[the muscles legacy] > 1.9
Catch up for extra credit:
[ 1.1 ] [ 1.2 ] [ 1.3 ] [ 1.4 ] [ 1.5 ] [ 1.6 ] [ 1.7 ] [ 1.8 ]
[ downloads ]
Warning haiku time:
violence towards butlerkind.
That and nude Yuuko.
Oh, and there's a sparkling new downloads section goin' on. Feel free to hit up the link up above.
Yuuko and Sens are currently up for download, and more will be forthcoming.
Last time on the Muscles legacy ('cos, well, it's been a month and a half and I'm positive you've forgotten. Sorry guys. D:):
Beretta scores with some bloke named Roderick.
Stay classy.
Yuuko goes batshit insane tries to find a hobby that suits her.
Yuuko: It's this or don hair curlers and join a knitting circle, I guess...
Like any reasonable not-husband, Sens uses this newfound freedom to boink his ex, GlaDos.
Sens: You know, you really don't have to recap that part--
And lastly, the (quasi-)happy family holds an offical Formal Sunday!
Today, only fancy dress and refined mannerisms may be used, and strenuous work must be avoided like the plague.
The Black Plague, in fact. They're that fancy.
Our bored captives dashing heroes begin their day at the Sparkling Pretentious Breakfast Table.
Magnum Dr. Zaius: Oh mother dear, I do see that you hold your cereal spoon as one would a silver tooth-picking fork.
Derringer: Oh, yes. Indeed.
Beretta: Quite indecorous, really.
Sens: Pip, pip.
Yuuko: ...alright, I'm never making any of you breakfast again.
Dr. Zaius: And you, dear half-brother--you do appear to be enjoying your cereal a little too thusly. *lavishly consumes cereal*
Derringer: I do say, dear half-sister, that I am merely reacting to the ineptitude of your face.
Dr. Zaius: Why, I never! My face is as ept as--
They continued on in this vein for quite some time.
After breakfast, they retire to the ballroom--er, kitchen hallway, really--for a little classic dancing.
Derringer: Mother dearest, you really should take in your dress a couple of inches.
Sens: Cease your prattling, son. My hand's actually getting somewhere!
Derringer: *awkward pelvic thrust*
Dr. Zaius: Oh, YES!! The joy! The thrill!
Noodle: You have the chance, Beretta...just drop the little wench.
Beretta: Shh--later, Noodle. When Mom and Dad aren't watching...
Sens: H--Hey, Yuuko...
Yuuko: Yes, Sens?
Sens: I've got something to say...
Yuuko: Uh huh?
Sens: I really loved the skillful way...you beat the other girls...to the bride's bouquet!
Sens: Oh, Brad!
Butler Bloke: oh GOD, why?
Yuuko: Oh, Sens...
Sens: Oh...damnit...
Butler Bloke: Oh, my fragile British sensibilities! *vomits in mouth*
Next up on today's agenda is the Highly Impractical Shower Hour.
Without further ado:
I honestly cannot decide which is my favourite one...
Beretta seems so blissfully pleased, but Yuuko's shot is so delightfully absurd.
Either way, at least they're all clean. And soaking, but they now have a butler to deal with all the puddles they track around, right? :D
Yuuko: Why son, ah do declare it's hawt in here!
Derringer: ...Mother, this is a Formal Sunday, not a Southern Belle Thursday. Do submit to decorum.
Yuuko: ...oh.
Dr. Zaius: Playing Spore is srs bsns. *eyes narrow*
Beretta: HAHA GOTCHA!
Derringer: SISTER! This is neither formal NOR refined in the least! FATHER!
Sens: Go ask yer' mom.
Derringer: Mother, I do dec--er...
Yuuko: WHOOP, WHOOP! *swings on chandelier*
Beretta: Go, Mom!
Derringer: This does not abide! What has happened to the sanctity of Formal Sunday!? *turns mother off*
Yuuko: Game over. Player one wins!
I'd say she doesn't really grasp the concept of Formal Sundays, but really, that goes without saying.
