I am dead.
I should have slept a long, long time ago. My body says it's tired, but it shakes every time I try to move. Everything's going at once.
They passed me by. Lulu scared one of them, even though she was kenneled. They ran past the house because it scared them. Isn't that the point? Isn't that why they were there? Why did they not come? Because the cobwebs were real, not cotton or nylon?
I found them. The pictures.
Who were they for?
They weren't for me.
I wish they'd been for me.
I found them, the words. You told him. You talked to him. Why didn't you tell me? If you'd just told me like you told him, everything would have been alright. But you never tried just talking to me.
You'll swear you did.
But you didn't.
I trusted you.
I loved you.
I trusted him.
Is this what you wanted?
To destroy my world?
Is this how Carlos felt? Did you give him warning? Or did you simply disappear?
Will Kyle feel the same way, when you tire of him? What of his kid?
What does it matter.
It doesn't.
There's nothing left anymore.
My world is gone.
You've taken every drop of it. Every piece of it. Everything that once was me.
Do you love it as I once did? The things that made me who I was?
Do you think of how I taught you all those games you play?
How I begged you to read the books, and showed you how to find wonder and beauty in them?
They are letters now.
Letters on a page.
There is no great ork warrior. He has no Predator. He has no cyberware.
The samurai are dead, on their own blades.
I cannot help them. I don't want to help them.
The money sits there in the bank. It has a thousand places it should be.
I fixed it.
I can fix anything now.
You even tried to take that away from me. You tried to get me to quit. To leave town, thinking that would save us.
You tried to destroy me wholly.
Why do I go?
Why?
I don't want to.
I don't not want to.
It doesn't remind me of you.
It doesn't matter.
I don't matter.
Do I?
There's nothing left. I can't feel anything.
I go because otherwise, there would be no days. There would be no nights.
If no one knows the number, do days exist? Does time exist? They blur together.
I go because it marks the days.
Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Blur. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Blur.
Sometimes, there are people there in that blur.
My arms are shaking.
My fingers are cold. Only my right fingers. My left fingers are warm.
It's not cold today.
I go because my brain still works.
No, it doesn't work.
It just does. Even though I am dead, I make 98%.
I am dead and on the honor roll.
I can't make my arms stop shaking.
I wore my best shirt last night and no one even saw it. They grabbed the candy and ran. Some said thank you.
I didn't have to turn the porch light off.
He will be back soon. Maybe he can help. Maybe he knows something. Maybe he can fix it. Maybe he will have something for me to use. Maybe advice. Maybe more.
He's been gone so long.
The last one.
The only one.
Then, only family.
Maybe, maybe.
I still wear it.
I mowed the lawn. I mowed with my hands. I mowed with the thing. I mowed with the eater. It is short. I hope in time.
The bitch won't care. It's never in time.
They came. Not many. They took some of the candy. Philip took more. More than the kids. So few. So few. I had hoped for lots.
I had hoped for two.
Hopes die.
Dreams.
I dreamt last night. Last night? Night before. Night before? When there was sleep. I dreamt of screaming for her to stop. To come back. She drove away.
Like you did.
Once, I had a dream. Many times, the dream.
Always, no matter what she did, she could not tempt me. Always, it was yours.
I was glad of that dream.
Now, she drives away. She drives a blue pickup truck. A blue pickup truck? Why? Powder blue, like the sky.
She says I am broken, the dream girl. That there is nothing left.
A candy shell with no chocolate.
Melts nowhere.
Only grows brittle and crumbles.
No one notices.
They came last night.
There was a little devil with a tail longer than he was. She was? I don't remember. I remember a crepe-paper tail. I remember that they didn't take enough candy.
I remember that there were twenty of them.
I haven't seen so many people in months.
I can't go outside.
There are people out there.
They mustn't see me broken.
I must be strong. When I am strong, I will go outside.
I hide. My mower is quiet. It has no motor. I can hide while I mow and no one sees me.
They fear my house. They hurry past it. I hear their feet in the night even now that the sun glares in my eyes and I hear the mothers say, "No, no, not that one."
Maybe it's the screen.
