my penpal from canada sent me a kinks lp for no reason
i've never known a damn thing about film cameras, this is my favorite shot from my first roll of film. i want to keep getting better. it's easy when your friends are so beautiful. jessica, i'm really going to miss you. i always do, when one of us leaves. kristin, too.
i'm getting antsy, ready to leave for cape cod, but i still have 12 more days before that happens. various things are taking up some time in between now and then. doctor appointments, a tiny road trip with one of my best friends to visit the other one in athens, volunteering at the beck center, coffee dates with people i love who i haven't seen in ages, small yardwork jobs and delivering newspapers every day but man, i still just don't really know what to do with myself.
everything feels so fast, and also, painfully slow. maybe it's just hard because i feel like i'm not in control of much. more than anything i just look forward to putting on a record and cooking something healthy and elaborate, even if it's just for myself. it's hard to be away from someone for a month when you're so used to seeing them every day. maybe i am in control of things, maybe i'm not. i think that's probably normal though, to feel useless, apathetic, unfulfilled. it's temporary, yeah. at least for someone majoring in social sciences, simultaneously forcing themselves to accept the painful ambiguity in the world, the indefinite cruelty of abstraction. i have no conviction, and that's probably the best thing i can surrender myself to, knowing there is no right or wrong, real is relative, and all of that hypothetical shit i'm paying out of my ass to be indoctrinated with. but, i like it, i guess, it feels good, or at least gives me something to do so every day doesn't feel terribly unstructured, empty. whatever, dramatics aren't my best asset anyway.
i interviewed for a part time job at a vegetarian grocery store in cape cod. it's true that i just want the job for the 25% discount and mad free samples. and free plastic crates, for records. it'd be worth it. for the love of god please hire me. maybe me saying on the phone "i'll work for a dollar less than anyone else" wasn't the best career move, but come on, in massachusetts, they're ready to shell out twelve bucks an hour to work at a store that sells wheatgrass shots at the tofu deli. i'm from ohio, i'll work for eleven dollars an hour, gladly. bitch, please.
in other news, i taught my dad how to make homemade pizza, took him bowling, and got drunk with him and my brother and watched arrested development yesterday. that might have been the best family day of my life.
also, kate graduated, with departmental honors and thesis honors and all those things smart people get. i watched her wander through a sea of graduates after going through the archway at my school, looking for someone familiar. seeing her eyes light up a little when we met, both of us looking confused and lost, made me feel so safe.
