Why aren't we dead yet? #1 - Fire ants virus
Science has always been a double-edged sword, with advances like penicillin, electricity and TV balanced by napalm, nuclear weapons and TVs showing Oprah Winfrey. Some inventors, however, juggle that Sword of Science along with the Throwing axe of Technology and the Petrol-powered Chainsaw of Ludicrous Insanity. The human brain can only hold so much information, and it's becoming pretty clear that geniuses make room for SCIENCE by getting rid of "common sense", "restraint" and the bit that asks "Wait a minute, are you sure this won't kill everyone?" The worst part is that they're genuinely well-meaning, like a guy with a sledgehammer insisting he can help you with that toothache. It's frankly a miracle that we've survived this long; hold tight as I look at modern scientific advances and ask "Why aren't we dead yet?"
1. Deadly Fire Ants Virus
A bunch of Floridian researchers have come up with a way to eradicate fire ants, and those of you not used to the power of SCIENCE may want to brace yourselves: They plan to infect the fire ants with a self-sustaining genetically modified virus, which they will release into Texas farmlands. If you think that's a bad idea, please raise your hand. If you think it's a good idea, please raise your giant mutated ant-pincer, giving the terrified but sexy teenager you're about to devour the chance to escape. To highlight the differences between scientists and 'regular' people, ask yourself: how would you kill an ant?
a) Stamp on it
b) Burn it with a magnifying glass
c) Alter a viral agent for increased lethality and transmissivity, then release it into the American outback.
If you answered c), congratulations, you're Cobra Commander! Please remain where you are and G.I. Joe will arrive to punch you in the jaw shortly. This 'solution' only confirms what we've suspected for some time - that going to superscience college leaves absolutely no time to watch movies, read non-science books, or just idly sit around thinking "Wow, what a lovely day, I'm sure glad there are no gigantic mutated killer ants terrorizing humanity". I'd love to watch these people in their daily lives.
"Honey, can you take out the trash?"
"No problem - I'll use a localised plasma blast to set fire to the kitchen, and the emergency services will remove everything the flames miss!"
"Please, dear, just take out the trash before driving little Tommy to school."
"Which reminds me: he didn't tidy his room, so don't go in there until I deactivate the cybertronic tigers. And clean up the blood."
I'm only surprised they stopped before jamming some plutonium in there, which I can only assume they're saving for a major problem like pigeons or littering.
1. Deadly Fire Ants Virus
A bunch of Floridian researchers have come up with a way to eradicate fire ants, and those of you not used to the power of SCIENCE may want to brace yourselves: They plan to infect the fire ants with a self-sustaining genetically modified virus, which they will release into Texas farmlands. If you think that's a bad idea, please raise your hand. If you think it's a good idea, please raise your giant mutated ant-pincer, giving the terrified but sexy teenager you're about to devour the chance to escape. To highlight the differences between scientists and 'regular' people, ask yourself: how would you kill an ant?
a) Stamp on it
b) Burn it with a magnifying glass
c) Alter a viral agent for increased lethality and transmissivity, then release it into the American outback.
If you answered c), congratulations, you're Cobra Commander! Please remain where you are and G.I. Joe will arrive to punch you in the jaw shortly. This 'solution' only confirms what we've suspected for some time - that going to superscience college leaves absolutely no time to watch movies, read non-science books, or just idly sit around thinking "Wow, what a lovely day, I'm sure glad there are no gigantic mutated killer ants terrorizing humanity". I'd love to watch these people in their daily lives.
"Honey, can you take out the trash?"
"No problem - I'll use a localised plasma blast to set fire to the kitchen, and the emergency services will remove everything the flames miss!"
"Please, dear, just take out the trash before driving little Tommy to school."
"Which reminds me: he didn't tidy his room, so don't go in there until I deactivate the cybertronic tigers. And clean up the blood."
I'm only surprised they stopped before jamming some plutonium in there, which I can only assume they're saving for a major problem like pigeons or littering.