Maybe it's our spider. She's dead now. She's in her web, perfect. I hope she stays there. We brought her there together.
She laid two egg sacs.
The neighbor lady hates her. Hates spiders. I tried to teach her, like I taught you. I showed her spiders. I don't think she listened.
Spiders are gone, too. I remember you when I think of them.
Books. Games. The internet. Pictures.
Pictures.
I found them, long ago. I found them and I thought Philip had put them there by accident. I found them and I thought perhaps they were yours and I thought that was nice.
Who were they for?
Who asked at the library's help desk?
Did it matter?
I don't think it did.
Nothing matters anymore.
Everything is gone.
The only thing left was because of you. You tried to destroy that too.
It doesn't matter. I can pass tests while I am dead.
I can teach people while I am dead.
I can learn while I am dead.
I can solve puzzles while I am dead.
I make things.
The teacher heard me say I was lost.
He says that I am learning faster than the others did.
I pick the hard puzzles. I make them work. They pick the simple puzzles, and guess at the solution of the hard puzzle.
I ask why.
I don't get an answer.
I get I don't know. Then we find an answer. The answer is because the output bit is shifted. The answer is because there can't be two rungs that address the same output.
The answer is "I don't know."
From that, one day, a mech would be built.
I still say that.
I don't care anymore.
I don't want a mech.
I don't care about stomping around in a giant robot.
Long ago, I dreamed of it. I would build one for him. And him. And him. And me.
Now...
There is no him. He is dead.
There is no him.
There is a him, but he is far, far away.
There is no me. I am dead.
I don't want a mech. I don't want a Crinos form. I don't want a magical bow or dagger or armor or a high stealth roll or to be the strong ork. I don't want to puzzle out the traps. I don't want to be the brave samurai.
I am ronin.
I am dead.
My feet have just not stopped moving yet.
My heart is dead. My honor is dead. My arms still move.
They shake. I can't stop them from moving. My chest. It shakes.
I cry.
I can stop that.
I must be strong, so I can go outside.
So I can go to class.
I have to go to class. That is how I know it is today and not yesterday or tomorrow.
I am good at it. I am the best at it. I can see it work before it is there. I don't care about it.
I am good at it. I am the best at it. They never die. I curse myself when they get hurt badly. Dozens come, they beat on them. But I am the best. They never die. I die. I have no armor.
This is how it should be.
They never die.
I am the best. I am the ronin. Perhaps one day I will die forever.
Until then, I have to be the best.
I have to be strong. To help them. To program the logic. To teach them what they have forgotten. To heal them. To protect them. To understand hydraulics.
I remember the pictures.
Hydraulic leaks, tiny. Liquid under pressure.
I remember the warnings.
Test with paper and a magnifying glass. Don't test with your hands.
I remember the pictures.
It cuts. Tiny cuts, deep. Hands swollen. Hydraulic fluid is poisonous. Hand swells up. Hand is sliced to the bone.
It is a tiny liquid knife.
A tiny sting.
I remember the pictures and I wonder if I would care.
I am dead.
Do dead men need hands?
Teachers need hands. Students need hands. Heroes need hands. Friends need hands.
Are you a guy? Why yes, yes I am.
A kid, but together, we save the town. He is tiny. He is young. He is lagging.
He does his job better than I do mine.
I curse myself. Throw faster!
I must be perfect.
I will die with honor.
I must be strong to go outside.
They must not see me shake.
They must not see me cry.
They must not see me worry.
They must not see me starve.
They must see me strong.
They must see me save them.
They must see honor.
I am dead.
But I will be dead with honor.
I am ronin.
I cannot quit until I am dead with honor.
I am not dead with honor.
You took my honor.
You took everything.
You took everything.
You took me.
GIVE ME BACK.
GIVE ME BACK.
GIVE ME BACK>
GPVE me back.
I must be strong.
I will be strong.
I must be strong to go outside.
I will not sleep.
I cannot sleep.
I cannot be late.
I cannot be late for Monday.
Doday ais Blurr.
Tomorrow is Blur.
Tomorrow tomorrow is Monday.
There is class Monday.
I must be strong.
I must understand everything.
I will be strong.
