DEAD INSIDE
Is how I feel EVERYTIME I spend ANY amount of time with the thing I got stuck with for an adoptive "mother".
I HATE when someone comments "oh-whatta-nice-little-old-lady-she-is". My return comment of late is "wow. she's got YOU snowed."
She is NOT nice she is evil incarnate. She is the reason I spent my early 20's coked up like a South American dictator! Everything was fine, fine fine when I was on the cocaine train. I wish my brain could retain the REALLY,EVERY THING IS GONNA BE OK mantra/reality without the abuse cuz I'd be there.
I invited her over for some homemade veggie soup and some warm crusty rolls today and from the start~it was a DISASTER! She flatly REFUSES to remove her shoes when she enters my house and MY OCD thought of her bringing in the dirt of the world into my home makes me want to peel my skin off with my new SHARP vegetable peeler. This thought is nothing new~I've felt like this for ages when I am stressed...especially when I am stressed and she knows it. I'm super stressed over finances(I can't find ANYBODY who SERIOUSLY wants to work as a PSO for me); christmas and how much I dislike the GREED of the season(and the fact that I can't buy my kids everything I would like to~what a contridiction!), trying to get "mother" to take her anti-anxiety meds and see a shrink instead of her bizarre behaviour & the fact that this will be my first christmas without Saki :(
I have stressed to the point where I have gotten a very sore throat,muscle aches & a headache.
It's all about her 24 hrs a day~everyday.
I hate when people or family say to me
"But she's HUMAN Trish. How can you say or do that?"
How can I do that? How can I look at her and calmly call her a cunt? How can I be so cold when I have to attend to her? Because I've had to deal with this all of my life- the emotional & physical abuse & neglect by her and others towards me as a child, her lying, hysterics, lack of hygiene,reason and all common sense. And besides~I don't see ANYONE else here to help her when she needs medical help, basic shopping/bill paying OR talk her into coming in the house when she is wound up and walking the damn streets at 4 in the morning shreiking that she can't breathe or take it or is afraid of the dark or the house is too haunted!!!
My "mother" has never been there for me~ever. No confiding-No crying to-no built in allie like your mother should be. She never stood up for me, has betrayed me with private things I have told her (and told others) & thrown them in my face~she has intentionally embarassed & humilitated me for her sick amusement in front of people (Think Sybil's mother with the chocolate chip cookie here people!), never told me about things she should have like my period & sex or how to manage money or a cheking account. She never helped financially with clothes when I was a teenager or knew what I took in school, didn't help me with college (actually refused to let me go at 17), never came to my graduation from college or even my wedding when I married John. Instead she threw a FIT that I was getting married and did everything to ruin it including calling my MIL a slut.
It's funny~she still hits me up for cash though or her latest foray~phishing me for food~as in "oh-I-am-so-hungry-but-I-have-no-food-in-the-house-waaaa-waaa-waaa" or the ol' slip items in my shopping cart at Target or Wegman's when I am distracted. I always go "Here you are" and hand them to her and make her go ahead of me in line.
Her reaction? She will check out with such items then look at me to pay for them saying she "forgot her wallet" or just merely leaving the items & walking out FAST when the cashier tells her the total~making the cashier give me a WTF look!
My favorite stunt is when she tells EVERYONE in the store, tearfully, that she "can't find her daughter in the whole store and she knows that something HORRIBLE has happened"~ like I've been kidnapped or fallen ill in a remote area of the store where my skeleton would be recoved months later. I can always tell when this one is performed because I will find her surrounded by her audience of caring store staff comforting her with free coffee, pasteries, soup or some other food item.
It never changes! Over the years this stunt has been performed with doctors offices, hospitals, police, church people, teachers, friends & their parents, neighbors and down right strangers! Hell! I remember one summer when I was around 7~her driving us out to "see your cousins in Springville". We lived in Lancaster and somehow she made it into a TWO HOUR TRIP~stoppping in a random suburban neighborhood~picking out a house "oooh look those people are having a b-b-q!"~and telling them we were lost & insinuated that I was very, very sick with some uncurable sickness of the month and had only wanted the happiness out of visiting my cousins for what may be my last time! Of course the "chosen" family would invite us in, feed us, give us money to help us and show us the correct directions to our awaiting family! It was unbelievable but not as unbelievable as the look on our family's face when we finally arrrive: "OH SHIT! WHY IS JOSEPHINE HERE AND WHO TOLD HER WHERE WE LIVE!!!!"
I swear this is why I have social anxiety.
