Diatribe
So I just got off the phone to my x girlfreind. Strange.
This conversation has not left me feeling lost of empty, odd. I actually feel numb. Unaware of what emotions to feel.
What has become apparent though is that she finally has her life back together, if she ever did or didnt at least she has now. For this I am extremely happy, yet a little sad as I did not posses the ability to assist her in this reconstruction.
The perilous relationship we endured, the typical love and hate of an over empassionate head strong couple was both amazingly good and bad.
Everytime we speek the conversation of ill treatment either way seems to be bantered. Though this time just mentioned casually. I have no sense of contempt for the way I was treated, a hurdle that has scarred badly. Though still I am unable to confess my wrong doings she is completly unaware of. Shithouse!
Since we have become close friends. Not the close that are BFF's or come in contact with very often, but those who are extremely close when we have the oppertunity. The kind that can see straight through a lie, a covering up, can extinguish a laugh or elation with a single quip. Can bring the other up from the dregs of the ocean floor with the touch of the thigh. Can sleep in the same bed, cuddle and have extreme physical desires, yet surpress them for the love of the other. Can walk freely naked around each other without concern of ridicule. This is special.
The most amazing aspect of our friendship, a qaulity that has been so rediculously aparent since our first nights spent alone in bed together, or days, weeks...is conversation. The ability to talk openly and broach any subject, negative or positive and have a straight consideratly natural responce. Apart from the sex, this is what i miss most. which is a lot.
My heart still flutters when the phone rings and the last digits 421, surprise not only at the fact that number is calling but also how easy the recollection of those digits is.
The lone regret that I have is Craig, the new boyfriend. I regret its not me who has this wonderful woman to love, now in the best shape. This regret is apparent, but perhaps just in a dream ideological state. More so is the jealosy he posses. This jealosy i more than empathise with but it does pang me in the most selfish regions of my soul that he posses such a enormous amount of resentment to our relationship, that friendship we both miss so.
Isnt it funny that she called on HER birthday. Strange that she still remembers my phone numbers, that she still thinks of me in intimate ways. Continues to date people she is not actually attracted to.
The question that disturbs me most is whether to confront him. I really do wish for the friendship to recindle. Though I of all people understand my influence on the poor girl. I know this sounds rather trite 'poor girl' but it must be understood that i am also 'the poor boy' as the influence on one another can be so profound, even in subtle ways to be detramental to the other. This influence I understand can be pivoted to any direction as to take any direction. This concern I am more than empathetic toward. The jelousy as stated by him in relation to our bond is also understandable. As much as we always say the physical would be like molesting a sibling in all honesty the emotional is just as much if not more a relationship. I pose the question that if one's bond is purely emotional, a freindship, unity of souls in a metaphysical environment is it cheating? If a bond is so strong as to eclipse the physical is this considered unfaithful? And what if we became so close again the unthinkable molesting of said sibling occurs? How guilty would we be then?
I believe its true her one famous quote "You only like Fitzgerald because you think im a patient and you want to be my doctor"
alas i ponder whether it is time to finally attempt to move on. forgo the hope that it may once again happen. to feel nostalgic in a positive sense, rather than negative, yet as distanced as possible. I am glad i finally had a rant about it. I have not had an outlet for this repressed turmoil and it feels a little better.
This conversation has not left me feeling lost of empty, odd. I actually feel numb. Unaware of what emotions to feel.
What has become apparent though is that she finally has her life back together, if she ever did or didnt at least she has now. For this I am extremely happy, yet a little sad as I did not posses the ability to assist her in this reconstruction.
The perilous relationship we endured, the typical love and hate of an over empassionate head strong couple was both amazingly good and bad.
Everytime we speek the conversation of ill treatment either way seems to be bantered. Though this time just mentioned casually. I have no sense of contempt for the way I was treated, a hurdle that has scarred badly. Though still I am unable to confess my wrong doings she is completly unaware of. Shithouse!
Since we have become close friends. Not the close that are BFF's or come in contact with very often, but those who are extremely close when we have the oppertunity. The kind that can see straight through a lie, a covering up, can extinguish a laugh or elation with a single quip. Can bring the other up from the dregs of the ocean floor with the touch of the thigh. Can sleep in the same bed, cuddle and have extreme physical desires, yet surpress them for the love of the other. Can walk freely naked around each other without concern of ridicule. This is special.
The most amazing aspect of our friendship, a qaulity that has been so rediculously aparent since our first nights spent alone in bed together, or days, weeks...is conversation. The ability to talk openly and broach any subject, negative or positive and have a straight consideratly natural responce. Apart from the sex, this is what i miss most. which is a lot.
My heart still flutters when the phone rings and the last digits 421, surprise not only at the fact that number is calling but also how easy the recollection of those digits is.
The lone regret that I have is Craig, the new boyfriend. I regret its not me who has this wonderful woman to love, now in the best shape. This regret is apparent, but perhaps just in a dream ideological state. More so is the jealosy he posses. This jealosy i more than empathise with but it does pang me in the most selfish regions of my soul that he posses such a enormous amount of resentment to our relationship, that friendship we both miss so.
Isnt it funny that she called on HER birthday. Strange that she still remembers my phone numbers, that she still thinks of me in intimate ways. Continues to date people she is not actually attracted to.
The question that disturbs me most is whether to confront him. I really do wish for the friendship to recindle. Though I of all people understand my influence on the poor girl. I know this sounds rather trite 'poor girl' but it must be understood that i am also 'the poor boy' as the influence on one another can be so profound, even in subtle ways to be detramental to the other. This influence I understand can be pivoted to any direction as to take any direction. This concern I am more than empathetic toward. The jelousy as stated by him in relation to our bond is also understandable. As much as we always say the physical would be like molesting a sibling in all honesty the emotional is just as much if not more a relationship. I pose the question that if one's bond is purely emotional, a freindship, unity of souls in a metaphysical environment is it cheating? If a bond is so strong as to eclipse the physical is this considered unfaithful? And what if we became so close again the unthinkable molesting of said sibling occurs? How guilty would we be then?
I believe its true her one famous quote "You only like Fitzgerald because you think im a patient and you want to be my doctor"
alas i ponder whether it is time to finally attempt to move on. forgo the hope that it may once again happen. to feel nostalgic in a positive sense, rather than negative, yet as distanced as possible. I am glad i finally had a rant about it. I have not had an outlet for this repressed turmoil and it feels a little better.