His Last Chance - part 3/3
Title: His Last Chance - Part 3/3
Status: short story (~ 4,300 / 8,400 words)
Rated: PG-14
Characters: Gregory House & Lisa Cuddy
Summary: After 6.10 Wilson - House claims he's fine with Cuddy dating Lucas. But Wilson dares him to be honest and go see her to tell her how he really feels. If he goes, there'll be no turning back, because it'll be his last chance and House is well aware of it...
Disclaimer: Ok. Fine. It’s not (all) mine!! It belongs to David Shore, the lucky b... *sigh*
** HIS LAST CHANCE **
House's head suddenly started to spin. He felt a little dizzy from the spinning and he almost staggered. He gulped and took a step towards. A small one, cautiously taking care of not making it look like a threatening one, but he had to come closer, he just needed to. He took that small step towards her and she didn't move.
"I met a woman in Mayfield." He said, with his voice barely above a whisper.
Cuddy's eyes widened and she looked at him, startled by his unexpected lead-in.
"She was not a patient." House carried on, throatily, "Just a visitor. She came to see her sister-in-law..."
"So?" Cuddy had grabbed hold of herself and she raised her chin up, looking him confidently in the eyes, "You've bonded with people. Good for you! I'm sure it helped you through your healing process..."
"I had sex with her."
"What?"
"That woman, Lydia. She and I had sex."
She took a sharp breath and closed her eyes but it lasted longer than a simple blink and he noticed it. When she opened them back, she stared at him, confused and lost. She was desperately trying to hide it and it made her look even more fragile and stubborn than ever.
"And then what?" She said arrogantly, "what point are you trying to prove? That you are fine now? That you can move on and be with someone?"
"No."
"So why are you telling me this, now? Because you think I'd care? Because you want me to care? Is that why you're here?"
"I wanted to be with her, that woman..."
House cautiously stepped towards her again and she averted her eyes. He heard her take a long wobbling breath, and she leaned back against the wall once more, almost unconsciously, as if she needed that to keep herself on her feet. She was struggling against a gush of emotions that was overwhelming her and as bravely as she was trying not to let it show, she was however incapable of hiding it. It hurt him to see her distressed and in pain like that, but at the same time, and for the first one in weeks, he felt immensely reassured by that evidence.
"I really thought that's what I wanted..." He carried on, "I went to her house and I begged her."
"No. We're not doing this..." She said with a pleading voice, her eyes still looking in the opposite direction.
"But that was a lie... A lie I had built to convince myself that I could forget you." He confessed, with a tender voice, slowly raising his hand towards her face.
"STOP!"
She had yelled and it took him by surprise. He froze, with his hands still up in the air and she abruptly pushed herself up away from the wall and almost ran away inside her living room. He stayed rooted to his spot for a short while and then he followed after her. When he walked in, he saw her standing in a corner, facing the wall in front of her sideboard, and twiddling nervously with a set of quartz stones in a cup. She was offering him her back and she was shivering. He could tell that she was by the way her shoulders were almost imperceptibly jerking up and down. He stepped a little further in, but he didn't come close to her.
"Why are you doing this?" He asked her evenly, "Why do you run away every time I'm trying to tell you how I feel?"
She didn't answer but he saw her head slowly shaking 'no.'
"You reacted like that when I told you I wanted to call you after the night we shared..."
"We didn't share a night. We had sex, that's all. And it meant nothing... it meant... nothing" She repeated, still facing the wall.
"Why? Is it what you've told yourself all these years? That it meant nothing? Is that why you're so angry at me now?"
"I'm not angry."
"Yes, you are. I know you are. And you have good reasons to." He allowed himself to enter farther in the room, slowly closing the distance between them, "I'm sorry." He told her. "I should have called anyway, despite the fact that I'd been fired..."
"No. It was better that way..."
"You don't know...And I don't know either... Because it's in the past and we can't change that...But it was more than just physical, I had feelings for you..."
