Me and My Gender Identity
How does one identify one's gender? Most by what is between their legs. Others by how they feel and think. I feel as if I'm not sure about myself. Along with my sexuality, I have always struggled with myself identity.
Growing up in a strictly Christian, "God fearing" family, I was brought up to believe that God made man and woman for each other and to reproduce. But struggling with the fact that gender did not influence how I felt about a person romantically led me to question this. I started to research further into this. When I hit middle school, of course, I met homosexual peers. But this still didn't seem like to right label for me. After stumbling upon the term while I was researching online when I was around 18 I finally found the term that fit my sexuality. Pansexual. I am Pansexual and I am comfortable and proud of it.
I, however, feel as though I may not just be gender-blind to other people, but possibly to myself as well. As a child I would pee standing up, pretending I was a boy. As a teenager, I would wear sports bras and sometimes bind because I wasn't comfortable having breasts. I used to "play dress up" and wear men's clothing. I would draw a beard on my face. I even went to school this way one day as an experiment, and when I was wearing my sunglasses no realized it was me. They thought I was just a guy.
I can only remember ever wishing I were a guy once, and it wasn't because I felt male. It was because I wanted the dominance that came with the identity. I've never wanted a penis, but then I've never really cared that I had a vagina either. I have always identified as a girl purely because genetically that's what I am. I have always, until more recently, dressed rather gender neutrally; baggy shirts, jeans, and sneakers. I've gone through long hair/ short hair phase, but feel more comfortable with short hair. I don't feel like I'm a girl or a guy. Sometimes I feel like both, sometimes like neither.
These days I dress very feminine at times, like when my fiance and I go out. I like to get dressed up. I like to look nice. I wear make up and heels and skirts and tights. And I accentuate my bodily features. But I feel like I would do that if I were a guy too. I would want to look nice, it's just my personality. As for the make up. I like putting on make up. I feel like I'm acting as someone else in a way, but also still partly me. I look the same but different and shiny. Like I've painted on a mask on my face. It makes me feel surreal and pretty.
I used to really hate my name. I didn't feel like it fit me, I still don't but it doesn't feel as important anymore. I would think of Gender neutral names to change it to like Ryan/Ryann. And I've never really wanted to give birth, it just never felt like something I would do. Not that I never wanted Children. It just didn't seem natural to my body. I always thought, when I decide I want a child I'll adopt.
This is a really confusing thought process. I'm female by sex, but nothing and all by mind. What am I?
Growing up in a strictly Christian, "God fearing" family, I was brought up to believe that God made man and woman for each other and to reproduce. But struggling with the fact that gender did not influence how I felt about a person romantically led me to question this. I started to research further into this. When I hit middle school, of course, I met homosexual peers. But this still didn't seem like to right label for me. After stumbling upon the term while I was researching online when I was around 18 I finally found the term that fit my sexuality. Pansexual. I am Pansexual and I am comfortable and proud of it.
I, however, feel as though I may not just be gender-blind to other people, but possibly to myself as well. As a child I would pee standing up, pretending I was a boy. As a teenager, I would wear sports bras and sometimes bind because I wasn't comfortable having breasts. I used to "play dress up" and wear men's clothing. I would draw a beard on my face. I even went to school this way one day as an experiment, and when I was wearing my sunglasses no realized it was me. They thought I was just a guy.
I can only remember ever wishing I were a guy once, and it wasn't because I felt male. It was because I wanted the dominance that came with the identity. I've never wanted a penis, but then I've never really cared that I had a vagina either. I have always identified as a girl purely because genetically that's what I am. I have always, until more recently, dressed rather gender neutrally; baggy shirts, jeans, and sneakers. I've gone through long hair/ short hair phase, but feel more comfortable with short hair. I don't feel like I'm a girl or a guy. Sometimes I feel like both, sometimes like neither.
These days I dress very feminine at times, like when my fiance and I go out. I like to get dressed up. I like to look nice. I wear make up and heels and skirts and tights. And I accentuate my bodily features. But I feel like I would do that if I were a guy too. I would want to look nice, it's just my personality. As for the make up. I like putting on make up. I feel like I'm acting as someone else in a way, but also still partly me. I look the same but different and shiny. Like I've painted on a mask on my face. It makes me feel surreal and pretty.
I used to really hate my name. I didn't feel like it fit me, I still don't but it doesn't feel as important anymore. I would think of Gender neutral names to change it to like Ryan/Ryann. And I've never really wanted to give birth, it just never felt like something I would do. Not that I never wanted Children. It just didn't seem natural to my body. I always thought, when I decide I want a child I'll adopt.
This is a really confusing thought process. I'm female by sex, but nothing and all by mind. What am I?