The Déjà vu of a Secret

[mayangel7]

Rating: PG-13
Length: 3.2 K
Warning/s: slight homophobia
Summary: Luhan hates Junmyeon, so when he discovers one of Junmyeon’s darkest secrets, he’s sure to make the most out of it.
Notes: Thank you, N, for beta-reading this.
Originally posted here for the Suhan exchange.



Everyone knows that Kim Jongin is the hottest boy in the school, but everyone knows his brother, Kim Junmyeon.

Junmyeon is the most popular guy in the school, especially among the girls. He knows everyone’s name, and everyone knows him as the senior class president and valedictorian. Everyone loves Junmyeon.

Except Luhan.

Luhan had made his distaste obvious from the day he entered the school as a sophomore. Junmyeon had greeted him, mistaking him for a girl. Luhan doesn’t think the grudge is necessarily unreasonable.

“His first words to me,” Luhan says to Minseok for probably the hundredth time as they walk down the hall, “were, ‘What’s your name, beautiful lady?’ Beautiful. Lady.” Luhan shakes his head. “He’s such a fake, hiding behind his dad’s money-” Luhan quickly cuts himself off when Junmyeon walks down the hallway, like he hadn't just been screaming his complaints. Minseok, his entirely unhelpful best friend, just snickers.

“Hello, Luhan, Minseok,” Junmyeon says. He bows politely, and the ever-present group of girls behind him squeals.

Luhan just inclines his head slightly, intending to keep walking, but Minseok stops.

“Hi, Junmyeon. Do you want to come eat with us?”

“No, I’m busy.” Junmyeon flashes them a grin. “Maybe next time.”

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Minseok says with a condescending smile as they walk away.

“Fuck off,” Luhan says, walking faster to escape embarrassment.

“Aw, Luhannie is blushing,” Minseok coos, disgustingly sweet as he cups Luhan’s cheeks.

“Am not,” Luhan scowls, knocking Minseok’s hands away. He can’t murder his best friend, even though Minseok probably befriended Luhan for the sole purpose of teasing him.

“He isn’t so bad,” Minseok says as they walk to the restaurant they go to every day during their lunch break. “He’s really nice.”

Luhan sighs as Minseok orders for both of them. Maybe that’s the worst part-Junmyeon’s always smiling and calm, no matter how much Luhan tries to provoke him. He spins noodles around his chopsticks as he stares grumpily off into space. “I don’t see why he needs so many girls around him all the time.” Jongin is hotter, but Junmyeon is straight. And handsome. And perfect.

“This is about Jinri, isn’t it,” Minseok observes wisely, pouring half the bottle of seasoning in his soup.

“Yeah,” Luhan says, stealing the bottle of seasoning before Minseok can pour any more. He dumps the rest of the seasoning in his soup and takes a gulp. The soup is much too spicy, and he ends up panting, fanning his open mouth.

Minseok laughs as he passes Luhan a bottle of water. “See, this is why you never get any girls.” Minseok never fails to remind Luhan of the unattractive aspects of his existence.

“Shut up,” Luhan grumbles, finishing half the water in a few gulps.

He doesn’t touch the rest of his soup and focuses on finishing his noodles. Minseok finishes his soup and the rest of Luhan’s. The show-off.

“My house to study?” Minseok suggests.

“I forgot my notebook.” Luhan digs through his bag. He must have left it on his desk. He jumps up. “I’ll meet you at your house,” he says quickly, and starts running back to school.

The school is mostly empty when Luhan enters, all the students and teachers gone for lunch. Luhan walks to his classroom, but the door is open and there are people in the room. Peeking in, Luhan identifies Jongin and Junmyeon. He’s ready to walk in when he hears what they’re saying.

“…Just tell him your feelings, hyung,” Jongin’s saying. “It’s not wrong for a guy to have a crush on another guy.”

Luhan freezes outside the door. Junmyeon… isn’t straight? And he has a crush on someone. It’s a lot to take in, and his face breaks into a grin. This is priceless information worth millions of won. He pushes the door to the classroom completely open, dramatically announcing his entrance. Jongin and Junmyeon seem to freeze as he enters. Luhan barely spares them a glance while he grabs his notebook and walks out of the room, all the while struggling to keep the smug smirk off his face.

The days of Kim Junmyeon are numbered.

