I kinda forgot
I got an 85 on the exam. I missed three problems and scored within the top ten percent. Its sad that I was spitting gum out of my mouth onto my desk ten years ago when I was being asked to learn the same material. "BLEYGHEA!" I didn't fucking care.
Yesterday I was doing homework and thought to myself.
Why am I doing this,
"What the fuck is the point? This sucks, I don't like where I am and find myself constantly bored."
At that point I stopped doing my homework and started playing a video game.
Today as I sat in class and looked onward at my professor while I tried to make sense of what is going to be on the exam Wednesday I remembered. I dont like it here. I don't enjoy where I am and its the past that brought me to this very point. It is by no means a revelation, just a consistent lesson that is never really learned until you manage to accomplish long term pursuits. I'm no genius and I suck at some things. In fact I suck at just about everything except the things I try to do. Today is no different than the day before and is likely to be no more profound than tomorrow. The reason I try hard today is so I can get to Davis. Each score in school will bring me closer or take me further away from my goal of being a recognized guru of esoteric knowledge that makes a decent buck at it and gets to bathe in beauty from time to time.
My father once said, "Now your starting to think like an adult, it will be a while before you start talking like one." This journal is anything but me talking like an adult. Adults dont have time to chew on stuff like this. I feel lucky and sad at the same time.
Peter Havey said, "Now dont go back down there and do a half assed job and fuck it all up." Thats precisely what I did. I think about him and Michael Dayah daily. Boo Fucking Hoo.
I am assuredly the same guy, just the same guy that had to figure it out on my own and accomplish my own pursuits. Not what everyone told me were my pursuits... I just had a metaphorical vomit session. I'm trying not to get hung up on it all. Time to study.
Yesterday I was doing homework and thought to myself.
Why am I doing this,
"What the fuck is the point? This sucks, I don't like where I am and find myself constantly bored."
At that point I stopped doing my homework and started playing a video game.
Today as I sat in class and looked onward at my professor while I tried to make sense of what is going to be on the exam Wednesday I remembered. I dont like it here. I don't enjoy where I am and its the past that brought me to this very point. It is by no means a revelation, just a consistent lesson that is never really learned until you manage to accomplish long term pursuits. I'm no genius and I suck at some things. In fact I suck at just about everything except the things I try to do. Today is no different than the day before and is likely to be no more profound than tomorrow. The reason I try hard today is so I can get to Davis. Each score in school will bring me closer or take me further away from my goal of being a recognized guru of esoteric knowledge that makes a decent buck at it and gets to bathe in beauty from time to time.
My father once said, "Now your starting to think like an adult, it will be a while before you start talking like one." This journal is anything but me talking like an adult. Adults dont have time to chew on stuff like this. I feel lucky and sad at the same time.
Peter Havey said, "Now dont go back down there and do a half assed job and fuck it all up." Thats precisely what I did. I think about him and Michael Dayah daily. Boo Fucking Hoo.
I am assuredly the same guy, just the same guy that had to figure it out on my own and accomplish my own pursuits. Not what everyone told me were my pursuits... I just had a metaphorical vomit session. I'm trying not to get hung up on it all. Time to study.