Some real life stuff - beware - here be maudlin....
Monday, February 11, 2008, Noon, EST NYC
It's been a while since I posted anything more than about Stargate Atlantis episodes and one lone SGA fic - which was certainly an amazing miracle, but apparently, a one-off.
Essentially, I seem to be marking time through the winter. Thursday is Valentine's Day, and also February 14th marks the end of three months since my husband died on November 14, 2007. It seems impossible, inconceivable, that he's gone. It still seems that way. I suppose, in a way, that I'm "getting used to it." I don't really wait for him to come home from work at 4:30pm anymore, although that time of day - between 4:30pm and 7:00pm - remains difficult for me. I used to love twilight. Now, I'm not very happy with it.
One thing that does upset me a bit is that my daughter doesn't visit as often as I'd like. I mean, I certainly don't want her visiting me every day, but twice a week for an hour or two would be good. Also, I have trouble with "group" visits. Annette alone, or maybe with my six year old granddaughter, is good. But the whole bunch - not so good. I find the distraction tolerable but feel - after they've all gone home - as though I'd really not seen my daughter. I mean, when she is here with Anisa and also with her partner, her partner's daughter, and also a friend who hangs out with them a lot, it's just not a real *visit* with my daughter. It's simply "company." Which I don't enjoy much, don't really need, and actually, ordinarily, avoid! I'm a solitary soul at heart but I do like to spend time with someone one-on-one who I can talk to - not small-talk.... Oh, well. We can't always get what we want....
Getting through the winter is the goal and the endurance test. When it's sunny, I'm better. When it's grey, I'm a wreck. Honestly.
If I say, "thank God for LiveJournal" once more, will somebody shoot me? I really mean it! Thank God for LiveJournal. There's just that degree of "reaching out" combined with just that degree of "separateness" that I feel comfortable with.
Some of the things I haven't done which I wanted to do: read real books again. Since last summer when we found out that Hannes had cancer, I haven't been able to concentrate on books, which I've always loved, which have always been a solace and a love of mine - well, that hasn't improved. Yes, I read a couple of books. That's like - nothing - compared to my usual intake.... I feel as though I'm starving to death. Fact of the matter is, although I do read fanfic even that seems to be a burden right now. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up over it but what can I do, I feel awful about not reading books. It's stupid, but there it is!
I also don't get out of the house enough. I've been lucky that there's been virtually no snow around here. But because I'm not reading books, two of the places I love to go - the library and bookstores - are pretty much a waste of time at the moment! You see how this becomes a vicious circle-ish thing?!
On the plus side, I'm keeping up the house, doing a little cooking and cleaning - minimal, but sufficient for me to consider it a plus. I'm not sleeping away the days. I get up at a reasonable hour (although I must admit I sleep in my recliner, falling asleep while watching tv, rather than in my bed - which I guess is both a function of breathing problems when I have a cold and of course, the fact that Hannes isn't in my bed with me). Don't sleep away the days. This is a great temptation during times of what amounts to depression, to turn the days and the nights upside down. But I haven't started to do that yet. Thank God.
Also on the plus side: I know for an absolute fact that I will get through this. I'm old enough to realize that the initial agony of grief and loss does fade. I don't feel that way right now. But I do know that it's true. I don't *like* to think that my grief and my loss will abate; that, in some ways, I'll "forget" Hannes. But it's true for almost everybody. Therefore, it's true for me, since if I'm anything at all, I'm just like everybody else.
Again, on the other hand, I'm still sentimental enough that I will buy Hannes a birthday card and a stuffed animal for his birthday on March 19th. It's just who I am, and how I've always been with him. He's real enough to me, after 33 years together, that I couldn't *not* do that....
He would have been 62 years old....
Okay, enough with the maudlin.
I feel, well, I feel as though I've been gipped (gypped?) - done out of - something Hannes and I had talked about, on and off, over the years: how we'd grow old together, and what we'd do. For years we discussed buying a recreational vehicle or camper and traveling all over the United States, seeing different places, when we both retired. Then, these last couple years since *I* retired, we both seemed to be a little tired. So we discussed whether we would maybe move down south to someplace warm, like Florida, like old people do.... We hadn't decided anything, just talked in a desultory way.... And now - that's not to be. That's all over, those dreams and idle speculations and hopes for a quiet companionable old age. Fuck, I'm making *myself* cry! I must be making my readers want to bop me over the head with a hammer for being so self-pitying.
One thing I do know. Hannes never wanted to get old and infirm and dependent on others for his daily needs. He wouldn't have wanted to live as an invalid, for example. He hated giving up driving the car and having to rely on others to take him to doctor appointments and to the hospital, etc., those last few months. He simply hated it. So, for him, dying young and not having to diminish in a physical way any further, was a blessing, probably. I, on the other hand, would have liked to have him around a few more years, to take care of and love and be loved by....
You know what? It's a glorious (though cold) sunny sunny day! I'm going to go and make some chopped meat patties according to Hannes' excellent, delicious recipe, just for me! (Nothing new about that, Hannes really didn't like meat as much as he loved pasta, so when he cooked meat patties, they really *were* just for me!)
