(no subject)
When i die my neurons will have never made the connection for the texture of saturns surface, so in the end I'm not sure it will even exist in the world.
thursday i was hanging out with some friends and jen micker was there. there is something that comes so honest and natural to her and so I really loved talking to her. Late in the night a neighbor came over and asked Lisa to play beer pong. He told a story of his friend being shot at, and put his arm around her and hugged her a lot. He seemed to recognize the fact that she had a boyfriend because every so often he would say, "Man! Ive got to go home!". Lisa seemed very flirtatious back to this guy.
Wathching them flirt, my first reaction was that these two people flirting exist in the neuron pathways of my brain, and therefore If i focused my conciousness to be the most the most tranquil, toghether state of me, they wouldnt be intereacting in the less than absoulte potential way they were interacting. I felt like they were two details in my brain tempted to make a damaging, short circuiting connection. I began concentrating thourougly on everything that I was doing. I didnt say anything, but it seemed like others, like my friend alan, understood what I was doing. He would say, "yeah, my boy mooney knows," and things like this. It was a very calming, powerful feeling, focusing all of my mental energy on my most central existance. I began looking up to the sky in order to prostrate my body. There was a light directly above me and rain coming down. I had the notion to lift my hands in the air. I began arching my back because I felt the need to connect my feet to my head so that I was one being without a begining or an end. Others stopped playing beer pong and began supporting my back. Vibrations began coming from the bottom of my stomach, up through my chest, through my throat, out of my mouth. I entered into a different sort of conciounsess where I wasnt outside, and I wasnt around a table or other people. Everything that had been outside of me, now only existed in a relative form inside of me. I would hear the voices of whom I can only presume are the people that were around me. Jen Micker's voice became my mothers, comforting me. Issamu's became my brother's and Nates became issamu and a young version of my father. Even now, when I say my mother, and my father, and my brother, I only mean that these voices pointed to a place inside of me that I have come to recognize as my brother's, fathers, mothers, but in fact these places they were calling to felt much more certain than any dynamic person. I felt directly intimate with all these people, like they were in the same peaceful, dark, room as me, offering support through their existance. I had some notion of leaving my body but i wasnt scared by it at all. I could feel straps being put on me, and although they were restricting, they existed somewhere inside of me and so I had no fear.
When I woke up I was in a hospital room with an IV in my left arm. The door to the room was open so I could see medics walking back and forth past me. There were metal things sticking to my chest and a catheter in my urethra. I felt very calm, as though I had woken from a very peaceful dream. It didnt feel bad, or good, but just that it had existed in a very saturating way. I sat up and began taking the metal things and the cathetor out of me. A man came in to disconnect the IV. He was very calm to. He showed me wehre my bathroom was. When I peed, it hurt because of the catheter. I layed back down on my bed and within an hour nate and issamu came to pick me up. They too seemed very calm. We left the hospital with out them knowing my name.
thursday i was hanging out with some friends and jen micker was there. there is something that comes so honest and natural to her and so I really loved talking to her. Late in the night a neighbor came over and asked Lisa to play beer pong. He told a story of his friend being shot at, and put his arm around her and hugged her a lot. He seemed to recognize the fact that she had a boyfriend because every so often he would say, "Man! Ive got to go home!". Lisa seemed very flirtatious back to this guy.
Wathching them flirt, my first reaction was that these two people flirting exist in the neuron pathways of my brain, and therefore If i focused my conciousness to be the most the most tranquil, toghether state of me, they wouldnt be intereacting in the less than absoulte potential way they were interacting. I felt like they were two details in my brain tempted to make a damaging, short circuiting connection. I began concentrating thourougly on everything that I was doing. I didnt say anything, but it seemed like others, like my friend alan, understood what I was doing. He would say, "yeah, my boy mooney knows," and things like this. It was a very calming, powerful feeling, focusing all of my mental energy on my most central existance. I began looking up to the sky in order to prostrate my body. There was a light directly above me and rain coming down. I had the notion to lift my hands in the air. I began arching my back because I felt the need to connect my feet to my head so that I was one being without a begining or an end. Others stopped playing beer pong and began supporting my back. Vibrations began coming from the bottom of my stomach, up through my chest, through my throat, out of my mouth. I entered into a different sort of conciounsess where I wasnt outside, and I wasnt around a table or other people. Everything that had been outside of me, now only existed in a relative form inside of me. I would hear the voices of whom I can only presume are the people that were around me. Jen Micker's voice became my mothers, comforting me. Issamu's became my brother's and Nates became issamu and a young version of my father. Even now, when I say my mother, and my father, and my brother, I only mean that these voices pointed to a place inside of me that I have come to recognize as my brother's, fathers, mothers, but in fact these places they were calling to felt much more certain than any dynamic person. I felt directly intimate with all these people, like they were in the same peaceful, dark, room as me, offering support through their existance. I had some notion of leaving my body but i wasnt scared by it at all. I could feel straps being put on me, and although they were restricting, they existed somewhere inside of me and so I had no fear.
When I woke up I was in a hospital room with an IV in my left arm. The door to the room was open so I could see medics walking back and forth past me. There were metal things sticking to my chest and a catheter in my urethra. I felt very calm, as though I had woken from a very peaceful dream. It didnt feel bad, or good, but just that it had existed in a very saturating way. I sat up and began taking the metal things and the cathetor out of me. A man came in to disconnect the IV. He was very calm to. He showed me wehre my bathroom was. When I peed, it hurt because of the catheter. I layed back down on my bed and within an hour nate and issamu came to pick me up. They too seemed very calm. We left the hospital with out them knowing my name.