"Don't go there..." She said beseechingly, and her voice started to tremble noticeably.
"Why? I'm serious. I need to do that. Why can't you hear it? What are you afraid of Cuddy?"
"I'm not afraid!"
Her voice choked with emotions and he came behind her and touched her shoulder lightly to let her know he was there.
"But you're crying." He simply stated. At the sensation of his touch on her, she swiftly turned around and they ended up facing each other, their faces barely inches away, long enough to exchange glances which shook them both to the core. His gaze was filled with all the tenderness he could offer to comfort her and hers was glistening with tears but burning with anger and all the strength she was putting in her struggle to deny her emotions.
"Yes!" She admitted accusingly, and she promptly walked away from him, "Because!... You're a selfish son of a bitch who only cares about himself! You only follow your needs and that's all. You don't care about what I want. You don't care about how I feel. The only person who matters to you is yourself!"
"That's not true."
"Then why do you do that? Why do you play with me now when you see that it's hurting me?"
"Because I love you."
"No."
"I love you, Cuddy." He repeated, a hoarse painful moan squeezing his throat.
"Have you asked yourself if I wanted to hear that? No! You just come here, uninvited, and you throw that in my face! But it doesn't work like that! I'm not your trophy, House. You can't show up and claim me like one of your possessions."
He kept silent and stared at her intensely. She slightly stiffened, straightening herself up proudly, and she sustained his stare with a challenging look.
"It's too late." She added, raising her chin up defiantly.
"What do you mean?" He asked and a slight smile formed on the corner of his lips.
"I mean I'm with Lucas now."
"Yes. But that's not the reason why it's too late. You're angry with me but not because I'm telling you how I feel. You're angry because I'm only telling you now. You've never really wanted to be with Lucas. Lucas is not your type anyway, and he never will be. You need someone like me to turn you on."
Cuddy burst into ironic laughter, shaking her head in dismay.
"Ha! Sorry, but that's not how it goes. We're not in your delusional world anymore, House."
House stomached the painful allusion to his mental breakdown bravely, mostly because he was now sure that it had shaken her almost as deeply as it had shaken him.
"You're right," He agreed quietly, "we're not. We're in yours now."
Cuddy's mouth dropped open in astonishment.
"What are you talking about?" She said, angrily.
"You've been dying to hear me tell you that I had feelings for you. For years. If I had confessed my unconditional love for you, you'd have fallen into my arms in a second. But I didn't. And it pissed you off. You resent me for being so stubborn and stupid. And you're right. I should have told you a long time ago. I didn't and there's nothing I can do about it now. But you," He came closer and looked her right in the eyes with a provoking stare, "you can't shut me up when I'm telling you exactly what you want to hear and pretend you don't believe me, just because it's a question of timing!..."
She puffed and her eyes widened in shock at his sassiness.
"You, arrogant bastard!" She shouted, glaring at him, "How do you dare come here and tell me what I want? I've done a lot of things for you in the past. I've made a lot of sacrifices but now I've moved on. I'm thinking about myself! And if it's ever been a question of timing then you're right, House: yours sucks, because it's over. It never started anyway. Just accept it."
"No." He contradicted her stubbornly, raising his voice too, "Not as long as you keep closing your eyes and refuse to see the facts."
"What facts?"
"You're not in love with Lucas. You're just with him because it's safe. Lucas is your perfect emotional refuge right now. The one you conveniently found when you needed a quiet place to hide after what I did to you."
"And then what? I need that my life. That's what I want. I have a daughter. I can't be..."
She stopped in the middle of her sentence and bit her lips, swiftly looking down to avoid his gaze on her.
"What?" He yelled at her, "You can't be what? You can't be with me? Is that what you were going to say?"
She raised her face up and planted her light-grey eyes in his, stubbornly, silently, with her lips set, she sustained his gaze indefinitely, refusing to confess, refusing to let go... He heaved a long resigned sigh and then he smiled sheepishly at her.
