(no subject)
So yeah, today I see the same friend in the store who I thought didn't recognize me. She remembers me all right. The strange part is I'm not sure I wanted her to. Compared to the rest of my old high school friends, I haven't accomplished a whole lot (read: next to nothing). Plus, there are some things I'm more aware of now about myself, which only serves to make me self conscious around older friends who may very well have known a completely different me.
Still...I had the option of avoiding her and chose not to. I mean...I couldn't. And while it shamed me to have to admit to the lack of accomplishments with forced smile, I would have felt far worse not saying anything to her at all.
To further add to the 'fun' mood, it's also Valentine's Day. And while I could be like others and rant about how stupid it is, or how lonely I am, instead all I can feel is sad. Sad for me, and sad for Lander. I suppose I'm entitled to feel that selfish sadness... Pales in comparison to what he must be suffering... He hasn't had what I'd consider the best of luck in matters of the heart.
I'm not going to let it get me down though, and I know neither will he. He's strong like that. Admirably so. It is a strength rooted in logic as much as faith and willpower. It has certainly been an inspiration to me more times than one.
Honestly, that's why it hurt me so deeply when I first lost him. He was so strong for us, for me, that I forgot how to be strong for myself. Nor did I truly want to be. The sad thing is it was that very strength he loved in me... That's why I'm grateful now he did leave. I doubt I'd like the person I would have become if he had not shown strength where I had countlessly failed to do so. I mean that... Few things could possibly be harder than having to leave the one you love because she has become so absorbed in the feeling itself that she no longer even cares about you or your needs.
I still debate it even now...whether I truly do love him. But regardless of whether or not I understand the feelings that first brought us together, there is no denying the bond forged between us. In the end, I have seen it strengthen my resolve and guide my steps, somehow always placing me back on the right path. And I have watched as every attempt made to break it has only made it stronger. I used to fear that bond, fearing to be bound and so revealed to a person I have yet to feel the warmth of against my skin... Now I find comfort in it.
I suppose I have made this entry a little more personal than most would like... Oh well...
Have a Happy Valentine's Day. Or come mope with me if you want. I hear miserly loves company.
Still...I had the option of avoiding her and chose not to. I mean...I couldn't. And while it shamed me to have to admit to the lack of accomplishments with forced smile, I would have felt far worse not saying anything to her at all.
To further add to the 'fun' mood, it's also Valentine's Day. And while I could be like others and rant about how stupid it is, or how lonely I am, instead all I can feel is sad. Sad for me, and sad for Lander. I suppose I'm entitled to feel that selfish sadness... Pales in comparison to what he must be suffering... He hasn't had what I'd consider the best of luck in matters of the heart.
I'm not going to let it get me down though, and I know neither will he. He's strong like that. Admirably so. It is a strength rooted in logic as much as faith and willpower. It has certainly been an inspiration to me more times than one.
Honestly, that's why it hurt me so deeply when I first lost him. He was so strong for us, for me, that I forgot how to be strong for myself. Nor did I truly want to be. The sad thing is it was that very strength he loved in me... That's why I'm grateful now he did leave. I doubt I'd like the person I would have become if he had not shown strength where I had countlessly failed to do so. I mean that... Few things could possibly be harder than having to leave the one you love because she has become so absorbed in the feeling itself that she no longer even cares about you or your needs.
I still debate it even now...whether I truly do love him. But regardless of whether or not I understand the feelings that first brought us together, there is no denying the bond forged between us. In the end, I have seen it strengthen my resolve and guide my steps, somehow always placing me back on the right path. And I have watched as every attempt made to break it has only made it stronger. I used to fear that bond, fearing to be bound and so revealed to a person I have yet to feel the warmth of against my skin... Now I find comfort in it.
I suppose I have made this entry a little more personal than most would like... Oh well...
Have a Happy Valentine's Day. Or come mope with me if you want. I hear miserly loves company.