Once there was a dinosaur named Lester. He liked to kick it with his homedinos (BEST WORD EVER) and they would all go rollin' (Very descriptive term for the activity.) down to the Valley to get some grass and hit on the pterodactyls. Later they would chill by the stream and get the munchies (Does this have to do with the plant life?), so they'd have to eat some delicious deciduous trees and have a seriously philosophical debate about who would win in a street fight: T-Rex vs. Army of Velociraptors (That's hardly a question. Velociraptors. T-Rexes couldn't reach them, you see. Little arms.). Lester voted for the Velocirpators, because Lester liked the underdog (THE BEST CARTOON!) in any story, but also because Velociraptors totally devoured his mom's carcass when he was eight, so he had a judicious fear of them.
One day Lester was roaming the high plains of Pangaea thinking about Daisy, the hottie Spinosaurus he had been scamming on since they met over the annual Chase The Hairy Biped Mammal race in September (HAVE YOU BEEN TO THAT RACE?). Lester was pretty bummed out, because he was way in love with Daisy, but Daisy just wanted to eat his dead carcass (Quite Edgar Allen Poe of her. I like it. TRAGIC! TRAGEDIES SELL BETTER THAN COMEDIES!). It really harshed his mellow when Daisy talked about how much she liked the awesome taste of steaming dinosaur viscera, but he wanted to try to make it work. He thought maybe if she ate some of the really psychedelic grass he and his posse got from that shady Iguanadon in the Valley, she could curb her desire to munch on his jugular. Herbivores weren't so brave unless they were protesting their right to eat greens, sort of like Vegans, so he was hella waffling over his plan. (Vegans can be brave, too! Have you seen some of those veggies? They're sharp as hell!)
Lester asked Jesusaurus (I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT TALKS TO HIM! YAY! DOES HE HAVE THE HALO DEAL TOO?) to please give him a sign. Jesusaurus was pretty laid back, he dealt with the shady Iguanadon a lot, too, so Lester wasn't very surprised when a giant flaming ball appeared in the sky. He was way stoked, and he went running to the Meadow to find Daisy squirreling over the remains of Iguanadon, which kind of put a wrench in his plans, but Lester knew Jesusaurus had his back, so he proposed his plan to Daisy. Daisy looked at him with what Lester thought was budding desire, which was true in the sense that it was a budding desire to eat his face. Lester leaned in to start a hardcore make out session, and Daisy leaned in to bite off his chin, but before their love--consuming love in Daisy's case--could be honored, the flaming ball hit the earth and basically killed almost everything ever. (I can picture it! It's almost Shakespearean in delivery!)
Lester and Daisey eventually turned into fossil fuels, which future generations would fight wars over so that they could make loads of money selling petroleum to balding guys who drove SUVs.
The End
Overall: A - This story did make me cry, and want to hold my gerbil tightly and hope it didn't eat my face. I love it.
One day Lester was roaming the high plains of Pangaea thinking about Daisy, the hottie Spinosaurus he had been scamming on since they met over the annual Chase The Hairy Biped Mammal race in September (HAVE YOU BEEN TO THAT RACE?). Lester was pretty bummed out, because he was way in love with Daisy, but Daisy just wanted to eat his dead carcass (Quite Edgar Allen Poe of her. I like it. TRAGIC! TRAGEDIES SELL BETTER THAN COMEDIES!). It really harshed his mellow when Daisy talked about how much she liked the awesome taste of steaming dinosaur viscera, but he wanted to try to make it work. He thought maybe if she ate some of the really psychedelic grass he and his posse got from that shady Iguanadon in the Valley, she could curb her desire to munch on his jugular. Herbivores weren't so brave unless they were protesting their right to eat greens, sort of like Vegans, so he was hella waffling over his plan. (Vegans can be brave, too! Have you seen some of those veggies? They're sharp as hell!)
Lester asked Jesusaurus (I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT TALKS TO HIM! YAY! DOES HE HAVE THE HALO DEAL TOO?) to please give him a sign. Jesusaurus was pretty laid back, he dealt with the shady Iguanadon a lot, too, so Lester wasn't very surprised when a giant flaming ball appeared in the sky. He was way stoked, and he went running to the Meadow to find Daisy squirreling over the remains of Iguanadon, which kind of put a wrench in his plans, but Lester knew Jesusaurus had his back, so he proposed his plan to Daisy. Daisy looked at him with what Lester thought was budding desire, which was true in the sense that it was a budding desire to eat his face. Lester leaned in to start a hardcore make out session, and Daisy leaned in to bite off his chin, but before their love--consuming love in Daisy's case--could be honored, the flaming ball hit the earth and basically killed almost everything ever. (I can picture it! It's almost Shakespearean in delivery!)
Lester and Daisey eventually turned into fossil fuels, which future generations would fight wars over so that they could make loads of money selling petroleum to balding guys who drove SUVs.
The End
Overall: A - This story did make me cry, and want to hold my gerbil tightly and hope it didn't eat my face. I love it.
Reply
Leave a comment