"I thought I had you." He suddenly told her with a much softer voice, "Yes. In my perfect world, I imagined you'd saved me and I thought you were mine. But when I realized it was not true, I went crazy." He leaned down towards her and peered more intensely into her eyes. "You drove me crazy."
She shivered and leaned back a little, but without letting go of his eyes.
"You were taking too much Vicodin and it affected your mental health." She corrected with a calmer voice too.
"But I know you." He added, "And I know you felt guilty. Because of me. Because you couldn't help me."
"I'm not responsible."
"I know. I'm not saying you are, I'm saying you think you are."
"No." She denied energetically, with as much conviction as she could. He sighed again, this time defeated.
His last chance. It was now and it was gone.
"Cuddy... I'm sorry." He said, surrendering, and he took a step away from her. "I'm a son of a bitch and an arrogant selfish bastard, you're right... But what I feel for you is real. It's not just my delusion. I came here because I thought..." His voice choked and tears welled up in his eyes, but he managed to hold them back. "I'm sorry" he repeated, "You're right about my timing: it just sucks..."
She stood in front of him, dazed, and guilt overwhelmed her. She stared at him, with sorry eyes, but above all emotionally crushed, as if she was suddenly realizing that it hadn't been a game at all, not once, during all this time...
"I hope you and Lucas will be happy together." House simply told her, and then he turned around and left the room. He walked a few steps away and suddenly her trembling voice broke the silence and made him stop before he could reach the door.
"I have a daughter now." He heard her say, as if she was speaking to herself, almost mechanically, and it oddly puzzled him. He turned around and paced back to join her in the living room again. She had not moved a bit and she was staring blankly in front of her with great sadness in her eyes.
"What did you say?" He asked her gently, cautiously walking near her again. The sound of his voice jolted her awake and she tilted her head to the side to meet his eyes.
"I have a daughter now." She repeated, and she bit her lips. "I can't leave her alone... I have to take care of her... I can't leave her alone..."
House squinted at her and he took a sharp breath. Her gaze was lost and full of confusion and it frightened him. He slowly raised his hands up to her face and he stroked her cheek with his fingertips, lightly.
"Of course you can't," He said reassuringly, "No one said you had to."
"I know you hate her," She said with a neutral tone, somewhat giving in to the caress of his hand "You hate Rachel. And it's my fault..."
His eyes widened and he froze, stunned by what he thought she had implied.
"What? What do you mean it's your fault?"
"That night, you've insulted me and my child and I felt hurt. And... I left..."
"Yes, you left, because you had to. You did what was right. I'm not blaming you."
"But you hate Rachel," She repeated and she stared helplessly at him as if everything was said within those four words.
"I don't hate Rachel!" He exclaimed "I know I said horrible things about her, and I'm sorry, but I just wanted to get your attention... but God, Cuddy! I never hated your kid!..."
"I had to come home. My nanny was off the clock..."
"Are you saying... that you think my feelings for Rachel is what made you leave that night and now you think I resent her even more because she's the reason why you didn't stay with me?"
"I couldn't stay to help you. Because you made me choose Rachel. But I had no other choices..."
House widened his eyes, baffled, fighting against the brimming flow of thoughts that kept coming to his mind. Cuddy looked away and her gaze suddenly emptied of all the fiery passion that was there a moment ago when she was arguing with him. She seemed so far away from where she was standing, emotionally detached, almost absent. House grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her determinedly.
"Hey Cuddy! Look at me! Is it why you don't want me now in your life? Because you think I would force you to choose between me and Rachel?"
"I'm a mother now. Rachel is part of my life."
"I know, dammit! I've accepted that!" He shouted, furious against her stubborn irrational and stupid sense of guilt.
"Lucas takes care of her." She recited, expressionless.
"Forget about Lucas! This isn't about him!" His anger was pervading him like lava out of a volcano, "This is about you and what you want... Do you want him for you, or do you want him because he takes care of your kid?"
"I can't be with you, House," She suddenly said planting her sorry eyes into his fuming glare.
