Helplessness Blues(2/?)
Media: Fic.
Title: Helplessness Blues
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers (if any): None.
Warnings (if any): Very AU, future-fic, mention of rape, mention of homophobia, some swearing.
Word Count: 1,468
Summary: Blaine Anderson is a thirty year old lawyer who is still in the closet. Kurt Hummel is the top lawyer in Ohio and thrives on winning his cases, but there is something they are both missing: each other.
Title taken from this.
Part one here
/blaine/
Sometimes the steering wheel is the only thing that Blaine can rely on. It always turns, it always is in place, it always in there. Though work can be excruciating, lonely, awful…when he leaves it’s still there. Waiting. He wants a lover like that. These thoughts are in his head as he drives to the hospital. He knows that visiting hours on the mental floor are somewhat scattered, but he decides to try anyways. He could hardly sleep the past night. Thoughts of the young boy, Tyler, all alone, aching from abandonment and abuse wouldn’t leave him alone. He wondered if that would’ve been him if his father was to know. This idea makes his hands shake, his palms sweat, so he shakes it away from him. Every red light he takes a sip of coffee, trying so hard to stay awake. He finally arrives and a kind nurse with a round face takes him up the elevator. She tells him that a lot of the staff has been talking about Tyler. This makes Blaine uneasy as they lead him to white locked doors, into a hallway full of people with wide eyed stares and broken hearts. He tries not to make eye contact with anyone. There’s a meeting room that Blaine is told to have a seat in, he tries to make himself comfortable but he’s overly anxious. He doesn’t understand what he is even doing here. Tyler enters and the way he looks is enough to make Blaine cry. A deep purple bruise is laid out along his arm almost like a large hand print. His lips are cut and crimson. Blaine finds himself standing to hug him. At first, Tyler winces at the touch, but he falls into Blaine’s shoulder blade. The boy is crying, shaking, heaving.
“Thank you for coming here.” He mumbles throughout sobs, “I was so alone. I am. I am.” He lets go and closes his eyes tightly so the remaining tears in his eyes fall like heavy rain.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve been worried about you.” Blaine whispers, handing Tyler a Kleenex. He always has them in his pocket. Lawyers tend to see a lot of crying or, in his case, they tend to cry often.
“You don’t look like yourself.” Tyler says as he finally sits down, placing his hands daintily on the table before him.
Blaine touches his own face and rubs at his stubble, remembering that he had forgotten to shave, or even throw some gel in his hair. He shrugs it off. “Do you want to talk?” He questions sincerely, placing his hand right beside where Tyler’s is.
“I think you’re the one who really wants to talk, lay it on me.”
So he does. He tells him about the boy in the janitor’s closet, he tells him about Kurt on the phone, but most of all he says two words he’s never said to anyone else before: “I’m gay.”
/kurt/
The doorbell won’t stop ringing. Once, twice, three times, four. Kurt hurries to it and swings it open. There he is, Blaine. His chocolate eyes looking curiously inside Kurt’s house, a pizza in his hand.
“Delivery for Kurt Hummel.” Blaine says, so monotone that Kurt has to laugh.
“I was starting to think you weren’t going to show up.” Why did he say that? Why is he even doing this?
“I had a stop I needed to make. I want to talk to you about something, as a friend.”
“Since when are we friends?” Kurt questions, an eyebrow raised as Blaine enters his house without a warning.
“You’re right; I don’t want to be friends.” Then he does it. He really does it. His lips find their way to Kurt’s, colliding in a frenzy of need. Kurt accepts the kiss because he is lonely. He thinks Blaine must be lonely too. It just gets to be too much when Blaine’s tongue begs for him to part his lips, Kurt finds himself pushing him away.
“What the hell was that?” Kurt finds himself tugging at his clothes and readjusting nervously, Blaine’s eyes look glassy and sad.
“I’m sorry…” curls shake side to side, “I’m just… so lonely.”
“Last time I checked you weren’t even gay.” He finds himself touching his lips, did he feel something? “What am I? Some way to feel better about yourself? I don’t need a man to be happy. I’m fine. Find someone else to entertain you.” For some reason he is so angry, so hurt, his skin feels hot and he’s itchy all over.
“I’m gay!” Blaine yells at him, “I’m gay, Kurt. I’m not trying to use you because I’m lonely. I’m not even using you. I just want anyone, someone, to make me feel okay about this. Today was the first day I told anyone and I told an eighteen year old kid. I’m thirty and in the closet…I’m so fucking pathetic.” Kurt is confused, watching the man he has seen be so stern and together fall apart in front of him. Soon he’s engulfing him in a hug and it just feels okay, mumbling ‘shh’ under his breath. Coming out was never hard for him. He was lucky in the way that everyone seemed to just know. He wasn’t like Blaine, pretending and hiding from who he was. He can’t find it in him to imagine what it would even be like.
“You’re not pathetic.” Kurt says, his hand brushing over Blaine’s hair. He tells him to take a seat on the couch and goes to the kitchen to pour a glass of red wine for him. They sit there holding their glasses in silence. The kiss is still lingering on both of their lips and the air around them consisting of a heated moment.