So apparently the games room is not conducive to a proper Formal Sunday. Alas. D:
Let's press on regardless and embark upon the Needlessly Wordy Art Viewing!
Beretta: I'm inclined to view this piece as a social commentary on the life of the average college student; the lifestyle in which one--
Yuuko: --smokes a lot of pot! :D
Derringer: OHOHOHOH...I mean...Mother!
Dr. Zaius: I--I don't get it...
Sens: Damn, my daughter looks good in that dress...
I immediately see my wrongdoing in forcing them into cultured activities.
So I prod them into doing something more their speed.
Dr. Zaius: M-Mother...I'm really...not cut out for...cheerleading!
Yuuko: WORK THOSE LEGS, GIRL!
Derringer: *oof...*
Beretta: FASTER!
And this is where my month-long hiatus took place. :D
Yes, most of the topics on this message board are exactly like those ones. Viva LiveWire.
/referral spam
Um...that was horribly unrelated. But anyways, back to your regularly scheduled programming, which I actually remember playing:
Derringer: I...go no further...
Beretta: FAILURE! DX
Dr. Zaius: Brother! NO!
Derringer: Sister...please...keep cartwheeling. For me.
Dr. Zaius: I shall make you proud...
Meanwhile...
Beretta: Mother dearest, you look tense. Turn around--let me give you a rub--
Yuuko: No. No, just--no.
Beretta: M--Mother? Whyever not?
Derringer: goin' fishin'.
Yuuko: It's disturbing enough that you want to engage in incestuous foreplay, but...
Beretta: But...but what?
Yuuko: But your real mother died in a car crash fifteen years ago!
Beretta: *is flabbergast*
Um...are you really hugging right after that?
Beretta: What? Oh, no, don't worry.
Yuuko: I'm auditioning for a soap opera next week. Beretta was just running lines with me.
I think this is a *headdesk*worthy moment.
Well, at this point I'm bored with the lack of productivity that is Formal Sunday.
So I force my mindless little automatons to work, damnit!
*silently curses taskbar that manages to peek through*
It's not my fault I was sloppy...I was playing this surreptitiously during a rather dull English class. >_>
Beretta: Damnit--my heels are going to smell like that bloody compost for ages. D:
Dress sense. They haz it.
Derringer: Damnit--well, wait. I'll just give it to Beretta for her birthday and say it's in fashion or something.
Kindness. They haz it.
Dr. Zaius: YAAAAAY JUMP ROPE! :D
...
Derringer: Ow...my ears! How is she so loud?
You know, I kind of do enjoy the absurd impracticality that is using a sewing pedal with a long dress on.
Yuuko: Shall I stop? Can I eat something? I'm really quite--
--no. Carry on.
Beretta: Mr. Darcy! You saucy bastard!
Well...at least she's reading, right?
Beretta: Damn, if I were in this book I'd totally fuck up their shit! :D
...she tries.
Well, I invite a couple of folks 'round for the hell of it. It's not a Formal Sunday without an Inordinately Pretentious Dinner Party, now is it?
Butler Bloke: My heartfelt greetings, madam. If you would care to venture to the nearest lavatory, you may change into the formal attire that will be provided for you.
Random Townie #417: Um...I was just walking downtown to get some groceries. I'll just--
Butler Bloke: I insist. Please, follow me.
Derringer: ...yeah, the last time Dad and I did something together was that zoo trip back in fourth grade. I mean, it's okay, I know he's pretty busy and all. I did really like those elephants, tho--
Dr. Zaius: FUCK YES. Elephants. (+5000)
Side note: almost out of childhood. Nice.
Wow. She seems to take after her stepmother, doesn't she?
Selective memories, I suppose.
Butler Bloke: My heartfelt greetings, s--
Beretta: Hey. *attacks*
Butler Bloke: ...or one can do that.
The remainder of the dinner party arrives: Sens' parents and brother.
Sein: So...I'm like your uncle or something, yeah?
Dr. Zaius: Um, yeah, guess so.
Sein: So you have to do ev'rything I tell you to, yeah?
