(no subject)
found out upon my arrival to school that my exam is on Tuesday, and was not today. One small sigh of relief there. Had a rehearsal for the directing scene that I'm in, and that's been going much better. I no longer want to kill myself upon starting this piece of work.
I'm going to see Slayer on Saturday. I need to get out of my house more. I feel like I'm dying.
I have my big audition a week from Monday, and I'm already scared shitless. I want to be in this production so bad.
I talked to my costume teacher (who is also the Dean of my department) about potential NYC grad school auditions. I talked for a while about professional goals, and about personal struggles that have occurred this year to alter those original plans. Do I go be an actress? Or do I continue the design track that I had originally intended? I'm really good at both. I have people willing to vouch for my abilities on both. I'm not sure what I want to do. And Donna said that if I wasn't sure, that maybe I shouldn't be going to these auditions yet. It says right on the application that "do not come if you are simply interested in 'the audition experience'." No point in being there and taking time from judges that could be assessing actors and designers that already know what they want to go to school for. And truthfully, my confidence took a very big hit these past few months and I'm not sure if I'm ready for an adventure this big. I can graduate, and do proper research on grad schools and be impeccably prepared for auditions next year. I promised Tommie that I wouldn't sit around on my career. I certainly won't sit idle in the meantime-there's an awesome Shakespeare in the Park season this next summer, and other work I could apply for and put on a resume. I think I may still go to NYC in January. I really want to see if I can exist there. I always had a feeling that I was going to end up somewhere big.
Then Donna made me cry a little. I have a really big insecurity about my standing in my family. Including me and my sisters, there are 5 grandchildren. My cousin Kristin is married with two gorgeous little boys. My cousin Zack is currently doing an internship with United Airlines while getting his certification to be a commercial pilot. My sister Tracey has an amazing job, married a wonderful guy, and has a beautiful baby girl. My sister Lauren just got married to a guy that my mother says is her "measuring stick" for anyone that I bring home, and she'll be graduating college in May. And there's just me left. I was engaged before either of my sisters, and now I'm completely alone. I'm about to graduate from college, but there seems to be further education or experience necessary. I've either got to marry someone spectacular or I need to be famous. Or both would be nice, now that I think of it. I shared all this with Donna, and she told me "No you don't. You need to do what is going to make you happy and satisfied with your life."
I was trying to do that for the past 2 and a half years. It was rather like an art project that I had worked on in clay at school. It took me several days to put it together, then waiting adequate time for everything to dry, and then painstakingly glazing that fucking thing. I handed it over, and then found out the next day that something went wring and my piece kinda blew up in the kiln. I was devestated. I had worked so hard for something, and I still have no idea why it ended up destroyed. Nice, huh? I kinda feel like my life exploded, and I keep finding warped bits of ceramic from what I had intended on being able to keep forever. I'm not really a mean person. I'm just really tired of trying to salvage things that keep being actively destroyed. I'd like things to turn out the way I want them to for once.
and I've had something bothering me for a while now. I was questioned last week as to why I could be able to forgive someone who appears to have done somewhat irreperable harm to me. I have a particular outlook where forgiveness is concerned, seeing as how I may forgive someone but I NEVER EVER forget. If a person has done something wrong and they are truly sorry for what they've done, and you truly love them as much as you claim to, then what on earth could they possibly do that couldn't be forgiven? I'm not saying that I'm just sitting and waiting to get stepped on or that I'm just going to forget everything that has happened. I just believe that forgiveness is the first step towards dealing with a problem and fixing it for good. For me, however, the hard part is actually being convinced that someone is sorry at all. And I'm inclined to want to forgive people, as I know that I have screwed up spectacularly in my life and want to be forgiven myself. I don't know why this bothers me.
I hate feeling left behind . . . .
I'm going to see Slayer on Saturday. I need to get out of my house more. I feel like I'm dying.
I have my big audition a week from Monday, and I'm already scared shitless. I want to be in this production so bad.
I talked to my costume teacher (who is also the Dean of my department) about potential NYC grad school auditions. I talked for a while about professional goals, and about personal struggles that have occurred this year to alter those original plans. Do I go be an actress? Or do I continue the design track that I had originally intended? I'm really good at both. I have people willing to vouch for my abilities on both. I'm not sure what I want to do. And Donna said that if I wasn't sure, that maybe I shouldn't be going to these auditions yet. It says right on the application that "do not come if you are simply interested in 'the audition experience'." No point in being there and taking time from judges that could be assessing actors and designers that already know what they want to go to school for. And truthfully, my confidence took a very big hit these past few months and I'm not sure if I'm ready for an adventure this big. I can graduate, and do proper research on grad schools and be impeccably prepared for auditions next year. I promised Tommie that I wouldn't sit around on my career. I certainly won't sit idle in the meantime-there's an awesome Shakespeare in the Park season this next summer, and other work I could apply for and put on a resume. I think I may still go to NYC in January. I really want to see if I can exist there. I always had a feeling that I was going to end up somewhere big.
Then Donna made me cry a little. I have a really big insecurity about my standing in my family. Including me and my sisters, there are 5 grandchildren. My cousin Kristin is married with two gorgeous little boys. My cousin Zack is currently doing an internship with United Airlines while getting his certification to be a commercial pilot. My sister Tracey has an amazing job, married a wonderful guy, and has a beautiful baby girl. My sister Lauren just got married to a guy that my mother says is her "measuring stick" for anyone that I bring home, and she'll be graduating college in May. And there's just me left. I was engaged before either of my sisters, and now I'm completely alone. I'm about to graduate from college, but there seems to be further education or experience necessary. I've either got to marry someone spectacular or I need to be famous. Or both would be nice, now that I think of it. I shared all this with Donna, and she told me "No you don't. You need to do what is going to make you happy and satisfied with your life."
I was trying to do that for the past 2 and a half years. It was rather like an art project that I had worked on in clay at school. It took me several days to put it together, then waiting adequate time for everything to dry, and then painstakingly glazing that fucking thing. I handed it over, and then found out the next day that something went wring and my piece kinda blew up in the kiln. I was devestated. I had worked so hard for something, and I still have no idea why it ended up destroyed. Nice, huh? I kinda feel like my life exploded, and I keep finding warped bits of ceramic from what I had intended on being able to keep forever. I'm not really a mean person. I'm just really tired of trying to salvage things that keep being actively destroyed. I'd like things to turn out the way I want them to for once.
and I've had something bothering me for a while now. I was questioned last week as to why I could be able to forgive someone who appears to have done somewhat irreperable harm to me. I have a particular outlook where forgiveness is concerned, seeing as how I may forgive someone but I NEVER EVER forget. If a person has done something wrong and they are truly sorry for what they've done, and you truly love them as much as you claim to, then what on earth could they possibly do that couldn't be forgiven? I'm not saying that I'm just sitting and waiting to get stepped on or that I'm just going to forget everything that has happened. I just believe that forgiveness is the first step towards dealing with a problem and fixing it for good. For me, however, the hard part is actually being convinced that someone is sorry at all. And I'm inclined to want to forgive people, as I know that I have screwed up spectacularly in my life and want to be forgiven myself. I don't know why this bothers me.
I hate feeling left behind . . . .