Long weekend... Longer thoughts...
I feel drained. It's been a long weekend, kind of a roller coaster. Rehearsed for the rock show Friday night, and Ruder came to visit. It was very cool. Chilled with him a bit Saturday as well before he left. Saturday night was the concert -- it was kick ass. Huge response from the crowd, and I think we're gonna try to do this every quarter. Afterwards we hit the sauce pretty hard. And somehow Sara and I got mad at each other. Can't quite remember the reason, but I'm sure it was stupid. I'll see this week how things go. She herself is a post for a later date. Woke up hung over at the theatre, then went and bus greeted for QCMG's Meet Me In St. Louis, which I had not seen before. Cute show, pretty well done for a community show. Then went home, and went with Kristin to La Ranch to meet Paul, Leigh Ann, and Ed. They were talking wedding stuff, I just had an horchata (yum). Then who walks in? L. So strange, I figured she would be done with this town. She didn't say hi. After La Ranch I walked home again and watched Rango with the Fairchildren. Good movie.
So that's the facts of what happened. I guess now it's time to get into some nitty gritty, since I seem determined to write this crap out tonight.
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is the whole Sara thing. I discovered this weekend that I'm getting tired of the crazy. I get it. She doesn't have direction, and is spiraling down until she hits bottom, has an existential crisis, finds peace and rebuilds herself. I totally get it, as we all know I had that whole thing happen to me about 3 years ago (damn, was it really that long ago? How time flies). It's just that the spiraling is frustrating, borderline dangerous. And saying anything will go unheeded. So many of us just seem to be along for the ride. Unfortunately, I think I'm done. So a lot of that whole social scene is getting put on the back burner once the job starts at the end of the month. And I'll still be there if she needs me, and I'll still be a friend, and I'll still love her, but I'm tired of where it stands right now.
... Of course, I may buckle and follow along like a lap dog. We shall see.
Next is an epiphany I had. It's that I am ridiculously fortunate and privelaged to have the following combination: a decent amount of talent, a niche type, and (most noteworthy) friendship with Tristan Tapscott. I mean, I loved being on stage when I was a kid. And I loved singing. And I got to do it in high school, and opera in college. And now I do theatre for fun and profit. And it doesn't suck. More importantly is the frequency I get to do it. I mean, as was pointed out to me a while ago, all the people who love this stuff and audition at QCMG and they are so excited to do one show a year. A single show. And even Ruder is doing theatre in the Twin Cities and is doing a couple shows annually (though I hope this continues to increase). But I? Between Circa, District Theatre, and QCMG this year I will be involved in 9 shows. 8 on stage, 1 backstage. And that might even increase if they need an SM for one of the shows. Not to brag, that's not my intent. But I truly am fortunate. Even though things get hectic and frustrating, even though my friends are absolutely batshit insane, I am ridiculously fortunate. And I need to keep remembering that.
Third, I guess, is L. Such a damn curiosity. I mean, I don't really think of her at all at this point, but first laying eyes on her tonight and it's like the old wound was just ripped right open. I seriously had a feeling in my chest. And it's ridiculous. And while I say above she didn't say hi, I made no effort to catch her attention either. I've been sitting at this thinking, trying to articulate what's going on. It's not that I'm still in love with her or something like that. While I know I will always love her (don't read into this melodramatically, I just believe that when you love someone like that you will still always have that connection, but it is now more of an abstract thing. A fondness and caring rather than romantic attachment.) it's not that feeling at all. I mean, I love Natalie in that way too. But I don't get momentarily crushed whenever I text her or see her. I guess if I were to guess at this point, it could be two things. The first is that I have never had closure on my terms. With Natalie, for example, it sucked for a while, but I feel after a while we kind of had closure. I think it may have been when I visited that one weekend and we saw Labyrinth. I feel that hanging out again we just kind of got the catharsis that you don't really get in an awkward breakup like that. So now when we talk or text or whatever it's cool. But for L I never had that. The first time was damn awkward, and completely in her control. And then I was on the hook for a while until she just ignored me when she got back to the States. And then in our brief renaissance in '10, even before I got the chance to feel anything she had already cast me aside. So maybe it's that. Could also be that I'm alone. And that's a dumb thing, but I mean, she's got her beau and it seems to be working out for her. Great, I'm glad that it is. But I'm still by myself, and the closest thing I've had to a relationship since is just batshit crazy, and definitely not healthy. And a lot of that is all on me. I mean, I know what I am, for better or worse. Part of me hopes it's the closure thing, because I doubt the other thing will resolve any time soon.