Dr. Zaius: ...I'mma help Mom with dinner. Bye.
Meanwhile, random townies invade the art room.
Townie Who Is a Little Too Old to Be Rocking Pigtails: I, like, like totally want like a rich guy with like, a private jet so I can like, shop, like, like Sarah Palin!
Random Townie #417: --okay, I'm going to go check on dinner. Don't mind me.
Yuuko: Haven't started it yet. Keep talking.
Sens: ...you're evil. I like it.
Yuuko: I know.
Meanwhile, Beretta decides she wants to befriend that rather creepy, jazz-hands using Kindergoth she met in a club some time ago. I have absolutely no idea why.
Roderick: Huh. I'm not good enough for you, I take it?
Beretta: What? I just think he needs a friend! :3
Roderick: Fine. Go ahead and call him. I'll just contemplate this ladder here.
Beretta: Alright, cool. *dials*
Roderick: ...shit, do I actually have to pretend to contemplate a ladder?
...DERRINGER. DX
Derringer: It's not my fault! I swear!
...just get inside and cool down in time for dinner.
Magnum: Wow...Derringer, have I ever told you how nice you look with a little colour?
Derringer: Um...thanks?
Magnum: You know...we're not technically siblings an' all...
Tiffany: *barks at the horrifying twincest*
...I SAID COOL DOWN. D:
Meanwhile, the Butler Bloke decrees it a capital time to spoil the Inordinately Pretentious Dinner Party.
Sens: I'll remember this, fiend! DX
Hey! That bastard's taking Dr. Zaius' bed!
Butler Bloke: This is for calling me Jeeves, you little bitch! >:D
Oh, dear lord. Look, if you want the bed, just take it. I don't need to see this. :S
You smug little prick. >_>
Sens doesn't take it too personally, however. He's found a way to work his problems out:
Rooftop concerts are infinitely classier in formalwear. There's no denying it.
Yuuko: Here. Put these on.
Sens: Clothes? For me?! *extreme shock*
Yuuko: Yeah. I'm not being romantic--it's just...well, that's a really hideous suit, okay? Please just wear these. I made them for you this afternoon...
Sens: I--I've never been so happy! :D
Noodle: *devours Tiffany's paw*
Yuuko: Er...thanks for changing, but couldn't you have...you know, taken the scarf o--
Sens: --NEVAR. :O
Derringer: If I don't look at them, I can't be associated with them. Right?
Sens: B--but I don't understand! This doesn't look like dead cow... :\
Townie Who Is a Little Too Old to Be Rocking Pigtails: Like, your BF is like, like wicked deficient, Yuuko.
Yuuko: Indeed.
Townie Who Is a Little Too Old to Be Rocking Pigtails: But he's still like, like totally hot!
Derringer: Hey, Grandma...I think I have something on my teeth. Can you take a look?
Syla: Why, of course, dea--mmmmmmph!
Tiffany: ...oh god, what is that? I didn't need to see that! Why are we fighting? Why aren't we running away?
Noodle: Quickly--let us escape this horribly incestuous scene!
Meanwhile, the other grandparent-child bond is faring no better.
Sian: So I take it from your dress that you're female. Wasn't sure before.
Dr. Zaius: ...FML.
Noodle: You know, the fact that I chose to flee the incestuous horror with you doesn't mean I like you to any ex--holy shit, you have a nice--ah, I mean...
This was going to be a penis envy joke before I realized the dog was female.
I really can't help the inappropriate humour, guys. :\ Sorry.
Derringer: This will not do! It's all so unrefined--this Formal Sunday is a complete catastrophe!
Sian: Dude! I bet I can make my face go like that too! *grimaces*
Derringer: ...filthy proletarians!
Yuuko: Muscles residence, good evening...oh, he--wait a second, Pierre? My not-husband's ex-boyfriend? Why the hell are you calling me?
Random Townie #417: Oof...four hundred twenty-seven...four hundred twenty...eight...
At least she's not blocking the bathroom, I suppose.
