Несогласие, в том числе с самим собой, и удивление - двигатель жизни!
Алексей Козлов (автор идеи и координатор проекта) совместно с Всеволодом Чернозубом, Сергеем Федуловым и Анной Пришельцевой собрали в одном сборнике "Политическая эмиграция из России. Человеческое измерение" истории и интервью 10 политических беженцев, включая меня.
Бросил я ретроспективный взгляд. Перечитал сейчас своё интервью. Даже удивляюсь себе в каких-то моментах, хочу поспорить. :) Да, мне не скучно с самим собой. Я умею себя провоцировать, делать этакую самовозгонку, то есть из духовно спящего состояния переходить в бодрствующее, возбуждённое. И в этом, кажется, есть определённая ценность моих текстов, с которыми хочется спорить даже мне самому.
Недавно один мой друг философ признался, что на него мои статьи оказывают похожий эффект. Вот он двигатель жизни - УДИВЛЕНИЕ и НЕСОГЛАСИЕ, в том числе с самим собой!
На днях прочитаю интервью остальных беженцев и попробую отрефлексировать, сделать какие-то умозаключения и общие выводы.
I wrote a critical article about the Russian Orthodox Church. It is known that
“ the rotten does not tolerate a touch.” FSB found that the article “Karelia is
tired of priests” is an affront to the Orthodox, extremist and a threat to public
safety. Investigative Committee opened a criminal case. At the request of the
investigator the court of Petrozavodsk city sent me to compulsory forensic
psychological and psychiatric examination. The night after the court decision
the oldest wooden church in Petrozavodsk was burned down. I immediately
became a suspect. I suupose that the church was burned down on the orders
of FSB; this crime would prove the social danger of my article. FSB had to justify
themselves somehow, because my persecution got wide publicity.
I was given 10 days to appeal the decision on compulsory placement in a
psychiatric hospital. I decided not to tempt fate any more, and I left, because
you can not prove anything. There are about 20 different examinations and researches
in my case: linguistic, psychological, philological, legal. Perhaps the
greatest number of examinations ever made within one criminal case in Russia.
This did not help, did not influence the SK (investigative committee) and FSB.
I feared being placed to a mental hospital. Then I was receiving threats. When
dealing with thugs from FSB you see that those guys are capable of anything.
Besides, the offending article provides up to 2 years of imprisonment.
I had been to Estonia before, and I had an Estonian visa. No problems arose.
All staff of the migration service and the police who I encountered were friendly,
sympathetic and understanding, they made jokes. I, anyway, was supported
by many people and organizations in Russia and the world, which I appreciate
a lot. I had enough money for the first time to feel comfortable in the
foreign country.
Estonia also gave me a helping hand. A wonderful young man paid me for
an article for his magazine. A famous Estonian lawyer donated some money.
Estonian human rights activists and deputies provided moral support. The Estonian
president said he was glad to have the opportunity to help me providing
a shelter. The media wrote about me, I was invited to the TV, and diplomats
met with me.
I found friends in Estonia! All this is very important, because I came there being
depressed. The pressure of the Russian special services had exhausted
me. They had tried to break me seeking an admission of guilt, discredited me,
humiliated me, declared me insane, threatened me. Even seeing these cop
faces is already a stress. Especially at my own home during a night raid. Besides,
all the social atmosphere in Karelia is fairly nasty and stupid. In short,
it’s the atmosphere of fear and hopelessness. I survived two depression in
2012 and 2014. One was caused by the criminal prosecution. The other one by
personal circumstances.
In the beginning I was improving my health, I was recoverung. A four-month
waiting for the decision was tiring, a long state of uncertainty is morally difficult.
And, of course, one need to adapt to the new conditions. Lack of new
impressions also has its influence. Too quiet, gray and monotonous life is not
for me.
Estonia saved me physically, and Belgium both spiritually and economically.
PEN Centre of Flanders for six months created all conditions for me to work
peacefully, write books and my blog. My experience shows that if you have
helped people and protected freedom one day you’ll also be helped and protected.
Do I want to integrate into the new consumer society? I’m probably a harsh
person. I tell myself, “A talented person will not fade away and if there’s no talent
then let them fade away!”. Thinking people are white crows in any society.