So even after writing all this shit down, I still feel in a funk. Better than before, but still a bit funkified. I'm gonna read for a bit then try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.
Peace all.
So that's the facts of what happened. I guess now it's time to get into some nitty gritty, since I seem determined to write this crap out tonight.
I guess the first thing that comes to mind is the whole Sara thing. I discovered this weekend that I'm getting tired of the crazy. I get it. She doesn't have direction, and is spiraling down until she hits bottom, has an existential crisis, finds peace and rebuilds herself. I totally get it, as we all know I had that whole thing happen to me about 3 years ago (damn, was it really that long ago? How time flies). It's just that the spiraling is frustrating, borderline dangerous. And saying anything will go unheeded. So many of us just seem to be along for the ride. Unfortunately, I think I'm done. So a lot of that whole social scene is getting put on the back burner once the job starts at the end of the month. And I'll still be there if she needs me, and I'll still be a friend, and I'll still love her, but I'm tired of where it stands right now.
... Of course, I may buckle and follow along like a lap dog. We shall see.
Next is an epiphany I had. It's that I am ridiculously fortunate and privelaged to have the following combination: a decent amount of talent, a niche type, and (most noteworthy) friendship with Tristan Tapscott. I mean, I loved being on stage when I was a kid. And I loved singing. And I got to do it in high school, and opera in college. And now I do theatre for fun and profit. And it doesn't suck. More importantly is the frequency I get to do it. I mean, as was pointed out to me a while ago, all the people who love this stuff and audition at QCMG and they are so excited to do one show a year. A single show. And even Ruder is doing theatre in the Twin Cities and is doing a couple shows annually (though I hope this continues to increase). But I? Between Circa, District Theatre, and QCMG this year I will be involved in 9 shows. 8 on stage, 1 backstage. And that might even increase if they need an SM for one of the shows. Not to brag, that's not my intent. But I truly am fortunate. Even though things get hectic and frustrating, even though my friends are absolutely batshit insane, I am ridiculously fortunate. And I need to keep remembering that.
Third, I guess, is L. Such a damn curiosity. I mean, I don't really think of her at all at this point, but first laying eyes on her tonight and it's like the old wound was just ripped right open. I seriously had a feeling in my chest. And it's ridiculous. And while I say above she didn't say hi, I made no effort to catch her attention either. I've been sitting at this thinking, trying to articulate what's going on. It's not that I'm still in love with her or something like that. While I know I will always love her (don't read into this melodramatically, I just believe that when you love someone like that you will still always have that connection, but it is now more of an abstract thing. A fondness and caring rather than romantic attachment.) it's not that feeling at all. I mean, I love Natalie in that way too. But I don't get momentarily crushed whenever I text her or see her. I guess if I were to guess at this point, it could be two things. The first is that I have never had closure on my terms. With Natalie, for example, it sucked for a while, but I feel after a while we kind of had closure. I think it may have been when I visited that one weekend and we saw Labyrinth. I feel that hanging out again we just kind of got the catharsis that you don't really get in an awkward breakup like that. So now when we talk or text or whatever it's cool. But for L I never had that. The first time was damn awkward, and completely in her control. And then I was on the hook for a while until she just ignored me when she got back to the States. And then in our brief renaissance in '10, even before I got the chance to feel anything she had already cast me aside. So maybe it's that. Could also be that I'm alone. And that's a dumb thing, but I mean, she's got her beau and it seems to be working out for her. Great, I'm glad that it is. But I'm still by myself, and the closest thing I've had to a relationship since is just batshit crazy, and definitely not healthy. And a lot of that is all on me. I mean, I know what I am, for better or worse. Part of me hopes it's the closure thing, because I doubt the other thing will resolve any time soon.
So even after writing all this shit down, I still feel in a funk. Better than before, but still a bit funkified. I'm gonna read for a bit then try to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.
Peace all.