The dinner party heads out soon after. Everyone trickles off to GTFO of their formalwear and sleep.
Well, except for Sens.
Some people count sheep.
Sens: Yeah, and I gut fish. Deal with it.
In Soviet Russia, failure guts--
Sens: --finish that sentence and we'll see who guts whom.
Sens: VICTOLY! :D
Kudos. Can you please just go to bed now?
Sens: Yeah, whatever.
Oh, Dr. Zaius. Narcissism does not suit you, even in your dreams.
The next morning...
Beretta: Good morning, Magnum.
Dr. Zaius: Y--you're...actually touching me? Am I still dreaming?
Beretta: Um...
Dr. Zaius: To celebrate, I shall let you have this winmuffin. Just let me perform the ritual blessing and animal sacrifice, and--
Beretta: Er--you know, I think I'll just have coffee this morning. But thanks!
Butler Bloke: *walks past nonchalantly*
Butched-Out Yuuko: Oh no you didn't.
Yuuko: Good morning.
Butler Bloke: Good morning to you, madam.
Yuuko: I'll be blunt. I'm afraid you're going to have to leave. We've already bought our daughter a new bed but we can't overlook what you did.
Butler Bloke: Ma'am, you mean to say--
Yuuko: GTFO, and take your fail with you. Good day.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Butler Bloke: Well in that case, madam...*puts on thievin' gloves*
Yuuko: Fine. Just...just take something. I'm going to work.
...you want the staircase-mounted light? Okay, fine. Have fun with that.
SCREW YOU TOO, BUDDY.
/anger issues
See, this is why I very rarely have butlers. It always regresses into bitter acrimony and threats of lobotomizing with scissors. D:
*buys a violin*
Picture is unrelated, but it's Noodle so that's okay.
Noodle: I CAN HAZ CHEESEBURGER NAO?
I like teaching him tricks even though they're pointless as he can't get a pet job anymore.
I mean, he's hilarious when he stands up for one thing. :D
Sens: You know what? Fuck it all. I think I'll just torch this place and start over in a new life.
Dr. Zaius: ...my intuition tells me not to walk around this corner. Rather, it tells me to run like hell...
Sens: Goodbye, cruel world!
Sens: ...said the delicious dessert before bursting out into a pleasantly-scented alcohol fire! :D
Later that night...
It becomes apparent that Sens did not let all the alcohol burn off. :\
Dr. Zaius is magical.
See, she really is the only kid I've ever had bake a winmuffin. Which is all well and good, but then she keeps on doing it.
It's not just winmuffin, it's like winmuffin, winmuffin, winmuffin!
Add that to the fact she has only two cooking points, and it's sheer awesomeness.
Oh dear. ._.
They're past the point of bathroom privacy already?
Sens: Hey, our sex life is so lame lately, I have to get it in somehow. >_>
Yuuko: Well, maybe if you asked how my day went once in a while, I might actually be in the mood for once. >:|
Moving right along...
Another day, another winmuffin. Although couldn't you have cleaned up the spoiled cake beforehand? There's a swarm...
Dr. Zaius: No. It reflects the horrors of the outside world and how my winmuffins allow me some slight sense of solace.
Cheer up emo kid, it'll be okay...
Sens: Why, hello there! It's so nice to make your acquaintance, Mr. Kitteh! :D
Noodle: ...why do I remain in this house? There's food all over the place, I'm sure of it. And someone else would take me in--
Uggz: Hey, hey, hey!
Beretta: Oh dear lord, mum was right. She really does just follow you home. Keep smiling...and...RUN!
Oh, Beretta. Ever sensible, she bolts for her locked room and rocks out to drown out the patient knocks of Uggz.
Uggz: Hello? Hellooooooo? Beretta, we should totes compare boot sizes--
Beretta: WE GIVE IT ALLLLL...THIS IS THE REE-ASON WHY AH SING
...Coincidentally, today is Dr. Zaius and Derringer's birthday. A party is thrown, and the guests are naturally rather awkward.
Eire: Why hello there, little adulterers! Auntie Eire's just checkin' out your pottery! :D
GlaDos: ...the bloated woman was referencing your genitals, correct?
