Main titled: 'Because you wanted to dance to LOVE SHACK!' subtitled: ladies who hit...
Let me set the scene. Friday night, approaching eleven.. I'm at fuckin' Panini's with a bunch of co-workers, because I like them and unfortuantely they like Panini's. It's only eleven mind you when we ascend the slippery steps to the nearly deserted bar area, but it's still a veritable cascade of Natty Light in cups the size of small buckets, and we've got entertainment. There's a trio of dancing trashed women in short skirts and no discernable panties of any magnitude! One of them had a black eye and a full arm cast, but that didn't stop her from dangling her naked cooter for the world to see. And that's gonna characterize the whole adventure, honestly. It must have been '80s night or something because 'Pop Lock and Drop It' is not generally followed up by The Proclaimers '500 Miles', and 'I'm a Flirt' doesn't really mix well with 'Love Shack' but it worked when you got used to the jolting genre jump and nothing matters by 1 AM anyway.. But to the point of the story, I dressed like a Mormon girly for protection 'cause I am not a frigid drunk, but at the same time I am never sleazy, and as we're about to leave, savoring the last smoke before we zigzag and giggle back to our respective vehicles, this boy approaches. And he's trashed like only a committed collegiate can manage in the span of three hours.
Wasted-To-The-Max Boy - "Hi, my name's Mark. Can I have a hug?"
Drunk Susanne - "Hm? Mkay..."
(commence awkward old-relative type embrace)
(DS turns away, rearranges cardigan over her freezing chest)
(WB lurches forward, deliberately poking Drunk Susanne in the frozen nipple!)
And I chain-reaction popped him in the face like a black Mamma, all backhand, all pimp slap!
DS - "NO! WE DON'T DO THAT! I AM A LADY, I MIGHT BE DRUNK BUT I AM STILL A LADY!"
My co-workers laughed like shit, and the boy grew simply confused. I turned from a cuddly drunk into an authoritarian dog trainer in no time flat. (A guy I was hanging with at the bar says later, "Well I was gonna do something but you really seemed to have it handled by yourself..") And I told Wasted Boy to go home with the same "Imma go tell yo' Momma, an' she goin' whup you" tone, so he wandered off into the night. It's become a running work joke already. I almost feel sorry, but well... Honestly, you just don't do that... You know, to ladies..
Wasted-To-The-Max Boy - "Hi, my name's Mark. Can I have a hug?"
Drunk Susanne - "Hm? Mkay..."
(commence awkward old-relative type embrace)
(DS turns away, rearranges cardigan over her freezing chest)
(WB lurches forward, deliberately poking Drunk Susanne in the frozen nipple!)
And I chain-reaction popped him in the face like a black Mamma, all backhand, all pimp slap!
DS - "NO! WE DON'T DO THAT! I AM A LADY, I MIGHT BE DRUNK BUT I AM STILL A LADY!"
My co-workers laughed like shit, and the boy grew simply confused. I turned from a cuddly drunk into an authoritarian dog trainer in no time flat. (A guy I was hanging with at the bar says later, "Well I was gonna do something but you really seemed to have it handled by yourself..") And I told Wasted Boy to go home with the same "Imma go tell yo' Momma, an' she goin' whup you" tone, so he wandered off into the night. It's become a running work joke already. I almost feel sorry, but well... Honestly, you just don't do that... You know, to ladies..