I also swear~if I didn't write this shit down here & turn it into something humourous~I'd take a long, hot bath with a sharp straightrazor.
I HATE when someone comments "oh-whatta-nice-little-old-lady-she-is". My return comment of late is "wow. she's got YOU snowed."
She is NOT nice she is evil incarnate. She is the reason I spent my early 20's coked up like a South American dictator! Everything was fine, fine fine when I was on the cocaine train. I wish my brain could retain the REALLY,EVERY THING IS GONNA BE OK mantra/reality without the abuse cuz I'd be there.
I invited her over for some homemade veggie soup and some warm crusty rolls today and from the start~it was a DISASTER! She flatly REFUSES to remove her shoes when she enters my house and MY OCD thought of her bringing in the dirt of the world into my home makes me want to peel my skin off with my new SHARP vegetable peeler. This thought is nothing new~I've felt like this for ages when I am stressed...especially when I am stressed and she knows it. I'm super stressed over finances(I can't find ANYBODY who SERIOUSLY wants to work as a PSO for me); christmas and how much I dislike the GREED of the season(and the fact that I can't buy my kids everything I would like to~what a contridiction!), trying to get "mother" to take her anti-anxiety meds and see a shrink instead of her bizarre behaviour & the fact that this will be my first christmas without Saki :(
I have stressed to the point where I have gotten a very sore throat,muscle aches & a headache.
It's all about her 24 hrs a day~everyday.
I hate when people or family say to me
"But she's HUMAN Trish. How can you say or do that?"
How can I do that? How can I look at her and calmly call her a cunt? How can I be so cold when I have to attend to her? Because I've had to deal with this all of my life- the emotional & physical abuse & neglect by her and others towards me as a child, her lying, hysterics, lack of hygiene,reason and all common sense. And besides~I don't see ANYONE else here to help her when she needs medical help, basic shopping/bill paying OR talk her into coming in the house when she is wound up and walking the damn streets at 4 in the morning shreiking that she can't breathe or take it or is afraid of the dark or the house is too haunted!!!
My "mother" has never been there for me~ever. No confiding-No crying to-no built in allie like your mother should be. She never stood up for me, has betrayed me with private things I have told her (and told others) & thrown them in my face~she has intentionally embarassed & humilitated me for her sick amusement in front of people (Think Sybil's mother with the chocolate chip cookie here people!), never told me about things she should have like my period & sex or how to manage money or a cheking account. She never helped financially with clothes when I was a teenager or knew what I took in school, didn't help me with college (actually refused to let me go at 17), never came to my graduation from college or even my wedding when I married John. Instead she threw a FIT that I was getting married and did everything to ruin it including calling my MIL a slut.
It's funny~she still hits me up for cash though or her latest foray~phishing me for food~as in "oh-I-am-so-hungry-but-I-have-no-food-in-the-house-waaaa-waaa-waaa" or the ol' slip items in my shopping cart at Target or Wegman's when I am distracted. I always go "Here you are" and hand them to her and make her go ahead of me in line.
Her reaction? She will check out with such items then look at me to pay for them saying she "forgot her wallet" or just merely leaving the items & walking out FAST when the cashier tells her the total~making the cashier give me a WTF look!
My favorite stunt is when she tells EVERYONE in the store, tearfully, that she "can't find her daughter in the whole store and she knows that something HORRIBLE has happened"~ like I've been kidnapped or fallen ill in a remote area of the store where my skeleton would be recoved months later. I can always tell when this one is performed because I will find her surrounded by her audience of caring store staff comforting her with free coffee, pasteries, soup or some other food item.
It never changes! Over the years this stunt has been performed with doctors offices, hospitals, police, church people, teachers, friends & their parents, neighbors and down right strangers! Hell! I remember one summer when I was around 7~her driving us out to "see your cousins in Springville". We lived in Lancaster and somehow she made it into a TWO HOUR TRIP~stoppping in a random suburban neighborhood~picking out a house "oooh look those people are having a b-b-q!"~and telling them we were lost & insinuated that I was very, very sick with some uncurable sickness of the month and had only wanted the happiness out of visiting my cousins for what may be my last time! Of course the "chosen" family would invite us in, feed us, give us money to help us and show us the correct directions to our awaiting family! It was unbelievable but not as unbelievable as the look on our family's face when we finally arrrive: "OH SHIT! WHY IS JOSEPHINE HERE AND WHO TOLD HER WHERE WE LIVE!!!!"
I swear this is why I have social anxiety.
I also swear~if I didn't write this shit down here & turn it into something humourous~I'd take a long, hot bath with a sharp straightrazor.