Luhan isn’t insensitive enough to start spreading the rumor immediately. Instead, he stores the information away and decides to use it wisely for more constructive purposes-namely, torturing Junmyeon. He’s always wanted to wipe that ever-present smile off of Junmyeon’s face.

Thursday afternoon is the perfect time. Jongin has dance lessons those days, so Junmyeon walks home alone. Luhan corners him two blocks away from the school, falling in step beside him. Junmyeon greets him with a cautious smile.

“Good afternoon, Luhan.”

Instead of brushing him off as usual, Luhan responds with a cheerful, “Hello, Junmyeon.” He decides that he likes the guarded light in Junmyeon’s eyes. He swings an arm across the other’s shoulders, feeling Junmyeon stiffen, and leans in to whisper in his ear, nose pressed against Junmyeon’s soft hair. “No girls following you today?”

“No.” Junmyeon’s voice is strained and he tilts his head away from Luhan.

Luhan bites his lip to keep a triumphant grin from splitting his face. He’s figured out a secret that no one else, not even Minseok, has figured out. “So I was wondering,” he continues, drawing the syllables out slowly. “Are you attracted to all males? Are you even attracted to any females in the school?”

Junmyeon stops walking and steps away from Luhan’s arm. “Stop. It’s not funny.”

“What’s not funny?” Luhan takes a step closer. “The fact that you’ve been lying to the entire school population, class president?”

Junmyeon actually flinches, and his lower lip is trembling now. “It’s not…” He cuts himself off and walks away.

Luhan doesn’t follow him, just watches the small, vulnerable figure walk down the street.

Luhan has to fight his way up the stairs every Tuesday afternoon, pushing his way past the crowd of students eager to get home. He, unfortunately, is not nearly as lucky. The next thirty minutes are usually spent in Mr. Hwang’s office for what Principal Lee calls “upper student body planning” and what Minseok calls “couple’s therapy.” It’s just Luhan and Junmyeon talking, sometimes granted the company of a rarely present Mr. Hwang. Or, more often, not talking.

So Luhan is reasonably annoyed when he finds Junmyeon hugging a girl outside of Mr. Hwang’s office. He clears his throat loudly, causing the two to jump apart, and pulls Junmyeon into Mr. Hwang’s office, slamming the door in the confused girl’s face. Mr. Hwang, of course, is not inside. Luhan sighs and lets go of Junmyeon’s wrist, collapsing into a chair.

There’s a pause before Junmyeon sits in the chair across from him, looking down at his fingernails.

Luhan sighs again and tosses a stack of papers at Junmyeon. “Those are all the complaints,” he says, pulling out his phone. “I’ve already gone over all of them.”

“Luhan.” Junmyeon’s clicking the button of his pen loudly against the table. “We have to talk during these meetings.”

“You want to talk?” Luhan looks up from his phone. “Or would you rather make out? Have you ever kissed-?”

“Stop!” Junmyeon screams, and he jumps up, fingers shaking as he picks up the papers. He rearranges them neatly. “I’ll pay you,” he says softly, but Luhan can hear the desperation in his tone.

“I don’t need your money,” Luhan says, spinning his phone between his fingers. “I…” He pauses. He doesn’t know what he really wants.

Junmyeon walks out of the room, taking the papers and his pen.

A few minutes later, Mr. Hwang walks in. Luhan answers his inquiring look with an excuse. “Junmyeon is sick.” He wonders why he feels so sick inside.

Junmyeon is still surrounded by girls whenever Luhan sees him. Sometimes, Luhan gives him a long, meaningful look, if only to see Junmyeon squirm. He feels a kind of sick pleasure, followed immediately by a sense of guilt.

One day, Luhan finds Junmyeon eating alone at a park bench, and Junmyeon never eats alone. Luhan takes a seat beside him, tearing open his ice cream wrapper.

“Have you told them yet?”

“No.” Junmyeon closes his container of food, setting his chopsticks on the plastic lid. “I can’t. My parents… they’re not against homosexuality, but it’s always been their dream for one of their sons to marry a pretty wife and have their own grandchildren.” Sacrifice. Of course. Junmyeon would be a people-pleaser to the end.

“So it’s alright to lie? To have them all eating from your hand?” Junmyeon doesn’t answer, so Luhan asks, “Does your crush know?”

Junmyeon raises his head to look at Luhan. “It doesn’t matter if he knows. He wouldn’t like me anyway.”

“Why?” Luhan presses.

“Do you hate me?”

