What Is This LiveJournal Business?
(I'm going to boldly ignore my total absence from live journal for the last semester and a half and write an entry that will likely be followed by still more absence.)
Break could not come at a more critical time. I'm at the end of a rope at the moment (my rope? If it's your rope, let me know so I can give it back). I started the semester sick, which put me behind off the blocks (lame excuses are inexcusable). Since then, I started busting my balls to keep up with my courses, which was fine for a while, but I was less disciplined as I grew steadily more posessed by feelings of doubt and anxiety. "What if I can't make it?" I think. "What if mathematics, the higher, guiding force in my otherwise existentially pointless life, is beyond my reach? What the hell would I do?" I still can't answer that. All I can do is chew my nails until my fingers bleed and throb and wake up too early each morning to drink tea and watch the fog roll through the streets of a gray-blue dawn. Wow, I lost control of that sentence.
I should be finishing my 212 homework right now. It's computationally immense. The (conceptually) hard part is over. I'm worried about that class. I'm not doing as well on the homeworks as I feel safe doing, but I can't seem to forcall my mistakes. There's something primitively terrifying about being confident in your answer then finding out it's wrong. The more nervous I get, the more I can hear people talk about me and how stupid I am. Whispers that are normally indecypherable become hissed ascriptions of stupidity and worthlessness when my fear bends them. I wish I could disappear. It's as if I am invisible when I want to be noticed, but when I want to hide, all eyes turn on me and riddle me with caulderized tunnels of paranoia... lasers.
After-break resolutions:
- Get physics homeworks done earlier.
- Visit Tom every Tuesday, even if I think the problem set is fine
- Finish 331 homework and write it up completely BEFORE Tuesday.
- Sketch solutions to ALL 331 and 212 problems BEFORE Monday.
- Do more of the Hum reading.
- Take up swimming.
- Plan meals and do not snack so much.
- Organize work better and develop a checklist system.
- Take vitamins.
- Get up no later than 7:00 M-W-F, 8:00 T-Th, 9:30 S-Su
- Get up no EARLIER than 5:00 M-W-F, 6:00 T-Th-S-Su
- Take melatonin supplements to maintain above waking schedule.
- ((Other stuff I won't actually do and will then deride myself for not doing.))
Back to homework. Homework will set me free.
Break could not come at a more critical time. I'm at the end of a rope at the moment (my rope? If it's your rope, let me know so I can give it back). I started the semester sick, which put me behind off the blocks (lame excuses are inexcusable). Since then, I started busting my balls to keep up with my courses, which was fine for a while, but I was less disciplined as I grew steadily more posessed by feelings of doubt and anxiety. "What if I can't make it?" I think. "What if mathematics, the higher, guiding force in my otherwise existentially pointless life, is beyond my reach? What the hell would I do?" I still can't answer that. All I can do is chew my nails until my fingers bleed and throb and wake up too early each morning to drink tea and watch the fog roll through the streets of a gray-blue dawn. Wow, I lost control of that sentence.
I should be finishing my 212 homework right now. It's computationally immense. The (conceptually) hard part is over. I'm worried about that class. I'm not doing as well on the homeworks as I feel safe doing, but I can't seem to forcall my mistakes. There's something primitively terrifying about being confident in your answer then finding out it's wrong. The more nervous I get, the more I can hear people talk about me and how stupid I am. Whispers that are normally indecypherable become hissed ascriptions of stupidity and worthlessness when my fear bends them. I wish I could disappear. It's as if I am invisible when I want to be noticed, but when I want to hide, all eyes turn on me and riddle me with caulderized tunnels of paranoia... lasers.
After-break resolutions:
- Get physics homeworks done earlier.
- Visit Tom every Tuesday, even if I think the problem set is fine
- Finish 331 homework and write it up completely BEFORE Tuesday.
- Sketch solutions to ALL 331 and 212 problems BEFORE Monday.
- Do more of the Hum reading.
- Take up swimming.
- Plan meals and do not snack so much.
- Organize work better and develop a checklist system.
- Take vitamins.
- Get up no later than 7:00 M-W-F, 8:00 T-Th, 9:30 S-Su
- Get up no EARLIER than 5:00 M-W-F, 6:00 T-Th-S-Su
- Take melatonin supplements to maintain above waking schedule.
- ((Other stuff I won't actually do and will then deride myself for not doing.))
Back to homework. Homework will set me free.