what was that?
I talked to E today, who is back from her trip. All in all she reports that she had a grand ol' time, but the first few days she was in a nasty depression. She said there was one evening in particular... I asked if it was saturday night -- yep. I apologized for any misguided psychic bad juju vibes I may have sent her way, since Sat was my freak out night too. We had a good laugh over that one, whew! T also reports that the last couple of weeks have been unusually nasty for her as well. They both wished me good whatever on the meeting I have with J tomorrow night to talk. I honestly don't know what I want. I'm tempted to say that my life is so disorganized and shitty right now that it would be a diservice to anyone if I subjected them to a relationship with me. I should come with a disclaimer. I should be more specific; I should come with a disclaimer that states that nomatter how good it gets, I reserve the right to break up at any moment with no need to explain myself. Introspection does not work with me. I have no idea who those people are who like to claim that our initmate and immediate knowlege of ourselves (read: our minds) at any given time give us a priveleged look at our own motivations and reasons... bullshit. Somebody asks me "why", and I have to backtrack, reach in the dark unreason, for some suitable explanation that doesn't immediately contradict what I'm feeling, and appeases the other person. Sometimes I just tell the other person whatever it is that will make them stop questioning me. Sometimes I really do know what I'm about. Sometimes I figure it out much later. Sometimes I think I know, and then later I believe myself to have been deluded. As a general rule though, once I make a decision I stick with it... it promotes the image of consistancy. What a farce.