“Remember the first time we were in court together?” Blaine mentions this, looking at the plaques on Kurt’s wall.
“You were wearing that ugly green tie and your forehead was covered in sweat. I remember.” He takes a sip of his wine, smiling at the memory of Blaine all stuttering and nervous.
“I’d heard of your success rate, it made me nervous.” Blaine turns to look at Kurt now, “But that wasn’t the only thing that made me nervous…you were just everything I wanted to be, so comfortable in your own skin and you seemed so happy…so successful.” Kurt smiles shyly, his cheeks turning a slight pink.
“You know I’m not that happy really. At night I come home to an empty home and sometimes I realize then what an asshole I’ve been all day just to win. I find myself wondering if it’s really worth it.”
Blaine tilts his head to the side, “I guess even the people that seem like everything is going for them are broken, huh?” Kurt doesn’t like the way that Blaine smiles now, so sad that his eyes seem to even droop.
“Cheer up.” He finds himself sliding closer to him, throwing an arm around Blaine to try and comfort him; Blaine shifts into Kurt’s hold, his chin touching Kurt’s shoulder.
This time, Kurt doesn’t push him away.
/blaine/
He doesn’t want to go home. Kurt is so welcoming, the couch is comfortable, and he has all his favorite movies on DVD. Really, Blaine knew he wasn’t kidding anyone, he had a crush. A big crush at that, the kind where you have to stop looking at someone because it’s becoming too much, the kind of crush that he knew wasn’t going to be returned. That was something he wanted to change, but he wasn’t quite sure how. They were on their fifth glass of wine when Blaine decided that he should ask Kurt out on a date. His head was kind of foggy, but it seemed to be the right thing to do.
“Do you maybe want to get dinner sometime?” His words come out low and slow, his Cheshire smile finding its way on his face once again.
“Like…a date?” Kurt seems confused, his eyebrows all scrunched together. “But, aren’t you afraid of people knowing about you?”
“Fuck them.” Blaine says with a roll of his eyes, “I’m just…done caring.” Maybe it’s the wine talking, but it does seem like the best idea. The thought is overwhelming, the thought of Kurt actually wanting to be with him, but mostly the thought of Blaine being with anyone. Sometimes he found himself wondering if he was made to be alone.
Kurt must have thought otherwise.
“Yes.” He pauses, wine glass tipping back into his throat, “I would love to go out to dinner.”
Blaine finishes his glass and finds himself falling asleep later on, Kurt tucking him in, and he swears he feels a kiss being placed on his forehead.
He could live like this forever.
Title: Helplessness Blues
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers (if any): None.
Warnings (if any): Very AU, future-fic, mention of rape, mention of homophobia, some swearing.
Word Count: 1,468
Summary: Blaine Anderson is a thirty year old lawyer who is still in the closet. Kurt Hummel is the top lawyer in Ohio and thrives on winning his cases, but there is something they are both missing: each other.
Title taken from this.
Part one here
/blaine/
Sometimes the steering wheel is the only thing that Blaine can rely on. It always turns, it always is in place, it always in there. Though work can be excruciating, lonely, awful…when he leaves it’s still there. Waiting. He wants a lover like that. These thoughts are in his head as he drives to the hospital. He knows that visiting hours on the mental floor are somewhat scattered, but he decides to try anyways. He could hardly sleep the past night. Thoughts of the young boy, Tyler, all alone, aching from abandonment and abuse wouldn’t leave him alone. He wondered if that would’ve been him if his father was to know. This idea makes his hands shake, his palms sweat, so he shakes it away from him. Every red light he takes a sip of coffee, trying so hard to stay awake. He finally arrives and a kind nurse with a round face takes him up the elevator. She tells him that a lot of the staff has been talking about Tyler. This makes Blaine uneasy as they lead him to white locked doors, into a hallway full of people with wide eyed stares and broken hearts. He tries not to make eye contact with anyone. There’s a meeting room that Blaine is told to have a seat in, he tries to make himself comfortable but he’s overly anxious. He doesn’t understand what he is even doing here. Tyler enters and the way he looks is enough to make Blaine cry. A deep purple bruise is laid out along his arm almost like a large hand print. His lips are cut and crimson. Blaine finds himself standing to hug him. At first, Tyler winces at the touch, but he falls into Blaine’s shoulder blade. The boy is crying, shaking, heaving.
“Thank you for coming here.” He mumbles throughout sobs, “I was so alone. I am. I am.” He lets go and closes his eyes tightly so the remaining tears in his eyes fall like heavy rain.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve been worried about you.” Blaine whispers, handing Tyler a Kleenex. He always has them in his pocket. Lawyers tend to see a lot of crying or, in his case, they tend to cry often.
“You don’t look like yourself.” Tyler says as he finally sits down, placing his hands daintily on the table before him.
Blaine touches his own face and rubs at his stubble, remembering that he had forgotten to shave, or even throw some gel in his hair. He shrugs it off. “Do you want to talk?” He questions sincerely, placing his hand right beside where Tyler’s is.