"Yes you can!" He strongly objected, "You deny yourself all possibility of having a relationship with me because you think I don't like your kid but you want me, don't you? ... Don't you?"
Her lips started to tremble and her gaze on him intensified, but she didn't answer.
"Cuddy, please, don't do that to yourself... you know that's not what you want... Say you want me in your life. Not him." He insisted adamantly.
She remained inert again, standing in front of him, just gazing into his eyes, absolutely mute and beautifully desperate. He couldn't leave her there, locked in her obstinate silent any longer without doing something. He closed the distance between them and he slowly cradled her jaws with the palms of his hands. At the contact of his skin on her skin, she jolted her head back and she closed her eyes, taking a long breath, like a drowned person who takes their first puff of air out of the water. He leaned down to her face and he grazed her soft skin with his stubble, carefully, and he brushed the silky pulp of her lips with his closed mouth.
"Tell me to get out, then" He whispered against her cheek.
She opened her mouth and she sighed loudly.
"I want you to get out." She said and she stretched her neck to the side.
He languorously slid his nose along the warm line of her carotid and she almost lost her balance. She gripped his shoulders and he placed his hands flat on the small of her back, maintaining her close to him.
"Tell me to leave you alone." He blew in the hollow of her collarbone.
"Leave me alone." She repeated, with a hoarse voice and she slid her fingers in his neck.
But all of a sudden, he straightened up and he cupped her face, looking her compellingly in the eyes.
"This is not a game." He said with gravity, "And this is my last warning: if you don't want me, just say it! Tell me to go. Now."
As her unique answer, she seized his jaws and forcefully pulled him down to a kiss, raw, greedy and passionate. She bit his lips and forced the entry of his mouth and he surrendered the second he felt the wet sensation of her tongue on his lips. He let her taste him and he squeezed her against him, bringing her closer to his face, and almost taking her feet off the floor in the process. She moaned into his mouth and the sound of her lustful groans echoed against the cavity of his mouth, sending shivers into his palate. He released his grab on her a little and he felt her slowly slide along his body, until her feet landed on the ground and she promptly found her balance again. As soon as she was steady, she resolutely seized the hem of his shirt and yanked it off his pants. He broke away from their kiss, in a desperate need for air and she rubbed her face against his stubble, and her hands abandoned his shirt for a short instant, to climb up to his neck; uncontrollable outbursts commanding her every disorganized possessive movement and guiding her fingers into his hair, making her scrape his skull and then going down in his back, and down again to his belt, sliding under his shirt, and skirting his waist to come up on his abdomen, stroking his skin, while her avid mouth searched for his lips again.
His erection was aching inside his pants and he started to mentally recite the names of every drug he knew from the PDR in alphabetical order, praying to be able to control himself. But she felt the bulge against her hips and she skillfully rubbed herself against his groin, eliciting groans of pleasure from him. Her hands promptly slid from his abdomen to his waist and out of his shirt and she unequivocally placed her palm on the front of his jeans, massaging his manhood and conveying all her desire for him through this demanding impatient gesture. She grabbed hold of his zipper, but before she got the chance to open it, he seized her by the wrists and pulled them out of his pants, crossing them in front of her chest and maintaining her against him.
It took her a few seconds to come back to earth and realized he had stopped her and when she did, she stared at him, panting, completely panic-stricken, visibly horrified by what she thought it could mean. Her eyes were clearly begging him to say it was not a game and that he hadn't brought her up till there just to dump her and have another good reason to mock her afterwards. Her distress touched him as much as it puzzled him and he sent her a soft smile.
"Relax," He said, reassuringly "I'm not driving you away... Believe me, I'm really dying to go there too. Actually, I don't even know where I found the strength to stop you. Maybe, this is the proof that I'm not completely sane after all." He smiled mischievously at her.
She instantly unwound in his arms, and he leaned down to kiss her languorously, breathing against her lips, while he still wisely held her wrists joined in front her chest.
