define dipshit
I’m running out of options for stress relief. Had a few difficulties with Emily yesterday, for some reason I always get astor place and union square confused, which gets me scolded. She seemed pretty nice for the most part and that I was very happy about, she didn’t seem scared to hug me for once and acted like the way she would with anyone else. We sat by the cube listening to the birds chirp next to us while I wondered about their drug abuse. Emmy is leaving for japan two days after school ends, a sad thought and a scary one, why does she always have to be so far away? I’m happy she’s happy though, she’s going to have a lot of fun. I don’t know how its possible for her to keep finding new ways of saying goodbye to me, but she has and she keeps saying it. I don’t know, I’m not expecting that much even though she keeps saying I am, but I don’t expect things to be just like before, I don’t, if I wanted things just like before then I’d be complaining much more often and everything that she does would kill me. I’m feeling fine now but last night I was going a little nuts from the fact that my best friend doesn’t want to see me, that I can’t say goodbye, not even if its for two seconds, that’s all I wanted. This is not expecting things to be the way they were, this is normal, anyone else would be happy to hear that people want to see them off. I stormed off after a little while though I do not know why, it only made me sadder. I walked straight into traffic without realizing and I gave someone the finger that I walked into, he kept honking but starting laughing at me too. I sat across from the dorms for a while laughing and crying under my hat, wondering whether or not it’d be okay for me to walk back. The world and my sobs were both too loud to notice the text message come for me, asking me to come back. She never came for me, no not anymore, guess its not her job to come for me anymore, guess it isn’t anyone’s job to come for me. I went up to see if aaron had anything to cool me down, I was twitching and screaming again, I feel like everytime that happens I vomit a shred of my soul and soon there’ll be nothing left. I needed to chill and not care anymore so I stopped worrying and went out with him. No I won’t do it again why? because people smoke some strong herb these days and I can’t handle it. I can’t do it without Emily there anyway, I’m not comfortable and I get scared, scared and nervous, nervous and asthmatic, asthmatic and paranoid. I threw up after a little while and went to bed, Aaron came back for me and then Risa came with Samar, I had wanted to see Risa. I don’t know, maybe she’s my closest friend now, I don’t feel inhibited when I speak to her, I just don’t get to very often. People were disappointed in me but I don’t really care, does anyone really think this is worse than me going nuts? Anyway, the experience was too unpleasant, my mind was too far behind my brain to think straight and I keep thinking things aren’t happening when they are, I don’t like that I’m not in control. Mr.P fell off his chain last night, I’m still very sad about that. I’m glad I’ve sobered up, and the extreme discomfort during and after the experience has taken my mind off of the current issues at hand, mission accomplished, now I’m hungry. I think everything would be fixed if I had a girlfriend though, no really, maybe Emily would stop imagining she’s getting smothered, I wouldn’t be so lonely, and both of these things together would mean I’d stop bugging out. I’ve also never seen anyone act like myself when they got angry, this is a completely different kind of angry, normally when I’m pissed its like lightning bolts flying out of my face, but now its like I’ve got a mini war going on inside my body, occasionally rolling into my arms and neck. I can’t remember when was the last time I woke up this early, but I think I might go back to bed after I’m done with this. Does this count as an argument? Emily is imposing a -lets not talk to each other anymore if we argue another time - policy, but hey, it wasn’t me this time. Would you ever turn anyone else’s company down for reasons like that? Because its them? Just because it was them that you wouldn’t want to see them? Everyones gotta stop with this shit. I stormed off yesterday and now I feel bad, why? because it was immature and selfish, instead of swallowing the situation and moving on with my life, I was indignant and depressed, and now Emily has yet another reason to stop talking to me. Why do I try so hard with someone trying so hard to run away? I guess I don’t really have anywhere else to go. Life right now is kinda like musical chairs in gradeschool, I think I’m sharing seats with someone for now, just waiting until they’re comfortable enough to tell me to leave. These seats are made for a maximum of two people. I don’t know why my company is so unwelcomed, how much space does one need? I haven’t even