“I think you’re the one who really wants to talk, lay it on me.”
So he does. He tells him about the boy in the janitor’s closet, he tells him about Kurt on the phone, but most of all he says two words he’s never said to anyone else before: “I’m gay.”
/kurt/
The doorbell won’t stop ringing. Once, twice, three times, four. Kurt hurries to it and swings it open. There he is, Blaine. His chocolate eyes looking curiously inside Kurt’s house, a pizza in his hand.
“Delivery for Kurt Hummel.” Blaine says, so monotone that Kurt has to laugh.
“I was starting to think you weren’t going to show up.” Why did he say that? Why is he even doing this?
“I had a stop I needed to make. I want to talk to you about something, as a friend.”
“Since when are we friends?” Kurt questions, an eyebrow raised as Blaine enters his house without a warning.
“You’re right; I don’t want to be friends.” Then he does it. He really does it. His lips find their way to Kurt’s, colliding in a frenzy of need. Kurt accepts the kiss because he is lonely. He thinks Blaine must be lonely too. It just gets to be too much when Blaine’s tongue begs for him to part his lips, Kurt finds himself pushing him away.
“What the hell was that?” Kurt finds himself tugging at his clothes and readjusting nervously, Blaine’s eyes look glassy and sad.
“I’m sorry…” curls shake side to side, “I’m just… so lonely.”
“Last time I checked you weren’t even gay.” He finds himself touching his lips, did he feel something? “What am I? Some way to feel better about yourself? I don’t need a man to be happy. I’m fine. Find someone else to entertain you.” For some reason he is so angry, so hurt, his skin feels hot and he’s itchy all over.
“I’m gay!” Blaine yells at him, “I’m gay, Kurt. I’m not trying to use you because I’m lonely. I’m not even using you. I just want anyone, someone, to make me feel okay about this. Today was the first day I told anyone and I told an eighteen year old kid. I’m thirty and in the closet…I’m so fucking pathetic.” Kurt is confused, watching the man he has seen be so stern and together fall apart in front of him. Soon he’s engulfing him in a hug and it just feels okay, mumbling ‘shh’ under his breath. Coming out was never hard for him. He was lucky in the way that everyone seemed to just know. He wasn’t like Blaine, pretending and hiding from who he was. He can’t find it in him to imagine what it would even be like.
“You’re not pathetic.” Kurt says, his hand brushing over Blaine’s hair. He tells him to take a seat on the couch and goes to the kitchen to pour a glass of red wine for him. They sit there holding their glasses in silence. The kiss is still lingering on both of their lips and the air around them consisting of a heated moment.
“Remember the first time we were in court together?” Blaine mentions this, looking at the plaques on Kurt’s wall.
“You were wearing that ugly green tie and your forehead was covered in sweat. I remember.” He takes a sip of his wine, smiling at the memory of Blaine all stuttering and nervous.
“I’d heard of your success rate, it made me nervous.” Blaine turns to look at Kurt now, “But that wasn’t the only thing that made me nervous…you were just everything I wanted to be, so comfortable in your own skin and you seemed so happy…so successful.” Kurt smiles shyly, his cheeks turning a slight pink.
“You know I’m not that happy really. At night I come home to an empty home and sometimes I realize then what an asshole I’ve been all day just to win. I find myself wondering if it’s really worth it.”
Blaine tilts his head to the side, “I guess even the people that seem like everything is going for them are broken, huh?” Kurt doesn’t like the way that Blaine smiles now, so sad that his eyes seem to even droop.
“Cheer up.” He finds himself sliding closer to him, throwing an arm around Blaine to try and comfort him; Blaine shifts into Kurt’s hold, his chin touching Kurt’s shoulder.
This time, Kurt doesn’t push him away.
/blaine/
He doesn’t want to go home. Kurt is so welcoming, the couch is comfortable, and he has all his favorite movies on DVD. Really, Blaine knew he wasn’t kidding anyone, he had a crush. A big crush at that, the kind where you have to stop looking at someone because it’s becoming too much, the kind of crush that he knew wasn’t going to be returned. That was something he wanted to change, but he wasn’t quite sure how. They were on their fifth glass of wine when Blaine decided that he should ask Kurt out on a date. His head was kind of foggy, but it seemed to be the right thing to do.
“Do you maybe want to get dinner sometime?” His words come out low and slow, his Cheshire smile finding its way on his face once again.
“Like…a date?” Kurt seems confused, his eyebrows all scrunched together. “But, aren’t you afraid of people knowing about you?”
“Fuck them.” Blaine says with a roll of his eyes, “I’m just…done caring.” Maybe it’s the wine talking, but it does seem like the best idea. The thought is overwhelming, the thought of Kurt actually wanting to be with him, but mostly the thought of Blaine being with anyone. Sometimes he found himself wondering if he was made to be alone.
Kurt must have thought otherwise.
“Yes.” He pauses, wine glass tipping back into his throat, “I would love to go out to dinner.”
Blaine finishes his glass and finds himself falling asleep later on, Kurt tucking him in, and he swears he feels a kiss being placed on his forehead.
He could live like this forever.