white scares me more than ever
Walking through the single wooden door into the waiting room, I have realized my fait. I sit with my mom at a rounded desk checking in. My heart begins to beat faster and my hands feel slick when the plump woman hands my mother some contract about a living will...just in case. I sit waiting to be called back into the hall to which I had been down once before. I cant say anything. The people around me try to make me laugh and comfort me, but nothing seems to exit my lips. It's as if my tongue went limp and my throat tightened. My leg wont stop shaking. It's time. A short nurse calls me to the door and I walk down the hall. We turn into a small room whos walls are really just pulled curtains. I talk to the doctor and he ensures me I will be fine. We sit for a while longer. I cant help but cry. I am so scared about what lies just a little further down the hall, behind two sets of double doors. Once the last set of doors snapped to a shut behind me, I knew this was it. I felt so alone lying on the white sheet of the operating table. They try and make me comfortable but there is no use. I am to tense to relax. 4 or 5 people move around me. I see out of the corner of my eye some of the tools that would be used to re-bend me. The doctor standing directly above my head places a mask over my faces and I breath deep. After a few moments I start to become unaware of the bed that was holding me up. My entire body tingles and I feel my eyes starting to drift freely. I still feel the tears rolling down the sides of my face and I cant help but let them keep coming. I felt the prick of the i.v. and then I just let go.
I hear familiar voices, ones I heard right before I went behind the forbidden doors. I open my eyes and I am quickly blinded by the lights directly over head. So I close them. I feel someone holding my hand. They give a slight gentle squeeze. I open my eyes once again and see my best friend Veronica standing next to my bed. Like my guardian angle letting me know that its ok to relax and drift back into the drug induced sleep. whenever I do wake up, I pray to sleep again because the pain is to much.
The nurse seems to not pay any attention to my pain level, but she is the nurse so she knows what shes doing.
The next few days are hell. I am still scared, but not in the same way.
I hear familiar voices, ones I heard right before I went behind the forbidden doors. I open my eyes and I am quickly blinded by the lights directly over head. So I close them. I feel someone holding my hand. They give a slight gentle squeeze. I open my eyes once again and see my best friend Veronica standing next to my bed. Like my guardian angle letting me know that its ok to relax and drift back into the drug induced sleep. whenever I do wake up, I pray to sleep again because the pain is to much.
The nurse seems to not pay any attention to my pain level, but she is the nurse so she knows what shes doing.
The next few days are hell. I am still scared, but not in the same way.