Thanks for the inspiration Pouya...
As one could probably tell, given any degree of investigative insight, that this post is inspired by one that was written by Pouya (today or yesterday, not really sure...no sleep = time becoming one large blob). In his post, Pouya used his livejournal account to vent about a certain situation in his life (I wont comment on the situation, given that I dont know much about it, and that I feel I know Pouya pretty well, so he probably made a wise decision in regards to his actions). However, as I was reading his post, I realized that I have been sitting on somethings that I would like to get off of my chest as well...not only as a means of releasing some steam (which has only has two real personal outlets, Dave and my parents), but also as a means to record how I am feeling over the events that have taken place over the past few months.
I guess I am beginning to realize the importance of recorded history...Life has the ability to maintain alot of its vividness and color if given the proper medium. However, this is a tad off topic, so I digress...
Looking back at the beginning of 2007 (from the perspective of the 2006 me) I was extremely excited about my prospects for the upcoming year. I managed to make Dean's List while handling (perhaps pwning is a better expression here) two jobs as well. My love life was finally beginning to fall into place...something that I (and those closest to me) can tell you took alot of patience and work on my part. My PeaceCorps application was completed and awaiting review, and it seemed that I had finally beaten down the demons of my past that continued to make my life if not miserable, than at the very least, less than pleasant...Within two months, this all came crashing down.
I suppose I should address each topic in order...
1. Classes - Although I still manage to maintain decent grades (overall GPA: 3.566), senioritis has trult set into its most rigid stage. I have no real passion for anything I am studying right now (sans select history course), and for the most part would not be too greatly hurt if I only pulled a 2.0 this semester. Well, perhaps that is not completely true, considering I still do my homework, papers, and studying for my courses. Lets just say that, in comparison to previous semesters, this one is the one in which I am most likely to bullshit my way through most of it...
2. Work - No one likes to work...Even if you have an awesome job (professional tv viewer?) it will eventually become exactly what it is: a job. You will eventually lose the passion for any job that does not stimulate you in some intellectual manner. I have reached that state with both my jobs. The RHAP job has always sucked, so I wont bother to address it any further. Red Lobster has now become a place I truly dread. If it isnt a mananger yelling at me for something that was never my responsibility to begin with, re-training someone who didnt get properly trained (without one utterance of thanks from a manager - I sacrificed my entire evening of money making to train), or dealing with lazy/rude/incompetant servers, its something else (how can a RED LOBSTER run out of its namesake?!?!?).
3. Love - This is the main reason I have abstained from using livejournal in what I believe is a couple of months now. This is something that has been nagging at my heart for 2 months now, and needs to be released in what is now the most productive means possible (given that I have repeatedly called/emailed the person with whom I desire to speak with about my feelings, to no success)...
*Another added bonus of my college education: I now save all personal emails...for a memior someday, or personal moments such as this*
To those who are unaware of whom I speak, I will not mention her name...I still love/respect her despite any other feelings I have at this moment. However, I assume that if you know me at all, then you know who I am talking about...I want to admit right now that I know how difficult I can be, esp. in regards to relationships. Getting burned in the past truly jaded me in a manner that it should not have...I should have been able to control myself better than I did. My mom says it is because I am sensitive, but I prefer to think of it as stupidity (or perhaps a clever mixture of both elements). After months and months of internal struggle, I managed to conquer my fears and let my heart open to her, and she let hers open to me.
I cant begin to describe love, as I feel it for her...overpowering.
Anyways, we began to express our love verbally (which to me is a majorly big deal). I quickly began to fall more for her than I already had. She was everything that I desire/need: beautiful, intelligent...she aroused my body, mind, and as corny as it sounds, soul. She met my parents (loved her), we booked a cruise together, and I was planning on giving her a promise ring (as a means to show her that I was not interested in anyone but her). I was talking with her one evening, and decided to ask her roommate to (sneakily) find out her ring size for me...then Karma paid back her debt.
"Im not in love with you anymore"....silence. I sat in my car, just a few minutes before I had to go into work, unable to move/think. I hadnt felt something like that in a long time...I couldnt cry because I was too busy concentrating on the immmense pain building up in my chest: like a cold burning (dry ice?).
Later, we talked...
"You should have seen this coming..." Whenever I asked her if she was ok, she said it was that she was busy with school, stressed out about classes. She always told me she loved me before she hung up the phone.
"I guess thats why I have been distant lately" She couldnt talk to me about it...
"I still love you...as a friend" Tears silently fall down my cheeks, why havent you talked to me then? Why did you blow me off for a movie, why did you never call me back when you said you would?
The anger exploded as ive never seen it in myself before...Along with the destruction of a new cell phone came the fear that i experienced along with my rage. I didnt want to lose her...but it was too late.
Into the arms of another just as quickly as she left mine...and again, silence. She needs time to be happy...I guess all those times you told me I made you happy were the same as when you said you loved me, and you would always be there for me.
"And know, above all else, that I will /always, always/ be here for you. Believe that."
I did...and you arent.
4. PeaceCorps - My application is "weak". I havent been rejected yet, and they have given me a chance to correct some mistakes, but the odds on me getting in are slim (none?)
5. Demons - Last weekend, a bag of stolen jewelry was found by my parents on their front step...a small portion that was stolen from my mom by 'my sister'...She decided to leave, please have the respect to stay away.