“Of course I-” Of course I do. It’s because of Junmyeon that Luhan’s stuck with the second best, as the salutatorian and the class vice president. Even Jinri had rejected Luhan because she’d been infatuated with Junmyeon.

“See?” Junmyeon smiles, but there are tears glittering in his eyes.

“What-?” Luhan stops abruptly and jumps from the bench. “Are you-?” There’s ice cream dripping down his hand, but he barely notices, still trying to wrap his mind around the startling revelation. “You-”

“I like you,” Junmyeon says, and Luhan has never seen a smile more heartbreakingly beautiful.

“So you finally figured out that Junmyeon likes you?” Minseok’s voice is much too cheerful for such a rainy morning.

“You knew?” Turns out Luhan’s life is a huge plot twist. He doesn’t even know if he should be surprised anymore.

Minseok rolls his eyes and shakes the water off his umbrella as they walk into the classroom.

“Do you think…?” Luhan rolls his umbrella up carefully, wondering how he should phrase his question.

“Do I think you like Junmyeon? Yes.”

Luhan drops his umbrella. “What? You’re joking, right?” He steps towards Minseok, but trips over his umbrella. He falls to his knees, laughter bubbling in his throat. “You’re joking, right?”

Minseok sighs and helps Luhan up with the air of a long-suffering best friend. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know.”

“I didn’t.” Luhan closes his eyes to shut out Minseok’s voice, but he sees Junmyeon instead. Junmyeon’s soft lips, bright pink from constant chewing; Junmyeon’s eyes, glittering with tears. “Oh god,” he whispers, collapsing against Minseok when his knees give out. “What do I do?” He remembers the hurt on Junmyeon’s face, the lines of anger across his forehead.

“Stop being so over dramatic,” Minseok chides, and there’s the same teasing, unsympathetic grin on his face.

Luhan hits him with his umbrella.

Luhan tries to catch up with Junmyeon in the afternoon, but when he starts running after the other, someone stops him.

“Don’t go after him,” Jongin says, his usual timidity replaced by stubborn determination.

“I need to talk to him.” Luhan tries to walk away, but Jongin holds him back.

“Why? So you can tease him about what you know?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” Luhan says, but he knows it’s not true.

“What did you think?” Luhan’s never seen Jongin this angry before-the tight set of his mouth, the furrow of his eyebrows-and he really can’t blame him. “You said you hated him when he confessed to you. He couldn’t stop crying last night. It’s not…” Jongin exhales loudly. “It’s not like he didn’t know. That’s why he didn’t want you to know.”

Luhan twists the end of his sleeve. “I know. I… think I like him too.”

Jongin stares at him. “Are you sure?”

It’s still weird, thinking about this, but even Minseok said so, and Minseok is never wrong. Maybe Minseok always knew, even when Luhan didn’t. But Luhan knows now, and he’s determined to make it right. “Yeah.”

“Wait. Give him time. He’s still… hurt over what you said before.”

Luhan wants to ignore Jongin and follow the pressing urge, the impatience inside of him, but he can see the logic in the other’s words. “You’ll tell him, right?”

“It will take time,” Jongin warns him.

“I don’t care,” Luhan says. “I’ll wait until he forgives me.”

The next two months, however, are spent on final exam preparation. It’s the last exam that can determine the rest of their life, and everyone has been affected by the weight this one test could have on them. It means nightly cramming and constant preparation, to the point of disturbing normal life. Between his classes, studying, and other activities, Luhan rarely sees Junmyeon, and he never finds an opportunity to talk to him.

Mid-November comes and goes, leaving students worried about the results of the exams. The cities are alive again, but there’s still tension in the air, nearly to breaking point until the exam results and rankings are posted on the outside doors of the school. They soon spread all around the city.

Luhan returns to school early in the morning to see the results. There are already many students crowded around the doors, eagerly waiting for the scores to be posted. The teachers have to hold some of them back.

The moment the scores are released, the crowd surges forward. Luhan doesn’t bother trying to fight, but he moves along with the crowd, walking cautiously.

Eventually, he reaches the front doors. His eyes fall first on the class rankings. His name is listed right above Junmyeon’s as the number one place… by one point.

Relief spreads through his bones, and it seems like now, he can breathe again. His score was only a few points below perfect, and getting into a good college doesn’t seem like such an unachievable goal now.

It’s also the first time he’s ever really beaten Junmyeon in anything, and he almost feels a surge of triumph, but then he sees…

He sees Junmyeon, walking through the crowd, his head down against the cold, his blue scarf wrapped many times around his neck, and he knows, no, he hasn’t won yet.

