The Beginning of the Eighth Generation and Seattle Chapter
I’ve been working at Eighth Generation since July 8th, 2017.
For the first 4 months, I commuted by car and bus each day, which meant spending 4 hours on the road in traffic. It was exhausting.
I tried telling crockett I needed to move out of Olympia. I asked him to move to Seattle with me.
He didn’t want to and I felt unsupported by him.
Even though I’d seen him move into two separate places in Seattle with his friends that year, I realized he was unwilling to move to Seattle with me.
So after four months of doing an exhaustive commute that was starting to affect my personality and mood at all times, I asked my friend Madeline if she wanted to move in together in Seattle.
Since she and her husband both worked in Seattle, it would be a win-win situation for us all to find a place to live in Seattle together. However the second day I was there, Crockett lost one of Madeline’s dogs.
I don’t think she ever trusted me after that, even though the dog was eventually found. I paid the rent on the 1st of the month instead of the night of the 31st and left the keys in the door on accident which caused her to freak out and doubt my entire character. She berated and yelled at me for those mistakes and the fact that she felt like she had to “try so hard not to ask me for anything”. Then she freaked out at me when I smoked a bowl in my room one night when I was having a hard time falling asleep.
She asked me to move out and never speak to her again.
So I’ve felt very hurt by the two closest people to me in Washington, my best friend and my boyfriend.
I realized that the ways that these people have hurt me makes me not want to get close to anyone.
Im in this phase where I fear growing close to people and loving them because those who I love and am closest to have all hurt me.
Then I realized there isn’t a single person that I love that hasn’t hurt me.
And it all started with my family..and all the ways my Dad, Mom, Norman and my sister have hurt me throughout my life in various ways.
I know that at my core I am a very positive and optimistic person, but all this unforeseen hurt and uncertainty is having a huge effect on me emotionally, spiritually and mentally.
I’ve become depressed yet again so I went to see a doctor. After looking at my depression screening, she told me “you look like a fine and normal person on the outside, but I can tell from your reponses that you are really hurting inside”
And I am. January was an extremely hard month. I had to pay rent at Madeline’s house which left me no extra money to move into another place. I could barely afford to eat, so I skipped a lot of meals. I was crying all the time; on the bus, in restaurants, café’s and every night and morning as I lay in bed. I felt constant anxiety and panic about where I was going to live.
Luckily, Louie Gong and his partner Cynthia offered me a place to stay with them in their own home. They are extremely kind and generous. I was nervous to move in with anyone after the way Madeline made me feel after moving in with her. However Louie and Cynthia are both much better roommates than Madeline ever could hope to be. I’ve felt emotionally safe there when I was at my breaking point so I’m eternally grateful for them. I know I wouldn’t still be here in Seattle if it weren’t for their kindness and help right now.
It’s been a whole lot of hurt and changes for me to process though and I’ve felt very alone throughout all of it.
I miss having a home where I feel completely comfortable and accepted. I miss Crockett and my dog Toby every day. I miss my mother. I miss pow wows and the medicine of dancing.
There are too many days and times to count that my mom tells me to just come “home” to Wisconsin. However I have never liked staying in Wisconsin for long, and I keep battling with my depression to remain here day by day. Alone.
It’s been hard to adjust to being alone so much. Having meals by myself and always going to sleep by myself is not my preferred way of going through life, especially when I’m having a hard time.
I suppose this year I’m meant to learn how to be strong and find peace with being alone. I’ll have to learn how to rely and trust my own self love and determination to get to where I want to be.
For the first 4 months, I commuted by car and bus each day, which meant spending 4 hours on the road in traffic. It was exhausting.
I tried telling crockett I needed to move out of Olympia. I asked him to move to Seattle with me.
He didn’t want to and I felt unsupported by him.
Even though I’d seen him move into two separate places in Seattle with his friends that year, I realized he was unwilling to move to Seattle with me.
So after four months of doing an exhaustive commute that was starting to affect my personality and mood at all times, I asked my friend Madeline if she wanted to move in together in Seattle.
Since she and her husband both worked in Seattle, it would be a win-win situation for us all to find a place to live in Seattle together. However the second day I was there, Crockett lost one of Madeline’s dogs.
I don’t think she ever trusted me after that, even though the dog was eventually found. I paid the rent on the 1st of the month instead of the night of the 31st and left the keys in the door on accident which caused her to freak out and doubt my entire character. She berated and yelled at me for those mistakes and the fact that she felt like she had to “try so hard not to ask me for anything”. Then she freaked out at me when I smoked a bowl in my room one night when I was having a hard time falling asleep.
She asked me to move out and never speak to her again.
So I’ve felt very hurt by the two closest people to me in Washington, my best friend and my boyfriend.
I realized that the ways that these people have hurt me makes me not want to get close to anyone.
Im in this phase where I fear growing close to people and loving them because those who I love and am closest to have all hurt me.
Then I realized there isn’t a single person that I love that hasn’t hurt me.
And it all started with my family..and all the ways my Dad, Mom, Norman and my sister have hurt me throughout my life in various ways.
I know that at my core I am a very positive and optimistic person, but all this unforeseen hurt and uncertainty is having a huge effect on me emotionally, spiritually and mentally.
I’ve become depressed yet again so I went to see a doctor. After looking at my depression screening, she told me “you look like a fine and normal person on the outside, but I can tell from your reponses that you are really hurting inside”
And I am. January was an extremely hard month. I had to pay rent at Madeline’s house which left me no extra money to move into another place. I could barely afford to eat, so I skipped a lot of meals. I was crying all the time; on the bus, in restaurants, café’s and every night and morning as I lay in bed. I felt constant anxiety and panic about where I was going to live.
Luckily, Louie Gong and his partner Cynthia offered me a place to stay with them in their own home. They are extremely kind and generous. I was nervous to move in with anyone after the way Madeline made me feel after moving in with her. However Louie and Cynthia are both much better roommates than Madeline ever could hope to be. I’ve felt emotionally safe there when I was at my breaking point so I’m eternally grateful for them. I know I wouldn’t still be here in Seattle if it weren’t for their kindness and help right now.
It’s been a whole lot of hurt and changes for me to process though and I’ve felt very alone throughout all of it.
I miss having a home where I feel completely comfortable and accepted. I miss Crockett and my dog Toby every day. I miss my mother. I miss pow wows and the medicine of dancing.
There are too many days and times to count that my mom tells me to just come “home” to Wisconsin. However I have never liked staying in Wisconsin for long, and I keep battling with my depression to remain here day by day. Alone.
It’s been hard to adjust to being alone so much. Having meals by myself and always going to sleep by myself is not my preferred way of going through life, especially when I’m having a hard time.
I suppose this year I’m meant to learn how to be strong and find peace with being alone. I’ll have to learn how to rely and trust my own self love and determination to get to where I want to be.