(no subject)
We spent most of the night swapping ghost stories and its got me pretty spooked, but I think I’ll be okay, I’m always okay. Overall it has been a rather pleasant day, full of sushi, Risa’s cooking (see I do eat food Risa gives me), and talking, lots of talking. Oh we watched some videos too, the Pink Panther starring Jean Reno and Steve Martin, and also some crazy Japanese variety show clips on youtube; those fucking crazy Japanese people, why can’t American television be that crazy. I don’t know about all you people but don’t you think you’ve heard enough about you know, oh that asshole won’t take care of my five sons but I can’t tell which one of these eighteen men the father is and I’m only sixteen. Outrageous has become trite and almost normal/expected. Maybe I should have five kids, at once. I had a real conversation with Risa’s mom for the first time ever, she is actually quite a pleasant and outgoing lady, I really wish I knew more people, more families, had more close friends. I know how everyone says they feel like their life started over with college, but I really do feel like my life started over with college. The connections I have, the deeper ones, I mean what are they? I know Risa decently well and she is about the only person I feel at least a little close to right now and even then its not like I’m her best friend. It’s okay though, I only go crazy because I need reassurance that my friendships are real, that they have value, that people care, I know I know I’m just a stupid teenager who needs attention. I talked to Risa alone for the first time in mm I can’t remember the last time I talked to her alone. Man we all did a lot of talking today. Ben really loves his serious talks, he likes to learn and I like to learn about people too, just what everyone thinks because I’m always on a search for information so I may understand myself better, to do that I have to understand the world better, then where I stand. I need to know what is normal, what people think is right or wrong, what is okay, how everyone else feels, if its okay for me to feel a certain way. I guess it’s a pretty selfish way to go about life, but I do care what other people think just to know more about them, I just want to know people better and get close to people so I can have some close friends. Andre came pretty late in the evening today, scared me shitless because Risa screamed when he showed up. Andre crept up to the window and slapped his hand against the glass, Risa was thoroughly freaked out and I was too as a result. What is open minded? I don’t know but I do know that open minded people are at least okay with incest outside of the whole genetic defect thing. I feel a lot better about my current status with Risa after that talk we just had, she likes talking, I miss talking. It wasn’t actually the whole conversation that made me feel better, it was just a certain something she said, made me feel like I wasn’t nothing. It’s been hard to not feel like all my current relationships are meaningless, when everyone invests so little and cares truly cares so little, loves so little, misses so little. Guys rarely miss each other I find, they just notice absence, they don’t miss. Why does it feel so nice to be missed? Why is it so nice to be important? To be close? To be… yeah. We talked about death for a little bit, actually death for a lot, the whole ghost thing kinda carried through the night and I told her what I’d do if I were a ghost. After that night that I got drunk and she slept over, I’ve felt kinda ashamed, disgusted, I felt so vile and so despicable, I feel a little better after talking to her and seeing she doesn’t hate me, doesn’t hold grudges, and really doesn’t know what was going through my head at the time but it doesn’t matter, as long as I let go. Gen says I don’t know how to forgive myself, its only because I don’t know how to forget. Is forgetting part of the package for forgiveness? You lose life when you forget, history is lost, life is lost when a memory is lost so is forgiveness self destructive?
