MNPD
I knew what NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) was, but I’d never heard of Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder until 4 family members were diagnosed with it and I realized I’d been living in a different world than I thought I was.
MNPDs are so good at manipulation, they even fool psychologists and counselors. Which is why my mom and I thought these four family members were bipolar -- because that’s what they were diagnosed as until a specialist who knew what she was looking for saw through the bullshit.
Since the diagnosis, I’ve seen a lot of people slapping the MNPD label on people they don’t like. People who manipulate others or who seem like a villain from a bad movie.
It would be a huge mistake to fall for that because MNPD isn’t so obvious, especially to people outside MNPD’s circle.
To most people on the outside, someone with MNPD seems extremely charming, outgoing, funny, self-sacrificing, and VERY caring.
This makes it even harder to diagnose and harder for those living with this person. If you complain about anything, you look like the asshole, and the true manipulator comes off looking squeaky clean.
It wasn’t until my mom received calls from two of my dads friends that she realized he’s spent the last 2-1/2 years telling all his friends that we’re abusing him, starving him, keeping him locked in his room, etc. and that it was getting worse. Those two friends were ready to call social services on us.
The reality was that my dad is treated like a king. We don’t engage with him as much as we used to (especially since the diagnosis), but
- I get him anything he asks for (treats, snacks, tools, clothes, etc.)
- his room & bedding/clothes are cleaned for him
- he gets a home-cooked, healthy meal prepared by me delivered to his desk in his bedroom 6 days as week
- I coordinate all his doctor’s visits and all his medications so he doesn’t have to
- we even got him a walker when he became unsteady on his feet and appeared to be a fall risk
He still bitterly complains to his friends that Sundays are his “enforced fasting” days. It’s the one day a week I have off, so we all just grab food for ourselves. But if you ask his friends (he has A LOT of friends), it sounds as though my dad is chained to his bed, locked in his room, and denied food and water on Sundays.
Thankfully the two friends who called my mom know he’s manipulative, and when they asked him directly about it, he laughed it off like he was telling them a joke the whole time, so his friends didn’t call social services on us.
This isn’t something new. He plays games like this with everyone. He’s driven all my friends and almost all my mom’s friends away over the years. The only reason some of my mom’s close family are still around is because they refuse to abandon her, but even they don’t realize how twisted my dad is.
Every word out of his mouth is a lie and/or manipulation. He screws his own friends over all the time, but they don’t even realize it because he charms and manipulates.
MNPD is NOT simply a manipulative person. It’s not simply an abusive person. It’s a wide range of chronic behavior and personality traits that are aggressively cruel along with a complete lack of conscience and an extreme form of insular selfishness.
Malignant narcissists are AWARE they cause pain, and they enjoy inflicting it. The truth is what they decide it is at any given time, and you’ll NEVER get an honest answer out of them about anything including their own opinions, wants, and desires.
The main thing I’ve learned is that the only way to “win” when dealing with a malignant narcissist is not to play the game. They’re never going to care, understand, feel bad about anything, or change their behavior.
That also means you can’t hurt their feelings, which is extremely freeing (at least for me).
That doesn’t mean you should purposely try to hurt them because that’s not going to work and instead you’ll be hurt. It means that you don’t have to worry about your interactions with them or overthink things because none of it really matters to them.
If you can’t avoid them, build thick walls around yourself. Keep interaction to a minimum, and if confrontation is unavoidable, try to avoid it in public where they’ll get even more attention and they’ll make you look like the fool.
Don’t bother trying to talk things out with them. This saves A LOT of time as they’re never going to change anyway, and telling them how they can hurt you gives them more power.
If you can, get away from them. If you can’t, protect yourself and find a friend/family member to support you and act as a confidant who won’t be scared off by them, won’t confront them, and will play the unassuming, charmed idiot who believes his every word.
I’m probably going to post more about MNPD, so if you don’t want to see it or you find it triggering, please blacklist it.