Tough decisions
The longer I live here, the more I think I'm just going to stay and sit tight. My motivations now aren't the same as they were months ago. Also, who am I kidding? The economy still has years left before it recovers enough that the job market will start taking in people more steadily. I figure I might as well buy a house and sit on it. If I'm lucky the market value will raise with the economy and I'll be able to make a little money on it to help buy a place elsewhere.
Anyway, my work situation at least seems stable. I love it and I hate it. Granted, if it was a job I truly loved, they wouldn't have to pay me, right? :P
I find myself regretting past actions. Wondering if my timidness in situations where I don't know what I'm doing has ruined chances for me. I can't help, but think I've given off unintentional signs by reserving myself in situations where it wasn't appropriate to do and say what I really meant. Learn from mistakes, right? Next time I'll just be an asshole and alienate people who I don't really care about so I can at least get my intentions across. Maybe then I'd get somewhere rather than try to convince someone after the fact.
I always had this conception that I could just sit around and the person I could truly love would just drop by and we'd hit it off from there. What a joke! I'm finding I need to be proactive after the fact, but now it feels like it's too late for me to learn what to say and do. How to converse and get their attention. I'm always afraid I'll fuck up my chances and that nervousness has let me down 100% of the time. Both mentally and physically.
I just can't look at it from the perspective that there will always be another fish in the ocean. It's a shit way to look at things in my opinion. Like saying you're going to give up because there's always an easier way to do something. My nature is too stubborn and goal driven to look at things that way. Does not compute.
But I suppose there's always some point where you just have to deem your efforts futile and move on. It hurts like hell and seems to come and go no matter how hard I try. At least the down moments are becoming shorter and further between. It's getting easier to forget what things felt like as time goes on.
I don't want to forget, but I know it'd do me good.
Anyway, my work situation at least seems stable. I love it and I hate it. Granted, if it was a job I truly loved, they wouldn't have to pay me, right? :P
I find myself regretting past actions. Wondering if my timidness in situations where I don't know what I'm doing has ruined chances for me. I can't help, but think I've given off unintentional signs by reserving myself in situations where it wasn't appropriate to do and say what I really meant. Learn from mistakes, right? Next time I'll just be an asshole and alienate people who I don't really care about so I can at least get my intentions across. Maybe then I'd get somewhere rather than try to convince someone after the fact.
I always had this conception that I could just sit around and the person I could truly love would just drop by and we'd hit it off from there. What a joke! I'm finding I need to be proactive after the fact, but now it feels like it's too late for me to learn what to say and do. How to converse and get their attention. I'm always afraid I'll fuck up my chances and that nervousness has let me down 100% of the time. Both mentally and physically.
I just can't look at it from the perspective that there will always be another fish in the ocean. It's a shit way to look at things in my opinion. Like saying you're going to give up because there's always an easier way to do something. My nature is too stubborn and goal driven to look at things that way. Does not compute.
But I suppose there's always some point where you just have to deem your efforts futile and move on. It hurts like hell and seems to come and go no matter how hard I try. At least the down moments are becoming shorter and further between. It's getting easier to forget what things felt like as time goes on.
I don't want to forget, but I know it'd do me good.