I’m not good at adjusting and adapting. I do not think of what the world can
give me. I think of what I can give to the world. The reality is quite boring and
banal everywhere. And I feel like a guest everywhere. I stay for a while, look
how people live, and wander on having learnt something. In Antwerp, I got a
feeling of Destiny, I experienced important insights, I found love. Individuality,
and spiritual wealth are the main value, everything else is of little interest.
A person is strongly influenced by the environment, often in a negative, depressing
way. It’s hard for me to put up with it. I always want to relocate. I’m
in a constant search for a place under the sun and opportunities for self-fulfillment.
Everybody keeps saying it is necessary to learn the language. But what
for? To conduct meaningless talks? For most people, knowledge of foreign
languages does not prevent from being jackasses. I think in Russian, write in
Russian, read in Russian. And it is much more important for the humankind if
I’m able to say something valuable, something meaningful in my own language
than if I broadcast some banalities in 10 languages.
Emigration makes it possible to write in a more free, funny and relaxed way
about some absolutely wild, immoral, stupid “high-rank” people in Russia.
From abroad you can help, either by word, or by money. For example, I’m
going to publish several books. In Antwerp, I have publicly argued with the
Russian consul who was involved, in fact, into fascist propaganda.
In Europe, nobody prevents a person who’s trying to fulfill oneselves. A refugee
receiving international protection has the right to be engaged in any
activity. As the saying goes, «flag into hands» (go for it). A political refugee is
a person who has suffered for their beliefs, for their political views, for their
commitment to the principles of democracy and freedom. This is a more intellectually
developed person than conventional mass of people fleeing from war.
With smart people it’s always more complex and interesting. Most of refugees
from the Third World are hardly literate people with no education, culture and
education, some do not even know how to read and write. There are also educated
people among refugees of course; the war has mercy on no one. Most
political refugees have education, own business, have professions, opinions,
moral values. A refugee who fought against corruption, authoritarian regime
and injustice deserves my great respect. But of course, everybody must be
helped.
I take what is happening in Russia as a horror movie or a caricature. These are
news from the madhouse. The state has long gone. There are FSB kingpins
ruling a corrupted territory on their unwritten rules. In short, Russia is a country
of thieves, prison guards and other jail subculture folk. I obviously have
nothing to do among them.
Бросил я ретроспективный взгляд. Перечитал сейчас своё интервью. Даже удивляюсь себе в каких-то моментах, хочу поспорить. :) Да, мне не скучно с самим собой. Я умею себя провоцировать, делать этакую самовозгонку, то есть из духовно спящего состояния переходить в бодрствующее, возбуждённое. И в этом, кажется, есть определённая ценность моих текстов, с которыми хочется спорить даже мне самому.
Недавно один мой друг философ признался, что на него мои статьи оказывают похожий эффект. Вот он двигатель жизни - УДИВЛЕНИЕ и НЕСОГЛАСИЕ, в том числе с самим собой!
На днях прочитаю интервью остальных беженцев и попробую отрефлексировать, сделать какие-то умозаключения и общие выводы.
I wrote a critical article about the Russian Orthodox Church. It is known that
“ the rotten does not tolerate a touch.” FSB found that the article “Karelia is
tired of priests” is an affront to the Orthodox, extremist and a threat to public
safety. Investigative Committee opened a criminal case. At the request of the
investigator the court of Petrozavodsk city sent me to compulsory forensic
psychological and psychiatric examination. The night after the court decision
the oldest wooden church in Petrozavodsk was burned down. I immediately
became a suspect. I suupose that the church was burned down on the orders
of FSB; this crime would prove the social danger of my article. FSB had to justify
themselves somehow, because my persecution got wide publicity.
I was given 10 days to appeal the decision on compulsory placement in a
psychiatric hospital. I decided not to tempt fate any more, and I left, because
you can not prove anything. There are about 20 different examinations and researches
in my case: linguistic, psychological, philological, legal. Perhaps the
greatest number of examinations ever made within one criminal case in Russia.
This did not help, did not influence the SK (investigative committee) and FSB.
I feared being placed to a mental hospital. Then I was receiving threats. When
dealing with thugs from FSB you see that those guys are capable of anything.
