The first of many... maybe,
I'm in a weird mood lately.
The things that I enjoy doing are still fun... but... lately, I'm wanting to go out and do stuff. But a lack of sufficient spare change and the fact any friends I could hang out with outside the house are typically busy, not to mention my crappy work schedule which has me working almost every day but with very few hours, I don't get the chance to go OUT and do stuff...
Not that there's much to DO anyway... I don't drink, so I don't enjoy going to bars... I feel uncomfortable going to new places alone, so I haven't the nerve to try a dance/night club (Plus, they're way too expensive anyway)... going to see a movie in the theater isn't as fun when you're alone... plus it costs money... there aren't a lot of places OPEN at night, either...
So I end up thinking to myself a lot. And I typically start thinking about the things I don't like about myself. Many of them may seem like trivial things... maybe they are. (Hey, I WARNED you about moodiness.) You would think I could at least find solace in my own head, right? Wrong. My head is too hustle and bustle, and not even with things that matter... like my 'faults'. A long time ago I let what people say about me affect my mood... I think everyone does, to a degree. Sometimes people tell me I'm weird, and I tell them I'm glad to hear it, and I am... but is it wise to be so willfully different?
I dunno. Right now my mind is about as hectic as a Jedi fighting a Sith Lord. Take what you will from that statement.
But besides said epicness of inability to focus, I've been having some major, serious thoughts about some issues I truly have. Primarily... my lack of ability to remain interested in love interests. It starts out great, it starts out exciting... but within weeks (sometimes, days) it begins to cool a little, begins to slowly simmer. Then sometimes, inexplicably, it just vanishes, like someone cutting the gas from the stove. Why can't I commit completely? Some would say it's instinct against a less-than-perfect mate/match. In some cases I'd agree... but now?
Now I'm in a relationship with a woman who is essentially everything I could hope for. She's witty, I think she's pretty, we get along without arguing (too much), we have a great, ah, physical rapport, though there's a few quirks we're working on (Her lack of having seen a lot of movies or knowing a lot of songs but it's a playful issue). There are a few major issues regarding her unwillingness to open up about her past... and my very dark, painful-to-think-about past... and the distance between our homes (she's a 50 minute drive away...)... but those are still reasonable things couples work on over the course of their relationship. This is one of the few partners I have had where we're actually communicating very well...
So why am I haven't such a hard time keeping interested? Why can't I just say, 'Hey, this is a great thing I've got going!' and be happy about it? Why can't I seem to recall that without her, I'd be single and miserable because NOBODY else in the area would spare me a passing glance...? Am I that terrible of a person? It's not the distance that's the issue (though it's a factor, at least); I've had relationships where the person was five minutes away end sourly because I lost interest.
Anyway, this LJ was simply a means for me to put my scattered thoughts down onto something... to be honest, I don't care who reads these... just spare me the scathing criticism, I scathe myself more than enough, ok?
Do I like her? Yeah, she's absolutely great, and wonderful and sweet. Do I love her? Yes, yes I do and she says she loves me too. Am I in love with her? No, and neither is she... but then again, I don't think I've ever been IN love.... been in lust plenty of times, and will be again regardless of who I date. Is it a case of me somehow detecting she's not a good match for me, no matter how happy she makes me when I'm actually near her?
Ugh, it's so tempting to erase this entire thing and pretend I never signed up. But a good friend said that I needed to start recording my thoughts SOMEHOW... so I'm going to trust my spiky-haired friend and his detective of a husband. (Yeah, haters; my closest friends are gayer than a two dollar bill painted with neon. Suck it.)
I've just been tired lately. Really tired... and I can't seem to recharge my batteries, so to speak. Why am I so tired...?
Why can't I feel happy anymore...?
Why do I think anyone on here will care...?
Why do I care what people will think...?
Oh. Right. Because I'm crazy and no matter what I say I'm too emotional for my own good. That's why...
F. M. L.
The things that I enjoy doing are still fun... but... lately, I'm wanting to go out and do stuff. But a lack of sufficient spare change and the fact any friends I could hang out with outside the house are typically busy, not to mention my crappy work schedule which has me working almost every day but with very few hours, I don't get the chance to go OUT and do stuff...
Not that there's much to DO anyway... I don't drink, so I don't enjoy going to bars... I feel uncomfortable going to new places alone, so I haven't the nerve to try a dance/night club (Plus, they're way too expensive anyway)... going to see a movie in the theater isn't as fun when you're alone... plus it costs money... there aren't a lot of places OPEN at night, either...
So I end up thinking to myself a lot. And I typically start thinking about the things I don't like about myself. Many of them may seem like trivial things... maybe they are. (Hey, I WARNED you about moodiness.) You would think I could at least find solace in my own head, right? Wrong. My head is too hustle and bustle, and not even with things that matter... like my 'faults'. A long time ago I let what people say about me affect my mood... I think everyone does, to a degree. Sometimes people tell me I'm weird, and I tell them I'm glad to hear it, and I am... but is it wise to be so willfully different?
I dunno. Right now my mind is about as hectic as a Jedi fighting a Sith Lord. Take what you will from that statement.
But besides said epicness of inability to focus, I've been having some major, serious thoughts about some issues I truly have. Primarily... my lack of ability to remain interested in love interests. It starts out great, it starts out exciting... but within weeks (sometimes, days) it begins to cool a little, begins to slowly simmer. Then sometimes, inexplicably, it just vanishes, like someone cutting the gas from the stove. Why can't I commit completely? Some would say it's instinct against a less-than-perfect mate/match. In some cases I'd agree... but now?
Now I'm in a relationship with a woman who is essentially everything I could hope for. She's witty, I think she's pretty, we get along without arguing (too much), we have a great, ah, physical rapport, though there's a few quirks we're working on (Her lack of having seen a lot of movies or knowing a lot of songs but it's a playful issue). There are a few major issues regarding her unwillingness to open up about her past... and my very dark, painful-to-think-about past... and the distance between our homes (she's a 50 minute drive away...)... but those are still reasonable things couples work on over the course of their relationship. This is one of the few partners I have had where we're actually communicating very well...
So why am I haven't such a hard time keeping interested? Why can't I just say, 'Hey, this is a great thing I've got going!' and be happy about it? Why can't I seem to recall that without her, I'd be single and miserable because NOBODY else in the area would spare me a passing glance...? Am I that terrible of a person? It's not the distance that's the issue (though it's a factor, at least); I've had relationships where the person was five minutes away end sourly because I lost interest.
Anyway, this LJ was simply a means for me to put my scattered thoughts down onto something... to be honest, I don't care who reads these... just spare me the scathing criticism, I scathe myself more than enough, ok?
Do I like her? Yeah, she's absolutely great, and wonderful and sweet. Do I love her? Yes, yes I do and she says she loves me too. Am I in love with her? No, and neither is she... but then again, I don't think I've ever been IN love.... been in lust plenty of times, and will be again regardless of who I date. Is it a case of me somehow detecting she's not a good match for me, no matter how happy she makes me when I'm actually near her?
Ugh, it's so tempting to erase this entire thing and pretend I never signed up. But a good friend said that I needed to start recording my thoughts SOMEHOW... so I'm going to trust my spiky-haired friend and his detective of a husband. (Yeah, haters; my closest friends are gayer than a two dollar bill painted with neon. Suck it.)
I've just been tired lately. Really tired... and I can't seem to recharge my batteries, so to speak. Why am I so tired...?
Why can't I feel happy anymore...?
Why do I think anyone on here will care...?
Why do I care what people will think...?
Oh. Right. Because I'm crazy and no matter what I say I'm too emotional for my own good. That's why...
F. M. L.