Sens: ...why do I even bother keeping up this affair if my door doesn't have a lock?
Sens: Ah, screw it. She already has screwed it one drunken night in college. >_> C'mere, GlaDos.
Eire: So HOT.
Ah, parenting.
Yuuko: HEY-OH, it's the BIRTHDAY GAL! :D
Dr. Zaius: Er...yes. I'm going to my room for awhile.
Yuuko: And here's the B-DAY BOY! :D
Derringer: ...right. Where's Dad? I want to show him my report card.
So Yuuko's carpool and the school bus arrived at the same time. The OMNIDRIVER (the chick who had driven every single vehicle in the game up until now) of course couldn't be in two places at once, so a second driver spawned at last.
She's much less exciting, however.
LessOMNIDRIVER: I resent that.
Meanwhile, Sens is still playing the field.
Eire: Hey there, stud. Why don't you turn around and let me attempt to give you a backrub?
Sens: ...attempt?
Eire: Well, yeah, it's kind of hard with the baby bump and all. I'm pretty sure I can reach, though. Well, about seventy-thirty sure, anyways.
GlaDos: Actually, the odds will be twenty-three over pi to the amount of bruises on your face by the time I am through with you, Organic Bitch Specimen #48.
However, they manage to keep it together for the kids.
Uggz: WHOO! HELLZ YEAH! :D
Sens: How the hell does she manage to turn up for every important event in this family's history? *headbutts GlaDos*
Derringer: Damn...I bet I'm going to think Grandma's hot when I hit puberty.
Beretta: Oh no you AREN'T stealing my thunder, you little runts. *commands attention*
GlaDos: I had forgotten! I do not care about this impractical and fattening social function. I have my own cake.
Eire: I bet if I follow her, I could shiv that whore in the tool shed and nobody would even notice. Then he'd be all mine. :D
Derringer: AHEM.
Derringer: PUBERTYYYYY! :D
Well...he's, um...
...oh god, what happened to his nose?
Derringer: It--it's just an awkward angle. Look at my bicep instead!
Beretta: Hell yes! Half of my competition eliminated! :D
And now for the moment of truth.
...wait a second.
Dr. Zaius: Hey, look! I'm--
--there's no change.
Dr. Zaius: What? I'm--
THERE'S NO CHANGE.
WHYYYYYYY? D:
Beretta: Wow. What was I worried about? *tidies up nonchalantly*
Uggz: Why hello there, recently-developed little boy.
Yuuko: Back off, bitch.
I had them both wish for money. Money with which I built a somewhat awesome spa and sportsyard which I totally forgot to screenshot. D:
And yes, Magnum really did age up into that skirt. As a hilarious bonus, she rolled romance.
Sigh. ._.
Eire: Well, helloooo there, birthday boy! :D You know, you look an awful lot like--
Uggz: Your grandma's hot! :D
Derringer: ...why do we invite these people?
Derringer: Well, I guess it's just you and I that are sane here, sis.
Uggz: *sits down* I don't like you, you prissy bitch.
Dr. Zaius: ...hear hear, bro.
The sane ones party late into the night. Well, they shuffle along to classical music in a darkened room, anyways.
I could make a joke about how Dr. Zaius is kicking off her career as an exotic dancer, but that's like shooting fish in a barrel.
So let's just cut to the stats, okay?
Derringer's not the most interesting bloke, but he does want to become a Cult Leader, which is kind of epic in itself.
Plus, knowledge sim. Easy to play.
Magnum did, however, roll the totally hilarious combo of romance and popularity. I can't write that stuff myself.
Plus, she has entertaining turn-ons.
So there you have it. I plan on having the gen 2 heir chosen for the next update. At last. :D
I'd include an heir poll, but I figure after a month nobody has any idea who people are in my legacy so hey.
If you have any preferences/qualms/rants, leave a comment and it will be most definitely considered. :)
Beretta's popularity/romance and wants to become Cap'n Hero, for the record.
Bis später!