When will all the bad stuff start
I finished up the semester at the end of April, in fact I didn't even have classes to go to after the second week in April. I finished my projects and take home finals and papers and was all excited for summer break. On May 2nd I had completed everything and was looking forward to getting a head start on researching/working on my thesis. I got all As this semester and there were a ton of movies I wanted to go see, plans I had made with friends, mini-trips and short vacations and things were supposed to be good.
Nothing is ever what it's supposed to be. My dog, Mei-Ling started having trouble getting up and down the stairs, we figured that she was 12 and that it must be arthritis, soon after her sinuses seemed to be bothering her. We took her to the vet on May 23rd, a week after she first started to seem sick. She had liver cancer, and the vet said she had maybe two months left. We took her home, and about an hour after getting her home she went blind. We gave her prednisone(sp?) like the vet told us to and she acted better, and seemed okay, except she couldn't see all the time. I slept downstairs with her and took care of her around the clock. Mom cooked Farina and eggs and pancakes for her. And we bought her the food she liked and the treats she liked. But on June 13, she somehow cut her foot and kept licking it and irritating it. Because of the cancer she had issues clotting, so I had to wrap her foot in a washcloth and tie it so she couldn't get to it. So now she was limping around. Then two days later she ende up with two eye infections and it just seemed like there was nothing else that could really be done.
We took her to the vet on June 16 at 4PM. He said that she had gotten a lot worse and it was time and we were doing the right thing. I don't see how this was the right thing, the right thing would have been to notice when she first got sick (apparently quite some time ago) and done something about it. Or how the previous year when she seemed to have some kind of urination issue and her liver was enlarged that they should have run more tests then to see what was wrong and what was causing this. I feel like I only partially blame the vet though. I mean honestly, it's my fault. I was supposed to watch out for her and take care of her and notice when things were wrong. I remember waking up in the middle of the night sometime back in maybe April and being in tears freaking out that she was going to die. And I calmed myself down and just said it was a bad dream and she was only twelve and there was no reason why she couldn't be around for years to come. I should have done something.
So here I've been, spending my entire break so far doing nothing but taking care of her. It's been 10 days since she's been gone and it really sucks. I sit in my room and look where she used to sleep or go into the kitchen or get something to eat and expect to see her begging for scraps or sitting at the front door looking outside and she's not there. I guess I'm depressed I end up staying awake all night watching tv or playing solitaire or sometimes reading. And then I sleep most of the day or get up and then go back to bed because there just seems no reason to be up. Mom was upset when this first occurred but now she's just being a bitch. Maybe she's sad and she's just taking it out, everyone grieves differently but two days ago she just starts screaming at me and basically tells me to move out, which is fine by me I have no reason at all to stay here, but today she's changed her mind on that too. I don't know. Everything just really sucks right now.
I'm supposed to meet Katie tomorrow, it's the first day that I'll have been out with friends. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I've talked to P on the phone twice since this occurred, she's stressed with her own life and studying for the BAR so I didn't really say much, I was just being supportive of her mostly. Hopefully tomorrow will be okay, it's like I don't want to talk about this, but it's making me nuts to keep it all bottled up, which is why I decided to write this, it's easier than talking to a human, but probably equally therapeutic. I just feel defeated by life, it's just like everytime you get back up you get knocked down again and I'm really tired of getting back up.
I really hope that everyone else is having a much better summer and that life won't always be this hard.
Nothing is ever what it's supposed to be. My dog, Mei-Ling started having trouble getting up and down the stairs, we figured that she was 12 and that it must be arthritis, soon after her sinuses seemed to be bothering her. We took her to the vet on May 23rd, a week after she first started to seem sick. She had liver cancer, and the vet said she had maybe two months left. We took her home, and about an hour after getting her home she went blind. We gave her prednisone(sp?) like the vet told us to and she acted better, and seemed okay, except she couldn't see all the time. I slept downstairs with her and took care of her around the clock. Mom cooked Farina and eggs and pancakes for her. And we bought her the food she liked and the treats she liked. But on June 13, she somehow cut her foot and kept licking it and irritating it. Because of the cancer she had issues clotting, so I had to wrap her foot in a washcloth and tie it so she couldn't get to it. So now she was limping around. Then two days later she ende up with two eye infections and it just seemed like there was nothing else that could really be done.
We took her to the vet on June 16 at 4PM. He said that she had gotten a lot worse and it was time and we were doing the right thing. I don't see how this was the right thing, the right thing would have been to notice when she first got sick (apparently quite some time ago) and done something about it. Or how the previous year when she seemed to have some kind of urination issue and her liver was enlarged that they should have run more tests then to see what was wrong and what was causing this. I feel like I only partially blame the vet though. I mean honestly, it's my fault. I was supposed to watch out for her and take care of her and notice when things were wrong. I remember waking up in the middle of the night sometime back in maybe April and being in tears freaking out that she was going to die. And I calmed myself down and just said it was a bad dream and she was only twelve and there was no reason why she couldn't be around for years to come. I should have done something.
So here I've been, spending my entire break so far doing nothing but taking care of her. It's been 10 days since she's been gone and it really sucks. I sit in my room and look where she used to sleep or go into the kitchen or get something to eat and expect to see her begging for scraps or sitting at the front door looking outside and she's not there. I guess I'm depressed I end up staying awake all night watching tv or playing solitaire or sometimes reading. And then I sleep most of the day or get up and then go back to bed because there just seems no reason to be up. Mom was upset when this first occurred but now she's just being a bitch. Maybe she's sad and she's just taking it out, everyone grieves differently but two days ago she just starts screaming at me and basically tells me to move out, which is fine by me I have no reason at all to stay here, but today she's changed her mind on that too. I don't know. Everything just really sucks right now.
I'm supposed to meet Katie tomorrow, it's the first day that I'll have been out with friends. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I've talked to P on the phone twice since this occurred, she's stressed with her own life and studying for the BAR so I didn't really say much, I was just being supportive of her mostly. Hopefully tomorrow will be okay, it's like I don't want to talk about this, but it's making me nuts to keep it all bottled up, which is why I decided to write this, it's easier than talking to a human, but probably equally therapeutic. I just feel defeated by life, it's just like everytime you get back up you get knocked down again and I'm really tired of getting back up.
I really hope that everyone else is having a much better summer and that life won't always be this hard.