I am dead.
I cannot let that stop me.
I am dead.
They passed me by. Lulu scared one of them, even though she was kenneled. They ran past the house because it scared them. Isn't that the point? Isn't that why they were there? Why did they not come? Because the cobwebs were real, not cotton or nylon?
I found them. The pictures.
Who were they for?
They weren't for me.
I wish they'd been for me.
I found them, the words. You told him. You talked to him. Why didn't you tell me? If you'd just told me like you told him, everything would have been alright. But you never tried just talking to me.
You'll swear you did.
But you didn't.
I trusted you.
I loved you.
I trusted him.
Is this what you wanted?
To destroy my world?
Is this how Carlos felt? Did you give him warning? Or did you simply disappear?
Will Kyle feel the same way, when you tire of him? What of his kid?
What does it matter.
It doesn't.
There's nothing left anymore.
My world is gone.
You've taken every drop of it. Every piece of it. Everything that once was me.
Do you love it as I once did? The things that made me who I was?
Do you think of how I taught you all those games you play?
How I begged you to read the books, and showed you how to find wonder and beauty in them?
They are letters now.
Letters on a page.
There is no great ork warrior. He has no Predator. He has no cyberware.
The samurai are dead, on their own blades.
I cannot help them. I don't want to help them.
The money sits there in the bank. It has a thousand places it should be.
I fixed it.
I can fix anything now.
You even tried to take that away from me. You tried to get me to quit. To leave town, thinking that would save us.
You tried to destroy me wholly.
Why do I go?
Why?
I don't want to.
I don't not want to.
It doesn't remind me of you.
It doesn't matter.
I don't matter.
Do I?
There's nothing left. I can't feel anything.
I go because otherwise, there would be no days. There would be no nights.
If no one knows the number, do days exist? Does time exist? They blur together.
I go because it marks the days.
Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Blur. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Blur.
Sometimes, there are people there in that blur.
My arms are shaking.
My fingers are cold. Only my right fingers. My left fingers are warm.
It's not cold today.
I go because my brain still works.
No, it doesn't work.
It just does. Even though I am dead, I make 98%.
I am dead and on the honor roll.
I can't make my arms stop shaking.
I wore my best shirt last night and no one even saw it. They grabbed the candy and ran. Some said thank you.
I didn't have to turn the porch light off.
He will be back soon. Maybe he can help. Maybe he knows something. Maybe he can fix it. Maybe he will have something for me to use. Maybe advice. Maybe more.
He's been gone so long.
The last one.
The only one.
Then, only family.
Maybe, maybe.
I still wear it.
I mowed the lawn. I mowed with my hands. I mowed with the thing. I mowed with the eater. It is short. I hope in time.
The bitch won't care. It's never in time.
They came. Not many. They took some of the candy. Philip took more. More than the kids. So few. So few. I had hoped for lots.
I had hoped for two.
Hopes die.
Dreams.
I dreamt last night. Last night? Night before. Night before? When there was sleep. I dreamt of screaming for her to stop. To come back. She drove away.
Like you did.
Once, I had a dream. Many times, the dream.
Always, no matter what she did, she could not tempt me. Always, it was yours.
I was glad of that dream.
Now, she drives away. She drives a blue pickup truck. A blue pickup truck? Why? Powder blue, like the sky.
She says I am broken, the dream girl. That there is nothing left.
A candy shell with no chocolate.
Melts nowhere.
Only grows brittle and crumbles.
No one notices.
They came last night.
There was a little devil with a tail longer than he was. She was? I don't remember. I remember a crepe-paper tail. I remember that they didn't take enough candy.
I remember that there were twenty of them.
I haven't seen so many people in months.
I can't go outside.
There are people out there.
They mustn't see me broken.
I must be strong. When I am strong, I will go outside.
I hide. My mower is quiet. It has no motor. I can hide while I mow and no one sees me.
They fear my house. They hurry past it. I hear their feet in the night even now that the sun glares in my eyes and I hear the mothers say, "No, no, not that one."
Maybe it's the screen.
Maybe it's our spider. She's dead now. She's in her web, perfect. I hope she stays there. We brought her there together.
