CHUCK NORRIS!
I stole this from Merissa, omg it's so funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHUCK NORRIS!
Top Thirty Facts About CHUCK NORRIS
1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
2.Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know
this beverage as Red Bull.
4.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5.A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not
respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
6.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.
7.Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
8.The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than
meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas
Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
divided.
9.Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious
gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.
Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
10.Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped
collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's
Chuck Norris.
11.Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
12.Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if
a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE
OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat
in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a
hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
13.Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
14.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to
beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and
aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30
minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
15.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who
appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
16.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
17.Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a
small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form
of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck
Norris never gets
ill.
18.When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't
worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later
with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was
fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done
it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
19.Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're
thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you
are dead wrong.
20.Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
21.Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire
in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
22.Chuck Norris frequently signs up for
beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little
kids.
23.Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker:
Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex
with Conan's wife.
24.At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove
he isn't a racist.
25.Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has
the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
26.Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought
one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give
you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
27.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
28.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names
for his left and right legs.
29.You remember when you were playing the game Oregon Trail and you came accross the
Snake River that was 2 foot deep, you decide to cross it and you lose 3 wagon
wheels, one child and your wife was diagnosed with Parvo and they blamed it on Wagon
Robbing Indians? Yeah that was Chuck Norris, he fucking robbed you, drowned your
child with numchucks and gave your wife herpes. Chuck Norris Owns you.
30.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you
may be only seconds away from death.
In other news, Goblet of Fire rocked all of my socks, metaphoric and real. It just rocked, go see it now.
In other other news, I am going to see Cold-freakin'-play in Toronto!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other other OTHER news, I got my midterm reportcard friday, I have a 89.3% average rigth now (93 in world issues, 89 in english and 86 in spanish)
That is all.
CHUCK NORRIS!
Top Thirty Facts About CHUCK NORRIS
1.Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
2.Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3.Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know
this beverage as Red Bull.
4.Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5.A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not
respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
6.When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.
7.Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
8.The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than
meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas
Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a
pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
divided.
9.Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious
gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible.
Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
10.Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped
collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's
Chuck Norris.
11.Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
12.Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if
a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE
OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat
in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a
hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
13.Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
14.To prove it isn't that big of a deal to
beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and
aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30
minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
15.Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized,
Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who
appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
16.Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
17.Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a
small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form
of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck
Norris never gets
ill.
18.When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't
worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later
with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was
fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done
it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
19.Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're
thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you
are dead wrong.
20.Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
21.Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire
in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
22.Chuck Norris frequently signs up for
beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little
kids.
23.Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker:
Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex
with Conan's wife.
24.At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove
he isn't a racist.
25.Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has
the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
26.Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought
one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give
you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
27.The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
28.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names
for his left and right legs.
29.You remember when you were playing the game Oregon Trail and you came accross the
Snake River that was 2 foot deep, you decide to cross it and you lose 3 wagon
wheels, one child and your wife was diagnosed with Parvo and they blamed it on Wagon
Robbing Indians? Yeah that was Chuck Norris, he fucking robbed you, drowned your
child with numchucks and gave your wife herpes. Chuck Norris Owns you.
30.If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you
may be only seconds away from death.
In other news, Goblet of Fire rocked all of my socks, metaphoric and real. It just rocked, go see it now.
In other other news, I am going to see Cold-freakin'-play in Toronto!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other other OTHER news, I got my midterm reportcard friday, I have a 89.3% average rigth now (93 in world issues, 89 in english and 86 in spanish)
That is all.