"But the truth is... I don't care if we're not doing it, because, it's not about what I can get now." He added, still sensually kissing her softly on her cheeks and behind her ears, "It's about what I want. And I don't want you now. I mean I do... want you... but not like that, not if Lucas is still in the picture."
He straightened up and studied her reaction. She bit her lips and looked down with guilt in her eyes. He let go of her wrists and gently put his finger under her chin to bring her face up.
"No. Don't feel guilty. It's not your fault." He said, "It's me. I've been there before, doing it with unavailable women, and I know that it leads nowhere... But I don't want it to go nowhere with you. I know this is my last chance to make it work and I don't want to screw it up..."
She looked at him and nodded, but she remained silent, feeling that words would be useless between them now. She just took his hand and slowly brought it up to her face and she cradled her jaw inside it, her slender hand covering his, and guiding his caress.
"I think I should leave now." He told her cautiously, testing her reaction. She nodded again and he smiled. "I'll be at my place, waiting. I'm not pressuring you. Take your time if you feel you need to, because I don't want you to talk to Lucas if you're not absolutely sure... But when you are and you've talked to him, then call me... and I'll be there. And I promise you, we'll finish what we've started..." He added and she smiled softly.
"Alright." She simply said.
He leaned down and put a tender kiss on her lips. Then he straightened up but her hands were gripping his shirt and she clang to him a little longer. He delicately seized them and put them back along her thighs. They stood face to face for another short moment and, without a word, he left her house. Outside, while he was limping down the few steps that led to the road, and towards his car, he unexpectedly bumped into Lucas, who was walking up the alley, whistling. He stopped as soon as he saw House and interrogated him with quizzical eyes.
"Hey House!" He said, and he gave a quick glance at his watch. "Damn! It's hard to work in a field when you don't count your hours, isn't it?" He added, with an undecipherable look on his face.
House put his coat's collar up and smiled.
"Yes" He answered, "But I guess that's just occupational hazards. We're not always where we would want to be, are we?"
"I guess we're not!" Lucas exclaimed, with a weird sudden enthusiasm, "Speaking of which... if you'll excuse me... I think someone is waiting for me..." and he pointed towards Cuddy's door triumphantly.
"Absolutely" House told him comprehensively, "You should go. I can understand why you don't want to make her wait..."
Lucas squinted at him for a split second but he finally walked away without another comment. House watched him pace up to the front door and he saw him enter inside. He thought he caught a glimpse of her silhouette in the hallway, but he couldn't tell for sure. Then the door closed and he realized he was standing alone in the middle of a cold dark night, so he swiftly crossed the road and got inside his car. He drove home, with the clear and awkward awareness of all the mingled feelings that were brewing inside him, going from excitement to fear and relief and joy. He drove, without being conscious of the distance, his mind cradled by the memory of her sweet surrender to him. He arrived at his place, or more precisely at Wilson's he thought with a smile, and he entered inside the apartment, cautious not to make any noise, in case his friend was already asleep. But as soon as he paced inside the living room, he saw the soft light and before he could spot him in the room, he heard the sound of his sneaky voice.
"So? How did it go?" Wilson asked, wiggling impatiently in the couch, waiting to be filled with the juicy details.
Almost at the same time, House's cell phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and checked the caller ID. When he saw her name, he took a sharp breath and slid the receiver open. Wilson opened his mouth to ask who it was but House compellingly silenced him with his palm up pointed at him.
"Yes." House spoke into his phone, "I just got home... I didn't even take my coat off yet... So?... Yes... Absolutely sure? ... No. No problem... I'll be right there..." And he hung up.
Wilson looked at him baffled and widened his eyes, his curiosity visibly aroused.
"What's going on? Is it your Team? There's something wrong with your patient and you have to go, is that it?"
House threw his car keys high up in the air and skillfully caught them back on their way down. He smiled broadly at Wilson and started limping effortlessly to the door.
"Yep!" He said, walking away, "I have to go..."
~ THE END ~ :-)