is something which everyone thinks that they are not and that everyone else is. The world suffers from an ignorance-loop which the studio-lackey producers inserted after the director submitted his final cut (damn you, Jerry Bruckheimer!). It's like the redundant action montage from hell. I fell into this loop and am certainly not free of it, yet I am more aware of its effect on my life.
The important thing is this: I do not fully understand why God gave me both ability and desire to write (I never have understood, and any claims I made to the contrary are lies), but He did, and I should use that to help bring Him into focus for others. I cannot force others to see what I see, but God, who has access to the heart, can nudge my readers in the direction He intends as they read. That is my hope.
Now how do I go about fulfilling this hope? Keep writing, yes, but what and to what extent? The fruit of pondering continues to ripen...