Talking really made me happy, and Risa didn’t look like she was too happy cuz we were keeping her up talking about scary things so I rubbed her back, its nice to see that people aren’t scared of me too. I also got a nice hug, felt like I haven’t hugged anything but my pillows for eons. Sure I feel extremely alone right now, but at least I know there is someone here even if I have a lot of trouble going to talk to them. I really needed a reminder of the fact that I still had a close friend. I was wondering if Risa was really my friend for a while or just an old acquaintance, seeing that the best friend position had already been filled by Ben and boyfriend by Samar, what positions of value are left? I think there is a lot about me that Risa is dissatisfied with or uncomfortable with, things I either will never hear or remember, which saddens me. I hope I can improve myself for her sake and mine. I also hope I can trust people again. Andre asked me if I wanted sex today, and I guess I really wanted to say no but I felt obligated to say yes because I was a guy who was physically sexually frustrated, but only in need of an emotional companion and definitely not a fuck buddy. It’s okay if I’m not Risa’s best friend, it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to care. I read in that self help book a few guiding questions for the introduction, a few questions that interested me. If you were told that you had ten minutes left to live, what would you do? Race to work and curse out your boss? Have eat something tasty? Be with someone you love? Chances are you’ve done at least some of these things you’d do before you die already, today. I read that line and I realized to myself I have done nothing I would do the day I die, and there were one thing I was sure that I would spend my last few seconds doing and that’s spend time with someone I love, or call them, but I really couldn’t think of who to call. I’m more scared to think that I’d call who I would, thinking it might be wrong, immoral, stupid, like I’m not reading my feelings properly because my family has been telling me these kinds of friendships can never get too far, that they remain formal and distant and anything closer is wrong. I don’t know what the think a lot of the time but listening to my family really makes me a very lonely person. I hope one day I will be done feeling sad and have someone I can talk like this everyday with, someone to call at three in the morning, someone to share with and someone whose hair I can stroke while they sleep, someone who wouldn’t think I’m creepy for any of it. I just want to be sappy, I guess that’s one thing I’d like a lot, the second thing I’d want most from a relationship, the right to be sappy. Before that, is the ability to talk, and I guess I can get that from friends, I just need to find someone, then get comfortable enough to, get close enough to be comfortable, get important enough to be close, sacrifice enough to be important, sacrifice by caring. It’s never wrong to care is it?
It’s late and apparently mom says this will be the last sleepover I will have for the rest of my life, I will cherish this memory, the long talks today with Andre and Ben, Ben and Risa, just Risa, I won’t forget them. It really hit me how important she was today. I really hope I can convince mom to let me do this again though, I haven’t been this undepressed for a while, minimal amounts of lip biting and twitching, finger pinching and fists.
Talking really made me happy, and Risa didn’t look like she was too happy cuz we were keeping her up talking about scary things so I rubbed her back, its nice to see that people aren’t scared of me too. I also got a nice hug, felt like I haven’t hugged anything but my pillows for eons. Sure I feel extremely alone right now, but at least I know there is someone here even if I have a lot of trouble going to talk to them. I really needed a reminder of the fact that I still had a close friend. I was wondering if Risa was really my friend for a while or just an old acquaintance, seeing that the best friend position had already been filled by Ben and boyfriend by Samar, what positions of value are left? I think there is a lot about me that Risa is dissatisfied with or uncomfortable with, things I either will never hear or remember, which saddens me. I hope I can improve myself for her sake and mine. I also hope I can trust people again. Andre asked me if I wanted sex today, and I guess I really wanted to say no but I felt obligated to say yes because I was a guy who was physically sexually frustrated, but only in need of an emotional companion and definitely not a fuck buddy. It’s okay if I’m not Risa’s best friend, it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to care. I read in that self help book a few guiding questions for the introduction, a few questions that interested me. If you were told that you had ten minutes left to live, what would you do? Race to work and curse out your boss? Have eat something tasty? Be with someone you love? Chances are you’ve done at least some of these things you’d do before you die already, today. I read that line and I realized to myself I have done nothing I would do the day I die, and there were one thing I was sure that I would spend my last few seconds doing and that’s spend time with someone I love, or call them, but I really couldn’t think of who to call. I’m more scared to think that I’d call who I would, thinking it might be wrong, immoral, stupid, like I’m not reading my feelings properly because my family has been telling me these kinds of friendships can never get too far, that they remain formal and distant and anything closer is wrong. I don’t know what the think a lot of the time but listening to my family really makes me a very lonely person. I hope one day I will be done feeling sad and have someone I can talk like this everyday with, someone to call at three in the morning, someone to share with and someone whose hair I can stroke while they sleep, someone who wouldn’t think I’m creepy for any of it. I just want to be sappy, I guess that’s one thing I’d like a lot, the second thing I’d want most from a relationship, the right to be sappy. Before that, is the ability to talk, and I guess I can get that from friends, I just need to find someone, then get comfortable enough to, get close enough to be comfortable, get important enough to be close, sacrifice enough to be important, sacrifice by caring. It’s never wrong to care is it?
It’s late and apparently mom says this will be the last sleepover I will have for the rest of my life, I will cherish this memory, the long talks today with Andre and Ben, Ben and Risa, just Risa, I won’t forget them. It really hit me how important she was today. I really hope I can convince mom to let me do this again though, I haven’t been this undepressed for a while, minimal amounts of lip biting and twitching, finger pinching and fists.