Conclusion: I have been trying not to let everything get to me, and am still trying, but my self-confidence has diminished. My mom said that everything happens for a reason, and perhaps this is true...I just wish I could see past the trees.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day...to everyone who has someone special to share it with, remember to be thankful and to continue to work to preserve it. Love is something that can not be created, controlled, or manipulated...its too beautiful to contain, so wonderful that you want to share it with the world...
February 14, 2006...
I guess I am beginning to realize the importance of recorded history...Life has the ability to maintain alot of its vividness and color if given the proper medium. However, this is a tad off topic, so I digress...
Looking back at the beginning of 2007 (from the perspective of the 2006 me) I was extremely excited about my prospects for the upcoming year. I managed to make Dean's List while handling (perhaps pwning is a better expression here) two jobs as well. My love life was finally beginning to fall into place...something that I (and those closest to me) can tell you took alot of patience and work on my part. My PeaceCorps application was completed and awaiting review, and it seemed that I had finally beaten down the demons of my past that continued to make my life if not miserable, than at the very least, less than pleasant...Within two months, this all came crashing down.
I suppose I should address each topic in order...
1. Classes - Although I still manage to maintain decent grades (overall GPA: 3.566), senioritis has trult set into its most rigid stage. I have no real passion for anything I am studying right now (sans select history course), and for the most part would not be too greatly hurt if I only pulled a 2.0 this semester. Well, perhaps that is not completely true, considering I still do my homework, papers, and studying for my courses. Lets just say that, in comparison to previous semesters, this one is the one in which I am most likely to bullshit my way through most of it...
2. Work - No one likes to work...Even if you have an awesome job (professional tv viewer?) it will eventually become exactly what it is: a job. You will eventually lose the passion for any job that does not stimulate you in some intellectual manner. I have reached that state with both my jobs. The RHAP job has always sucked, so I wont bother to address it any further. Red Lobster has now become a place I truly dread. If it isnt a mananger yelling at me for something that was never my responsibility to begin with, re-training someone who didnt get properly trained (without one utterance of thanks from a manager - I sacrificed my entire evening of money making to train), or dealing with lazy/rude/incompetant servers, its something else (how can a RED LOBSTER run out of its namesake?!?!?).
3. Love - This is the main reason I have abstained from using livejournal in what I believe is a couple of months now. This is something that has been nagging at my heart for 2 months now, and needs to be released in what is now the most productive means possible (given that I have repeatedly called/emailed the person with whom I desire to speak with about my feelings, to no success)...
*Another added bonus of my college education: I now save all personal emails...for a memior someday, or personal moments such as this*
To those who are unaware of whom I speak, I will not mention her name...I still love/respect her despite any other feelings I have at this moment. However, I assume that if you know me at all, then you know who I am talking about...I want to admit right now that I know how difficult I can be, esp. in regards to relationships. Getting burned in the past truly jaded me in a manner that it should not have...I should have been able to control myself better than I did. My mom says it is because I am sensitive, but I prefer to think of it as stupidity (or perhaps a clever mixture of both elements). After months and months of internal struggle, I managed to conquer my fears and let my heart open to her, and she let hers open to me.
I cant begin to describe love, as I feel it for her...overpowering.
Anyways, we began to express our love verbally (which to me is a majorly big deal). I quickly began to fall more for her than I already had. She was everything that I desire/need: beautiful, intelligent...she aroused my body, mind, and as corny as it sounds, soul. She met my parents (loved her), we booked a cruise together, and I was planning on giving her a promise ring (as a means to show her that I was not interested in anyone but her). I was talking with her one evening, and decided to ask her roommate to (sneakily) find out her ring size for me...then Karma paid back her debt.
"Im not in love with you anymore"....silence. I sat in my car, just a few minutes before I had to go into work, unable to move/think. I hadnt felt something like that in a long time...I couldnt cry because I was too busy concentrating on the immmense pain building up in my chest: like a cold burning (dry ice?).
Later, we talked...
"You should have seen this coming..." Whenever I asked her if she was ok, she said it was that she was busy with school, stressed out about classes. She always told me she loved me before she hung up the phone.
"I guess thats why I have been distant lately" She couldnt talk to me about it...
"I still love you...as a friend" Tears silently fall down my cheeks, why havent you talked to me then? Why did you blow me off for a movie, why did you never call me back when you said you would?
The anger exploded as ive never seen it in myself before...Along with the destruction of a new cell phone came the fear that i experienced along with my rage. I didnt want to lose her...but it was too late.
Into the arms of another just as quickly as she left mine...and again, silence. She needs time to be happy...I guess all those times you told me I made you happy were the same as when you said you loved me, and you would always be there for me.
"And know, above all else, that I will /always, always/ be here for you. Believe that."
I did...and you arent.
4. PeaceCorps - My application is "weak". I havent been rejected yet, and they have given me a chance to correct some mistakes, but the odds on me getting in are slim (none?)
5. Demons - Last weekend, a bag of stolen jewelry was found by my parents on their front step...a small portion that was stolen from my mom by 'my sister'...She decided to leave, please have the respect to stay away.
Conclusion: I have been trying not to let everything get to me, and am still trying, but my self-confidence has diminished. My mom said that everything happens for a reason, and perhaps this is true...I just wish I could see past the trees.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day...to everyone who has someone special to share it with, remember to be thankful and to continue to work to preserve it. Love is something that can not be created, controlled, or manipulated...its too beautiful to contain, so wonderful that you want to share it with the world...
February 14, 2006...