(no subject)
I'm wicked pmsing.
I know I must have filtered out like 90% of my livejournal readers just then. The following is probably going to be emo and peppered with frustration.
Okay, I know if I took a few steps back and reviewed my life as a whole entity... I shouldn't get too down. But of course I have an awful habit of magnifying poor test grades or dwelling for 3 days on something that went wrong for 3 minutes. I'm still trying to figure out why I do this...because it's such a waste of timeeeee.
I think I'm just getting scared because senior year is quickly approaching. I know life doesn't end after high school but graduation will be the culmination of a really long academic road and I'm getting slightly bent out of shape because I don't know what I have truly accomplished yet. I don't feel awesome with anything that I do. Maybe I've set my goals too high or something...but I've always been encouraged to reach far and beyond and yet all these aspirations and ambitious destinations have done nothing but left me feeling insufficient and insecure about myself. I realized, this year alone, I've already cried over three times at school over school-related stress. A lot of my friends have too. There's something completely wrong about that.
Idk, I just want to be back in the 2nd grade when school was fun for all the right reasons.
And remember the tree that I kept talking about (the one that fell onto my neighbor's house from the massive wind storm earlier this year)? Well, my parents had to have it cut down this past Thursday and now there is a strikingly disgusting gap between my house and my neighbor's house. I never really noticed the tree actually being there when it was still up but now that it's gone there's like a void in me. Although my sadness most likely stems from my pms, I was just trying to make a simple point. It's ironic to notice the absence of something MORE than the actual presence of it.
This is why I've been really down lately. Pretty soon everyone will be leaving to do their own things. How many missing trees is THAT going to feel like?? And I'm trying to savor everything right now but it's impossible because I'm drowning in school and this inability to swim represents the inhibitions in my mentality that contribute to my feeling insufficient. Everyone has been telling me to "take it easy", "take a break"...wtf does that even mean? No matter what I do, this gray cloud follows me.
Maybe I shouldn't be pointing my finger at school so much; it's probably not even the problem. But when everything goes badly, I am quick to blame it all on the fact that school owns me. Idk idk idk.... when I pms, I get pensive and start contemplating the incomprehensible.
Ugh I hate perioding. Period.
I know I must have filtered out like 90% of my livejournal readers just then. The following is probably going to be emo and peppered with frustration.
Okay, I know if I took a few steps back and reviewed my life as a whole entity... I shouldn't get too down. But of course I have an awful habit of magnifying poor test grades or dwelling for 3 days on something that went wrong for 3 minutes. I'm still trying to figure out why I do this...because it's such a waste of timeeeee.
I think I'm just getting scared because senior year is quickly approaching. I know life doesn't end after high school but graduation will be the culmination of a really long academic road and I'm getting slightly bent out of shape because I don't know what I have truly accomplished yet. I don't feel awesome with anything that I do. Maybe I've set my goals too high or something...but I've always been encouraged to reach far and beyond and yet all these aspirations and ambitious destinations have done nothing but left me feeling insufficient and insecure about myself. I realized, this year alone, I've already cried over three times at school over school-related stress. A lot of my friends have too. There's something completely wrong about that.
Idk, I just want to be back in the 2nd grade when school was fun for all the right reasons.
And remember the tree that I kept talking about (the one that fell onto my neighbor's house from the massive wind storm earlier this year)? Well, my parents had to have it cut down this past Thursday and now there is a strikingly disgusting gap between my house and my neighbor's house. I never really noticed the tree actually being there when it was still up but now that it's gone there's like a void in me. Although my sadness most likely stems from my pms, I was just trying to make a simple point. It's ironic to notice the absence of something MORE than the actual presence of it.
This is why I've been really down lately. Pretty soon everyone will be leaving to do their own things. How many missing trees is THAT going to feel like?? And I'm trying to savor everything right now but it's impossible because I'm drowning in school and this inability to swim represents the inhibitions in my mentality that contribute to my feeling insufficient. Everyone has been telling me to "take it easy", "take a break"...wtf does that even mean? No matter what I do, this gray cloud follows me.
Maybe I shouldn't be pointing my finger at school so much; it's probably not even the problem. But when everything goes badly, I am quick to blame it all on the fact that school owns me. Idk idk idk.... when I pms, I get pensive and start contemplating the incomprehensible.
Ugh I hate perioding. Period.