starting thinking about how differently she’s treating me from other people but im not going to start feeling upset just yet, I’m feeling alright for now. Jeff was really upset when I woke up, he says I’ve been acting like a dipshit all week, people are so insensitive. He never used that word before I brought it up. I have not been acting like a dipshit for your information, you readers out there, all two of you, Emily, aaron, well maybe marilla but she doesn’t check back that often, oh oh and Amy, forgot about her. Why do I have to defend myself every time I’m upset? I’m not allowed to be angry about anything? Sad? Am I not allowed to feel emotion? This makes me a dipshit, that I want some privacy so everyone doesn’t see me crying. Classical music is drowning out my screams, I’m being considerate, I don’t want to disturb the peace. Dipshit, fuck you. We almost finished our last chem. Lab yesterday, but I was in a bit of a rush to get to Emily so we left our last GC test for next week. Bens such a fucking brown nose I can’t stand it, or no I can I just can’t stand the fact that he keeps dragging me into lab on Wednesdays, its been two weeks since I’ve been to Calc. *Sigh* mechanics exam next week, I’m so fucked. At least I have extra time to study for the P Chem. Everyones in couples at the dorm right now, well not everyone but a large number considering only 3 people live here and now there are two couples. I see Samar hogs the blankets. The smell of vomits cleared out of the room now and I’m left feeling contemplative and annoyed at Emily’s extreme intractability. Nobody is going to tell me what is best for me. People are so unvirtuous these days. Why would anyone say it was okay to storm off and be angry? Friends are supposed to be permanent, anyone who would intentionally throw away a friend is stupid. I thought walking away would have opened her eyes a bit, to the fact that I’m not being so horrible, that I’m being clingy, I just wanted to talk and maybe say bye for her big trip. I guess nothing works according to plan, especially not in my life. I wonder if palm readings are accurate, it says that for half of my life my love life is going to be fucked to shit, that’s about all I can read from my left hand, mom won’t tell me what my right one says. This place is a mess, I haven’t cleaned since my breakdown on Monday. Feels like there isn’t anyone left on the planet that cares besides Samar and Risa, but they’re pretty busy with each other. I’ve been noticing that people disappear when they get into relationships and I asking myself where one draws the line between friends and lovers. Emotional infidelity? What a strange concept but in some way I understand. I don’t think Emily has reached a point in her life where love is an unselfish word, so maybe it isn’t possible for her to love more than one person and stay faithful in her relationship. That girl needs to grow up, you can act young but don’t be a douche bag as a result, be a mature adult with a strong inner child. I’ve always said that friends and lovers bear the same burdens, burden is a bad word, responsibility is better, they have the same responsibilities in terms of ensuring the safety of the friend/lover, making sure they stay out of harms way and are as happy as they can be. My definition of a friend is an extremely close one, and I guess the role of a lover is someone who gets to physically experience the other person while at the same time having full uninhibited access to their emotional banks, free for deep and temporary attachment. Friendships take time to develop and are wasteful to throw away, relationships come quick and go quick, they might not be as wasteful but are far more painful to lose. Am I overstepping my boundaries as a friend? I don’t think so, I’m just a very devoted friend. Emily’s mom never understood our friendship, how someone can spend so much time with someone and think nothing of it. My family was never like that, with maybe my mom as an exception. Mom liked networking because that’s how she survives, she has almost no education and lives off of her connections, that’s how its done in China. The rest of my family has their few friends that stick close. Gary always had Jason and Eric, no matter how often they fought, no matter how stupid they all acted towards each other and no matter how much other shit changes, they will be friends, highschool friends that never grow and never change when they’re with each other. Uncle has his work friends and that’s become the only friends he’s got, but they’re devoted and are always available when he needs a favor, why? because uncle is a very generous man, everyone’s debt to him can never be repayed. Dad is more secluded, he’ll never learn to talk but he does have friends. I think he doesn’t want to leave his old job because of the friends he’s made, I would be sad too, even if the job was as hard as he says it is. Dad doesn’t have many