He takes off in a run after Junmyeon, practically shoving his way through the crowd, unheeding the annoyed glances he receives. He runs after Junmyeon persistently, and finally catches him outside of school grounds.

Junmyeon stops and turns to face Luhan, like he expected Luhan to be there. “Are you here to laugh at me?” he asks, and his voice sounds so small, lost in the bitter wind around them. “Go on. You’ve won.”

Maybe Luhan wanted to laugh in triumph before, but he doesn’t now. He stares into Junmyeon’s eyes, and the only words he can think of to say are, “I like you.”

“Really?” Junmyeon still isn’t smiling, and his voice is almost colder than the weather. “You like me now that you finally get first place? This isn’t a joke, Luhan.”

“No, I really like you,” Luhan says, and he moves a step closer, afraid that Junmyeon will run away any second. And he can’t run away because Luhan’s been waiting to say this for so long now. “I’m sorry for all the things I said before, but I really didn’t mean them, and I do like you. I like your eyes and your smile and I was jealous before because I thought you wouldn’t pay attention to me unless if I was a girl and I don’t want to be a girl.” He pauses to catch his breath. “So I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry that I like you. I’ll wait,” he adds when Junmyeon hesitates in answering. “I promised Jongin that I would wait until you forgive me and I really will. I wasn’t trying to be inconsiderate before and I…”

“I understand,” Junmyeon says softly, but Luhan knows that doesn’t mean that he forgives him. Maybe it’s okay, even if he never does. At least his voice isn’t as cold now. “I need to go.”

“We’ll talk, right?” Luhan asks.

Junmyeon nods. “Yeah. We will.”

Then he turns and walks away. Luhan wants to chase after him and demand a definite answer this time, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t really deserve one, not after what he’d put Junmyeon through. But he can wait, even when all he wants to do right now is hug Junmyeon and shield him away from the bitter winds.

They’ll talk later, he tells himself. They’ll talk, and they’ll sort this all out.

Except they don’t. Not really.

Following the news and report of Luhan’s CSAT scores, he and his family return to China for the first time in years. He spends the rest of December and part of January there, and by the time he returns, the next school year is beginning and he has to prepare to go to college.

And he doesn’t end up going to the same college as Junmyeon, so they never really got a chance to meet up. They text, and even if it’s only small, meaningless words, it still somehow gets mixed into Luhan’s life. He feels so much better after seeing just one silly emoticon from Junmyeon. They never mention Luhan’s confession or Junmyeon’s, but Luhan’s grateful that Junmyeon doesn’t want to remove him completely from his life.

The first year of college passes quickly, but also irritatingly slowly. Luhan returns home in December feeling a little more satisfied but still nagged by the little detail in the back of his mind.

He’d promised that he wouldn’t rush things, though. So he doesn’t. He doesn’t tell Junmyeon that he’s home and he doesn’t make any plans to meet up with him.

It doesn’t mean that Luhan doesn’t want to meet up with him. Sometimes, he sees Jongin walking by, and he’s tempted to ask. Other times, he stops and scans the street for signs of Junmyeon’s small frame.

One afternoon, Luhan buys an ice cream cone and goes to the park bench. It’s the same park bench that he sat on over a year ago, the same place where Junmyeon had confessed to him. Maybe he expects Junmyeon to be there because when he raises his eyes from the ice cream cone, Junmyeon’s standing there and he doesn’t even have the willpower to feel surprised.

“Who eats ice cream in the winter?” Junmyeon teases, a beautiful smile on his lips.

“It’s good,” Luhan says, folding the wrapper neatly and standing up slowly. “You’re here,” he says, then winces at how dumb it sounds.

“Am I?” Junmyeon laughs softly, his exhale coming out in a soft cloud of air.

Luhan takes off his jacket. “Are you cold?” Without waiting for an answer, he drapes his jacket around Junmyeon’s shoulders, over the thin sweater he’s wearing. It’s something that Luhan’s always wanted to do, provide protection for Junmyeon’s small frame. Luhan’s also wanted to confess to him and kiss him breathless and drink hot chocolate with him, but sometimes, he has to wait.

Junmyeon smiles up at him, his white teeth glowing in the sunlight.

It’s okay, Luhan thinks, and he hugs Junmyeon. No matter how long it takes, he can wait.