Thank God, once more, for LJ.
Love, max
It's been a while since I posted anything more than about Stargate Atlantis episodes and one lone SGA fic - which was certainly an amazing miracle, but apparently, a one-off.
Essentially, I seem to be marking time through the winter. Thursday is Valentine's Day, and also February 14th marks the end of three months since my husband died on November 14, 2007. It seems impossible, inconceivable, that he's gone. It still seems that way. I suppose, in a way, that I'm "getting used to it." I don't really wait for him to come home from work at 4:30pm anymore, although that time of day - between 4:30pm and 7:00pm - remains difficult for me. I used to love twilight. Now, I'm not very happy with it.
One thing that does upset me a bit is that my daughter doesn't visit as often as I'd like. I mean, I certainly don't want her visiting me every day, but twice a week for an hour or two would be good. Also, I have trouble with "group" visits. Annette alone, or maybe with my six year old granddaughter, is good. But the whole bunch - not so good. I find the distraction tolerable but feel - after they've all gone home - as though I'd really not seen my daughter. I mean, when she is here with Anisa and also with her partner, her partner's daughter, and also a friend who hangs out with them a lot, it's just not a real *visit* with my daughter. It's simply "company." Which I don't enjoy much, don't really need, and actually, ordinarily, avoid! I'm a solitary soul at heart but I do like to spend time with someone one-on-one who I can talk to - not small-talk.... Oh, well. We can't always get what we want....
Getting through the winter is the goal and the endurance test. When it's sunny, I'm better. When it's grey, I'm a wreck. Honestly.
If I say, "thank God for LiveJournal" once more, will somebody shoot me? I really mean it! Thank God for LiveJournal. There's just that degree of "reaching out" combined with just that degree of "separateness" that I feel comfortable with.
Some of the things I haven't done which I wanted to do: read real books again. Since last summer when we found out that Hannes had cancer, I haven't been able to concentrate on books, which I've always loved, which have always been a solace and a love of mine - well, that hasn't improved. Yes, I read a couple of books. That's like - nothing - compared to my usual intake.... I feel as though I'm starving to death. Fact of the matter is, although I do read fanfic even that seems to be a burden right now. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up over it but what can I do, I feel awful about not reading books. It's stupid, but there it is!
I also don't get out of the house enough. I've been lucky that there's been virtually no snow around here. But because I'm not reading books, two of the places I love to go - the library and bookstores - are pretty much a waste of time at the moment! You see how this becomes a vicious circle-ish thing?!
On the plus side, I'm keeping up the house, doing a little cooking and cleaning - minimal, but sufficient for me to consider it a plus. I'm not sleeping away the days. I get up at a reasonable hour (although I must admit I sleep in my recliner, falling asleep while watching tv, rather than in my bed - which I guess is both a function of breathing problems when I have a cold and of course, the fact that Hannes isn't in my bed with me). Don't sleep away the days. This is a great temptation during times of what amounts to depression, to turn the days and the nights upside down. But I haven't started to do that yet. Thank God.
Also on the plus side: I know for an absolute fact that I will get through this. I'm old enough to realize that the initial agony of grief and loss does fade. I don't feel that way right now. But I do know that it's true. I don't *like* to think that my grief and my loss will abate; that, in some ways, I'll "forget" Hannes. But it's true for almost everybody. Therefore, it's true for me, since if I'm anything at all, I'm just like everybody else.
Again, on the other hand, I'm still sentimental enough that I will buy Hannes a birthday card and a stuffed animal for his birthday on March 19th. It's just who I am, and how I've always been with him. He's real enough to me, after 33 years together, that I couldn't *not* do that....
He would have been 62 years old....
Okay, enough with the maudlin.
I feel, well, I feel as though I've been gipped (gypped?) - done out of - something Hannes and I had talked about, on and off, over the years: how we'd grow old together, and what we'd do. For years we discussed buying a recreational vehicle or camper and traveling all over the United States, seeing different places, when we both retired. Then, these last couple years since *I* retired, we both seemed to be a little tired. So we discussed whether we would maybe move down south to someplace warm, like Florida, like old people do.... We hadn't decided anything, just talked in a desultory way.... And now - that's not to be. That's all over, those dreams and idle speculations and hopes for a quiet companionable old age. Fuck, I'm making *myself* cry! I must be making my readers want to bop me over the head with a hammer for being so self-pitying.
One thing I do know. Hannes never wanted to get old and infirm and dependent on others for his daily needs. He wouldn't have wanted to live as an invalid, for example. He hated giving up driving the car and having to rely on others to take him to doctor appointments and to the hospital, etc., those last few months. He simply hated it. So, for him, dying young and not having to diminish in a physical way any further, was a blessing, probably. I, on the other hand, would have liked to have him around a few more years, to take care of and love and be loved by....
You know what? It's a glorious (though cold) sunny sunny day! I'm going to go and make some chopped meat patties according to Hannes' excellent, delicious recipe, just for me! (Nothing new about that, Hannes really didn't like meat as much as he loved pasta, so when he cooked meat patties, they really *were* just for me!)
Thank God, once more, for LJ.
Love, max