Besides, the offending article provides up to 2 years of imprisonment.
I had been to Estonia before, and I had an Estonian visa. No problems arose.
All staff of the migration service and the police who I encountered were friendly,
sympathetic and understanding, they made jokes. I, anyway, was supported
by many people and organizations in Russia and the world, which I appreciate
a lot. I had enough money for the first time to feel comfortable in the
foreign country.
Estonia also gave me a helping hand. A wonderful young man paid me for
an article for his magazine. A famous Estonian lawyer donated some money.
Estonian human rights activists and deputies provided moral support. The Estonian
president said he was glad to have the opportunity to help me providing
a shelter. The media wrote about me, I was invited to the TV, and diplomats
met with me.
I found friends in Estonia! All this is very important, because I came there being
depressed. The pressure of the Russian special services had exhausted
me. They had tried to break me seeking an admission of guilt, discredited me,
humiliated me, declared me insane, threatened me. Even seeing these cop
faces is already a stress. Especially at my own home during a night raid. Besides,
all the social atmosphere in Karelia is fairly nasty and stupid. In short,
it’s the atmosphere of fear and hopelessness. I survived two depression in
2012 and 2014. One was caused by the criminal prosecution. The other one by
personal circumstances.
In the beginning I was improving my health, I was recoverung. A four-month
waiting for the decision was tiring, a long state of uncertainty is morally difficult.
And, of course, one need to adapt to the new conditions. Lack of new
impressions also has its influence. Too quiet, gray and monotonous life is not
for me.
Estonia saved me physically, and Belgium both spiritually and economically.
PEN Centre of Flanders for six months created all conditions for me to work
peacefully, write books and my blog. My experience shows that if you have
helped people and protected freedom one day you’ll also be helped and protected.
Do I want to integrate into the new consumer society? I’m probably a harsh
person. I tell myself, “A talented person will not fade away and if there’s no talent
then let them fade away!”. Thinking people are white crows in any society.
I’m not good at adjusting and adapting. I do not think of what the world can
give me. I think of what I can give to the world. The reality is quite boring and
banal everywhere. And I feel like a guest everywhere. I stay for a while, look
how people live, and wander on having learnt something. In Antwerp, I got a
feeling of Destiny, I experienced important insights, I found love. Individuality,
and spiritual wealth are the main value, everything else is of little interest.
A person is strongly influenced by the environment, often in a negative, depressing
way. It’s hard for me to put up with it. I always want to relocate. I’m
in a constant search for a place under the sun and opportunities for self-fulfillment.
Everybody keeps saying it is necessary to learn the language. But what
for? To conduct meaningless talks? For most people, knowledge of foreign
languages does not prevent from being jackasses. I think in Russian, write in
Russian, read in Russian. And it is much more important for the humankind if
I’m able to say something valuable, something meaningful in my own language
than if I broadcast some banalities in 10 languages.
Emigration makes it possible to write in a more free, funny and relaxed way
about some absolutely wild, immoral, stupid “high-rank” people in Russia.
From abroad you can help, either by word, or by money. For example, I’m
going to publish several books. In Antwerp, I have publicly argued with the
Russian consul who was involved, in fact, into fascist propaganda.
In Europe, nobody prevents a person who’s trying to fulfill oneselves. A refugee
receiving international protection has the right to be engaged in any
activity. As the saying goes, «flag into hands» (go for it). A political refugee is
a person who has suffered for their beliefs, for their political views, for their
commitment to the principles of democracy and freedom. This is a more intellectually
developed person than conventional mass of people fleeing from war.
With smart people it’s always more complex and interesting. Most of refugees
from the Third World are hardly literate people with no education, culture and
education, some do not even know how to read and write. There are also educated
people among refugees of course; the war has mercy on no one. Most
political refugees have education, own business, have professions, opinions,
moral values. A refugee who fought against corruption, authoritarian regime
and injustice deserves my great respect. But of course, everybody must be
helped.
I take what is happening in Russia as a horror movie or a caricature. These are
news from the madhouse. The state has long gone. There are FSB kingpins
ruling a corrupted territory on their unwritten rules. In short, Russia is a country
of thieves, prison guards and other jail subculture folk. I obviously have
nothing to do among them.