bummed out

[mayalin]

So, here's the big lesson of the year that I give to you: if you have a life-shortening illness, don't ask the doctor how long you have to live, unless you have a really really good reason. Or unless you're pretty darn sure that it will only take a day or two off your life

Comments

[meryncadell]

oh my dear. I have thought about this often - i.e. what if I were given a prognosis of __ years to live - and yes, all I've ever been able to imagine is that it would be confusing. Partly (or mostly) because of the the length of time you've been told, it must be confusing, but also because... what does it mean? It's not like being in jail, where an inmate knows (once in jail) what every day will look like, in terms of what they can and cannot do, and the number of days remaining in there is quite set, and measurable to all. Getting a prognosis from a doctor is like a.... well, a number [I know I'm doing well here at eloquence]... but since none of us have yet lived our future, or the world's future, what does it actually mean?

I by no means am trying to diminish (ha. unplanned joke) what "5 years" must feel like to be told. I'm just trying to put my head around it. --If a doctor said to someone, "it looks like about two months", then that person would know, okay, probably not 20 years, but could be a couple of years; might be two months, or could be a little bit sooner.. but it sounds like he's mostly saying it's pretty soon. Whatever 'pretty soon' looks like. .... Extrapolating that out to 5 years... can one even extrapolate it? When one gets asked, "What do you expect to be doing five years from now?", only the very young (or the very desperate to get the job, who just lie and make something up) can really answer...

I'm sorry if I'm getting too musing/existential on you here. I know that on some levels, it's as you say, just a bummer. ... I don't want to close with anything about sympathies, because that feels wrong, or shortisighted, or too simple. But I will say that I'm thinking about you, and I hope your mind (and heart and therapist or family or social circle or partner or whatever gets you through the night) finds ways to understand this news. Or help start ways to understand it, in some fashion.

- truly - thinking of you,
Meryn

[mayalin]

yes yes yes yes. no need to apologize for being musing or existential...I think it matches the tone of my original post and it's certainly where *I* am with this. Confused, still trying to wrap my head around it is right.
and yes, as the doctor said the words "five years," her hands were up in the air and the sentence was punctuated with a question mark. Then she said, "not a few years, but not decades, either." I'm working on understanding this...what I'm most certain of is that it's a lesson in living in the present and really cherishing myself and my life, now. It sounds silly but it's what I'm most certain of, for now, at least.
Thank you for your thoughts, they truly mean the world.

[meryncadell]

Hi,

I was thinking of you yesterday, and realized that I should link you to Erella, and some of her art. She's from Toronto (like me) and has had several brain tumours and surgeries. She makes beautiful "snapshots" of her life and her thought processes, using illustration and text.
http://www.erella.com/html/brain_00.html

-Meryn

[mayalin]

Thanks a lot Meryn. I've taken a quick look and it looks like a fantastic site. I really like her stuff.
thanks again
mollie