friends, he just has the people at work and the hot waitresses that hit on him cuz they know he’s married, but he treasures these people, quietly from home he misses them, always creating a very confused face and a confused heart as he walks out the door wondering if he should worry about the coming work day or look forward to seeing his work friends. Life has always been hard on my dad, he doesn’t know how to take advantage of what he has and he doesn’t really have a stance on the whole friend issue, different from both my mother and my uncle, his brother. I guess with Chinese families, the friend issue overlaps with family, close friends are like family, Emily is family to me too and family always comes first. When your world falls apart and everyones turned their back on you, there will always be family there to support you because they will never ask questions, they’re only there to be your guiding light and that light will never leave you. I still am not sure what I’m losing anymore, if anything is to be lost, I’m still sad though, but I’m just sad about nothing. I don’t know why Emily has to argue with me so much, I’m not asking for anything, why does she keep saying I’m asking for things to be the way they used to be? Its really starting to get on my nerves, you think too much of yourself Em. She never used to have enough confidence, and she’s got a lot more now that she’s gone to college and got herself a boyfriend, don’t know how that relationship boosts her confidence but it does, but she’s really directing it all to the wrong places. My confidence is to shit but I at least can order food and yell at someone for not doing their job, Em can’t do that but she can sure as hell chastise me for absolutely nothing. I kinda miss getting yelled at actually, I forgot how often we used to argue and how quick we were to forgive each other, it was just like today, Richard you sir are an idiot, I’m sorry I yelled at you, its okay lets get some ice cream, I think I’ll have a salad. Very sad that life has to move on but I never said that different meant I have to say goodbye for real. Things are different now I know but I am never going to leave her, how close I stay is another issue, how close she’ll let me stay that is, but no no I will never ever leave her because family is permanent, family will never turn their back on you. I don’t know if Emily wants to be part of my family anymore, but she can never leave, its not possible. I think mom and dad really like her, gary eh, he hates everyone. I think its funny when my parents understand anything, when they look at a very distraught Richard and turn away instead of yelling at me, when they hear oh you’re hanging out with her, alright have fun. They’re a little freaked out because they’ve never seen me sad before, I guess if I were in their position I’d be worried too, but I’d also ask more questions as a parent. They don’t understand whats happening right now really because they were their firsts, they had never had other relationships prior to their marriage so they will never get whats happening, they can just ballpark it from what people tell them its supposed to be like. I also will never understand their situation, coming from such an impoverished community, having to say goodbye to all of your friends and family, and I mean all of them, for the sake of survival and the propagation of your genes. That’s something I’ve never been able to handle, saying goodbye, I’ve never moved before and I’ve never needed to actually say goodbye, I just grew apart from people. The birds, I can hear them from all the way up here. It’s spring. Em wants to be appreciated solely as a friend, sure I'm fine with that, as long as she knows what the fuck that means. I've been admiring Risa more and more lately for being able to keep me and Ben close to her while still dating Samar and spending practically all her free time with him. I know ben doesnt feel satisfied with the time she's giving him, why? because they're really close and she's being too busy, her time isn't distributed evenly and Ben isn't getting the time he truly deserves, but he'll understand soon that he never will, why? not because he's asking for too much, but he's asking for more than anyone would ever give him and she will never give him enough, she will never give him what he deserves so he's just going to have to get used to getting ripped. Even then, Risa considers Ben a very close friend, he's a loving guy, he went to take care of Risa when she was sick, i didnt do that, i had work to do sadly. But yeah, Bens an ex yet she's able to make things work with him, i think they only work because he was such a good friend before and after their relationship. I feel like he hurts a lot though, that seeing her hurts him, but thats another reason why I admire him, i admire them both, they're both very mature people and I wish i could work things out as well as they did.