WAWD2 - Sake Cars
Japan does not possess nuclear weapons, possibly because they're the only nation to see them from the wrong end. Or because they're working on far subtler ways to destroy us all. Their fiendish Pokemen are multiplying without end, they hypnotise our children with lightning fast cartoon ninja who - mysteriously - can take up to three weeks to throw a punch, and now they're near ready to unleash their ultimate weapon: a car that runs on alcohol. And if you can't see the imminent slaughter that will follow such an invention then welcome to Earth, distant traveller, you have much to learn about human nature.
This isn't industrial alcohol either, this is low-grade but drinkable sake. The drink they serve in sushi restaurants to distract you from the fact that you're eating raw fish, which my girlfriend tells me is quite sophisticated. I may be from Ireland - a nation whose greatest culinary achievement is "Not entirely starving to death during the famine"- but even I know that the invention of fire was a step forward. Shoving a car without wheels isn't sophisticated, treating disease without antibiotics isn't sophisticated, and you can take these chunks of salmon off my plate and bring them back when you've cooked them. I don't require four-star Michelin chefs, but do insist that meat goes through more stages than "stops moving around by itself" before it's declared fit for human consumption.
Our only hope of avoiding the road-death slaughter of the entire species is to offload these boozemobiles somewhere the combination of alcohol and automobiles is encouraged - NASCAR. I can really see these cars taking off there, quite literally, though there may be trouble adapting the engines for American beer (the only beverage stronger on the way out than the way in). Never mind the organised traffic jam that is Formula One and fifty lap discussions of wet and dry tyres; real nail-biting tactics will come in as drivers have to decide drink the gas or save it for left turn #6554 of the south's favourite high speed game, "Avoid the Wall". It may sound pretty easy but even the best drivers fuck it up once or twice. Well, once.
Editors note: We award the Cracked "Excellent Writing Self-Restraint" prize to the author for writing this entire article without using the phrase "drunk driving".
This isn't industrial alcohol either, this is low-grade but drinkable sake. The drink they serve in sushi restaurants to distract you from the fact that you're eating raw fish, which my girlfriend tells me is quite sophisticated. I may be from Ireland - a nation whose greatest culinary achievement is "Not entirely starving to death during the famine"- but even I know that the invention of fire was a step forward. Shoving a car without wheels isn't sophisticated, treating disease without antibiotics isn't sophisticated, and you can take these chunks of salmon off my plate and bring them back when you've cooked them. I don't require four-star Michelin chefs, but do insist that meat goes through more stages than "stops moving around by itself" before it's declared fit for human consumption.
Our only hope of avoiding the road-death slaughter of the entire species is to offload these boozemobiles somewhere the combination of alcohol and automobiles is encouraged - NASCAR. I can really see these cars taking off there, quite literally, though there may be trouble adapting the engines for American beer (the only beverage stronger on the way out than the way in). Never mind the organised traffic jam that is Formula One and fifty lap discussions of wet and dry tyres; real nail-biting tactics will come in as drivers have to decide drink the gas or save it for left turn #6554 of the south's favourite high speed game, "Avoid the Wall". It may sound pretty easy but even the best drivers fuck it up once or twice. Well, once.
Editors note: We award the Cracked "Excellent Writing Self-Restraint" prize to the author for writing this entire article without using the phrase "drunk driving".