Soul on fire

[maybe_not_so]

One area where I cannot relate to the sx-lasters is their vision of an ideal romantic relationship. The descriptions seem to grate in a most peculiar way, even when done totally in earnest. They completely lack one vital quality - intensity. Without it everything is barren, papier-mâché. I mean, this is love. I do not need to be comforted, I do not

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[primalquarksoup]

An A memory - me trying to get (non-romantically) close to a couple of soc/sp's in the past. These people want to connect to the whole world, I have a much narrower focus. I am trying to drag them away to a private corner for some deep sharing - they look friendly and benign, and have no clue what it is I am after. As far as they are concerned, we already have a perfectly satisfactory relationship, thankyouverymuch. Frustration all around - mainly for myself.

The way I see it, if I can share what I want to share with a "good" friend, or with you semi-anonymous online strangers, why do I need anything more than that? I don't distinguish between good friends and best friends, and the entire online community minus maybe a few trolls I'm not cool with counts as a good friend as far as sharing status goes. Real-life totally casual acquaintances probably won't hear that much from me, but that's just because there's usually not much of an "in" to talk about it with them.

I'm all for talking deep, or talking personal, if I'm not decidedly uncomfortable with you or with the situation. But if you want to drag me into a corner and talk deep and personal, don't hesitate, don't hint. Tell me outright, and I'll go along and do my best.

[maybe_not_so]

I'm all for talking deep, or talking personal, if I'm not decidedly uncomfortable with you or with the situation. But if you want to drag me into a corner and talk deep and personal, don't hesitate, don't hint. Tell me outright, and I'll go along and do my best.

It's not that the people I was talking about refused to be dragged, it's that they were no different once there :) A pointless exercise. Admittedly, neither of them were Fives. I am afraid, if I feel there is a misconnect, trying to explain etc. doesn't seem to work. It's either something people get naturally, or they don't.

soc/sp Fives don't seem to possess the sort of magnetism which makes you want to drag them away into corners anyway. They are rather... 'impersonal' is probably a good word. No offence - just a general observation. Great for intellectual conversations though.

[primalquarksoup]

I must say that beyond "talk deep" I probably wouldn't know what to do. It's frustrating to think that I'm inherently boring or have nothing to offer people, but that might be the case when it comes to the kind of close connection a sx-first or strong sx-second might seek out.

[maybe_not_so]

It's not about being "boring" or non-entertaining at all. It's just a different way of relating. I mean, those two other soc/sp's were pretty interesting people - otherwise why would they attract me in the first place? You are very interesting too. It's just that I have realised it's better for everyone if relationships with sx-lasters are kept a certain way. Then everyone can have a lot of fun. I have several good friendships with sx-lasters. There are always non-sx-lasters for truly intense one-to-one connections.

[primalquarksoup]

Sorry about that low-self-esteem attack. :P

See, whenever people communicating with me, at least online, suggest their frustrations with communication, I find myself wanting to be able to communicate in the way that they want to. Then I can feel good about myself for being special and valuable and able to do something that I usually can't or that a lot of people can't (depending if the frustration is with me specifically or people in general). If I don't think I have much of a shot, then I'm likely to get angsty and/or down on myself.

The venting of this particular frustration by others can also lead me to be curious about what I'm missing by not connecting with people. My usual rationalization is, "Well, why have best friends if I can talk about personal stuff with people who aren't best friends, and my sense of personal is kind of weak anyway?" And I also sometimes think that emotional connection with people would just be weird, in a really uncomfortable way, like someone's grabbing my internal organs and playing with them, or like I'm free-falling. But the thought has also occurred to me that even if they are tied strongly to a relationship with another person, my feelings are still mine, and in a way won't be any different in how they feel or how I deal with them from feelings induced by non-relational agents, so there may not be anything to be scared of.

I'd just need to be both lucky and brave enough to find an in - feeling open and adventurous and hanging out with a persistent and patient sx-first (or non-sx-last). A 5 would probably give up too fast.

[maybe_not_so]

In case you are wondering about best friends, read "A story" I just posted in my lj. That's one personal account. I doubt I will be able to provide a better description offhand.

And being best friends is hardly about constant fiery emotions (this is not a love affair, after all). It's more like something deep, strong, stable. This is the person who is there for you. They will be there after all love affairs come to an end. I doubt feelings of deep friendship can be intrusive - at least, that hasn't been my experience.

And, yes, it is hard to find for the best of us, so to speak...

[primalquarksoup]

I read your story about your best friend. The closest thing I had to a best friend relationship growing up was with my little sister (ENFP 6w7, likely soc/sx but could be sx/soc). We'd hang out a lot, talk about stuff, and engage in our own constantly-refabricated pretend play (through which we must have shared ideas and attitudes indirectly). Being the only two N's in the family, we somehow managed to click like that. Our Sensor older sister was there, and supportive, but had a different plane of interests.

We generally don't keep up with each other that much, though when we do visit each other we're still pretty open and comfortable around each other. She's sometimes told me things that until that point she'd only told her closest non-family friends. It's probably because she figures she can count on me not to judge her.

Nowadays, I feel like I'm on roughly equal terms with both my sisters, and perhaps I'm closer to my older sister (6w7 sp/sx ISFP) if only because she's physically closer and visits more often. All three of us are more or less "good friends" with each other nowadays, in spite of our personalities being about as different as our looks.

[maybe_not_so]

I have an older step-sister I am still pretty close to. My two other siblings were far too young during my childhood years to be "friends" with. Now we are slowly getting more friendly.

But I still think there is a difference between family closeness and best friends. I guess for people who had a best friend growing up, the relationship was special, not like the kind that gets forged in adulthood. There are a lot of theories that it, in fact, replaced a romantic partner and such, but having a loving partner does not seem to eliminate the need for a close friend in those who have it (my friend is happily married for ages and yet still looking for a replacement for what we had...)