undecided
I don't know why I am having such a hard time. I have been through way worse. I'm just not happy. I'm satisfied. And for me, that's a success. But I think Im at the point now where that just isnt enough. My life is lacking in so many places. Im not happy with the way that I look, I have yet to have any contact of any kind with a guy sice I have been at college... My dad and I are broke. I dont have ayone I can cll a best friend, and I also dont have anyone I can call a mother.
Its bad. Its at the point now where I sometimes / most times forget she exists. She forgot about me, and stopped caring. I guess Im just returning the favour.
With anyone else in my life, I have to work to hold a grudge. But with my mom I dont even have to try. I dont even know who she is. I dont think I ever really did.
ANYWAYS
I dont know why Im such a chicken shit to do things I want to in my life.
Yes I do.
Rejection.
The typical girl will say "Ive been rejected so many times by guys, so Im afraid Ill get hurt again"
... I havent gotten hurt by a guy. I havent even had that opportunity. I have always had way too many things going on in my life to even think about guys. Up until about a year ago, I was too depressed to even care if I had friends, let alone a boyfriend.
But when youve been rejected by a member of your family... someone who is supposed to take care of you, and love you no matter what...
that effects you more than any guy, more than any love will ever effect you.
So when it comes to guys, I have nooo clue where to begin. Im not afraid to admit that Im AFRAID to do anything.
But its not only with guys.
I just need to start doing things and stop caring about the stupid stuff. Im only going to fuck myself over in the end if I dont.
If only things werent so hard, if things didnt pile up all the time. But I guess thats life.
I need some motivation.
I need to stop being scared.
I need a friend.