She laid two egg sacs.
The neighbor lady hates her. Hates spiders. I tried to teach her, like I taught you. I showed her spiders. I don't think she listened.
Spiders are gone, too. I remember you when I think of them.
Books. Games. The internet. Pictures.
Pictures.
I found them, long ago. I found them and I thought Philip had put them there by accident. I found them and I thought perhaps they were yours and I thought that was nice.
Who were they for?
Who asked at the library's help desk?
Did it matter?
I don't think it did.
Nothing matters anymore.
Everything is gone.
The only thing left was because of you. You tried to destroy that too.
It doesn't matter. I can pass tests while I am dead.
I can teach people while I am dead.
I can learn while I am dead.
I can solve puzzles while I am dead.
I make things.
The teacher heard me say I was lost.
He says that I am learning faster than the others did.
I pick the hard puzzles. I make them work. They pick the simple puzzles, and guess at the solution of the hard puzzle.
I ask why.
I don't get an answer.
I get I don't know. Then we find an answer. The answer is because the output bit is shifted. The answer is because there can't be two rungs that address the same output.
The answer is "I don't know."
From that, one day, a mech would be built.
I still say that.
I don't care anymore.
I don't want a mech.
I don't care about stomping around in a giant robot.
Long ago, I dreamed of it. I would build one for him. And him. And him. And me.
Now...
There is no him. He is dead.
There is no him.
There is a him, but he is far, far away.
There is no me. I am dead.
I don't want a mech. I don't want a Crinos form. I don't want a magical bow or dagger or armor or a high stealth roll or to be the strong ork. I don't want to puzzle out the traps. I don't want to be the brave samurai.
I am ronin.
I am dead.
My feet have just not stopped moving yet.
My heart is dead. My honor is dead. My arms still move.
They shake. I can't stop them from moving. My chest. It shakes.
I cry.
I can stop that.
I must be strong, so I can go outside.
So I can go to class.
I have to go to class. That is how I know it is today and not yesterday or tomorrow.
I am good at it. I am the best at it. I can see it work before it is there. I don't care about it.
I am good at it. I am the best at it. They never die. I curse myself when they get hurt badly. Dozens come, they beat on them. But I am the best. They never die. I die. I have no armor.
This is how it should be.
They never die.
I am the best. I am the ronin. Perhaps one day I will die forever.
Until then, I have to be the best.
I have to be strong. To help them. To program the logic. To teach them what they have forgotten. To heal them. To protect them. To understand hydraulics.
I remember the pictures.
Hydraulic leaks, tiny. Liquid under pressure.
I remember the warnings.
Test with paper and a magnifying glass. Don't test with your hands.
I remember the pictures.
It cuts. Tiny cuts, deep. Hands swollen. Hydraulic fluid is poisonous. Hand swells up. Hand is sliced to the bone.
It is a tiny liquid knife.
A tiny sting.
I remember the pictures and I wonder if I would care.
I am dead.
Do dead men need hands?
Teachers need hands. Students need hands. Heroes need hands. Friends need hands.
Are you a guy? Why yes, yes I am.
A kid, but together, we save the town. He is tiny. He is young. He is lagging.
He does his job better than I do mine.
I curse myself. Throw faster!
I must be perfect.
I will die with honor.
I must be strong to go outside.
They must not see me shake.
They must not see me cry.
They must not see me worry.
They must not see me starve.
They must see me strong.
They must see me save them.
They must see honor.
I am dead.
But I will be dead with honor.
I am ronin.
I cannot quit until I am dead with honor.
I am not dead with honor.
You took my honor.
You took everything.
You took everything.
You took me.
GIVE ME BACK.
GIVE ME BACK.
GIVE ME BACK>
GPVE me back.
I must be strong.
I will be strong.
I must be strong to go outside.
I will not sleep.
I cannot sleep.
I cannot be late.
I cannot be late for Monday.
Doday ais Blurr.
Tomorrow is Blur.
Tomorrow tomorrow is Monday.
There is class Monday.
I must be strong.
I must understand everything.
I will be strong.
I am dead.
I cannot let that stop me.
I am dead.