Alright..
This live journal is a lost cause now adays.
I don't use it much. The friends I had on it for the most part turned out not to be worth my time. Yeah. I'm talkin' about you.
So, this should be my last entry. I'm glad it's here though, to look back on the past years. Some good memories, some bad.
I guess to end everything, I'm finally back into a relationship with a girl I'm in love with. I guess now aday's it's easy for me to say. I'll tell you all the truth though. As much as I like it, I'm still terrified of it. Every other day I have this strange feeling that it will all end very soon, and the only thing to come out of it is an even stronger disgust for relationships, and the joke that I had thought them to be. Something just doesn't seem right, yet I can't put my finger on it. She does everything right for the most part. I try my best to do the same..
Maybe it's that I don't feel the intimacy that I thought I would. Sometimes I feel like she's keeping me a distant second to something else I don't know about.
Maybe waiting so long made me hype a relationship up in my head. I just don't feel her opening up to me. I have this deep and subtle feeling that she's always questioning whether she's happy with me, or if she wishes she could just go back to having fun with me and others, and dating again.
Maybe my past and insecurites give me the illusion of her actually still dating, and omitting those facts. I trust her as much as I could trust anybody, but how much exactly is that.
Maybe it's the fact that she isn't a very open person, and my fears twist that into paranoia. Not the freakishly insane or scary kind, but the expect the worst kind, because in my case, the worst is what usually happens.
Just got off the phone with her... Damn, she's sweet.
Maybe she's the type of girl who sometimes loses her sense of confrontation, and lets things build up, until it's too late.
Maybe I'm afraid that it's so easy for people to just not tell somebody something, because they'll think it's not that important, or that it'll hurt the person too much, or that they just don't think it's possible to tell the person something wrong that they've done, because they think it'll ruin everything. Everywhere I turn I see people making the decision not to be honest because of reasons like that. I think that's what scares me the most... It's too damn easy to lie. To ommit.
I guess when it comes down to all of these maybes, maybe it means I just need to trust her, and get to know her better than I do.
Also, when it comes down to it, all of those maybes are worth how I feel about her.
All I want is honesty. Respect me enough to give me that, and I don't see myself leaving.
Well, that about wraps it up for this guy and this Live Journal.
Peace out people.
- Ian
I don't use it much. The friends I had on it for the most part turned out not to be worth my time. Yeah. I'm talkin' about you.
So, this should be my last entry. I'm glad it's here though, to look back on the past years. Some good memories, some bad.
I guess to end everything, I'm finally back into a relationship with a girl I'm in love with. I guess now aday's it's easy for me to say. I'll tell you all the truth though. As much as I like it, I'm still terrified of it. Every other day I have this strange feeling that it will all end very soon, and the only thing to come out of it is an even stronger disgust for relationships, and the joke that I had thought them to be. Something just doesn't seem right, yet I can't put my finger on it. She does everything right for the most part. I try my best to do the same..
Maybe it's that I don't feel the intimacy that I thought I would. Sometimes I feel like she's keeping me a distant second to something else I don't know about.
Maybe waiting so long made me hype a relationship up in my head. I just don't feel her opening up to me. I have this deep and subtle feeling that she's always questioning whether she's happy with me, or if she wishes she could just go back to having fun with me and others, and dating again.
Maybe my past and insecurites give me the illusion of her actually still dating, and omitting those facts. I trust her as much as I could trust anybody, but how much exactly is that.
Maybe it's the fact that she isn't a very open person, and my fears twist that into paranoia. Not the freakishly insane or scary kind, but the expect the worst kind, because in my case, the worst is what usually happens.
Just got off the phone with her... Damn, she's sweet.
Maybe she's the type of girl who sometimes loses her sense of confrontation, and lets things build up, until it's too late.
Maybe I'm afraid that it's so easy for people to just not tell somebody something, because they'll think it's not that important, or that it'll hurt the person too much, or that they just don't think it's possible to tell the person something wrong that they've done, because they think it'll ruin everything. Everywhere I turn I see people making the decision not to be honest because of reasons like that. I think that's what scares me the most... It's too damn easy to lie. To ommit.
I guess when it comes down to all of these maybes, maybe it means I just need to trust her, and get to know her better than I do.
Also, when it comes down to it, all of those maybes are worth how I feel about her.
All I want is honesty. Respect me enough to give me that, and I don't see myself leaving.
Well, that about wraps it up for this guy and this Live Journal.
Peace out people.
- Ian