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Yesterday I picked up the Complete Fairy Tales of Oscar Wilde, and am becoming reacquainted with some stories, and reading a few for the first time. And of course as I'm reading I was put in mind of the summary Mags wrote of the movie Wilde (with Steven Fry as Oscar), which I still adore. There are many I've wanted to share that with, but alas that entry is locked.
So I figured what the hell, texted her today and asked her if I could copy pasta it here for posterity. And she said yesh. :3
Originally posted by Mags back on Apr. 11th, 2005:
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So tonight I watched Wilde, a movie based on the life of Oscar Wilde. Much to the dismay (possibly) of anyone who enjoyed the movie or maybe never saw it, I would like to give to you now: Wilde In Shorthand.
Enjoy.
Wilde: Hi! I'm Oscar Wilde... I'm a married man with a pregnant woman and also have a female best friend. I'm played by Steven Fry who is quite possibly the most gay man in the entire world, thus making any sort of romantic scene with my onscreen wife completely awkward.
Wife: Wow! Here's the baby! Oscar? Oscar! Take a look
Wilde: In a moment, I'm busy looking longingly for unknown reasons at a young rentboy played by a very young 1997 Unknown Orlando Bloom.
Orlando: I've only got one line in this but have no fear my friends, this is definately NOT the last homoerotic role I'll be playing...
Wilde: Horray!
Wife: Oscar, you're always away from home and you're busy and for some reason we don't have a nanny yet. However I'm not worried at all because we have a family friend, Robbie, who will be hanging out with us both all the time.
Wilde: Ahhh... of course.
Robbie: (strips naked and rubs up against Wilde) Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side!
Wilde: Sweet! Dudes are freaking sexy and since I'm played by Steven Fry, the most gay man in the world the sex scenes with you are MUCH more believable!
(Boink Boink Boink, Clank Clank Clank.)
Wilde: Wow! My play is being performed and everyone thinks I'm damned sexy!
Sexy Boyfriend Number 2: That was a freaking hot play... and I'm so flaming they could make smores off me.
Wilde: Hmmmm... Flaming you say? Come with me, younger gentleman than I and we shall have mad passionate sex together!
Sexy BF2: Sure!
Robbie: Umm... ok... so I'll just wait here until you're done with him... ok? Oscar?
(Boink Boink Boink, Clank Clank Clank)
Wilde: Wow! Another one of my plays have made it big and everyone thinks I'm freaking awesome!
Sexy BF2: You left your knickers over my place last night... lets go back there and get them, k?
Wilde: Can't. I'm being summoned to talk to a young impressional and extremely vunderable Jude Law, er, I mean Bosey.
Bosey: Hi, I'm 'Master' Douglas but you can call me Bosey... everyone else calls me a Whiney Bitch but that can wait till later. I think you're wonderful... blah blah... My college is boring, wish you'd come stop by.
Wilde: Sure!
Robbie: (standing in the corner) Ummm... wait... this isn't quite right...
(Cut to the two of them walking down some tree lined way, arm in arm)
Bosey: (whine) No one loves me and my father beat me and my mother makes fun of me and no one loves me!
Wilde: Awwww... poor little blonde college boy. Put your head on my shoulder... now put it in my lap...
(Boink boink boink, clank clank clank)
Wife: We've got two kids now and you're nowhere to be seen. WTF?
Wilde: Busy writing... lots of shit to do...
Bosey: (whine) You've been telling your wife that you're out writing so you can get away from her and you're ACTUALLY WRITING? You're supposed to be fucking me until my ears fall off!
Wilde: Darling, you're being a whiney little bitch, you know. Now go off and do something while I actually do work to pay for this lavish lifestyle we all live.
Bosey: (whine) Fine! I hate you! Goodbye forever!
Wilde: Whatever, you whiney bitch.
Robbie: Horray! My turn again!
(time passes)
Bosey's Mom: Dude, I know that you were fucking Oscar Wilde, try not to make it a habit, ok? In fact you might just wanna quit now while you're ahead. Your dad's an asshole and if he finds out you're queer he'll kick your ass. Oh, and Wilde's evil or some junk.
Bosey: (whine) My mom and dad suck. I'm going to go back to Oscar...
Wilde: Horray! I have TWO plays simultaniously playing in two theatres in London and I couldn't be happier!
Bosey: Honey! I'm home!
Wilde: I was wondering what happened to you... sex without you just hasn't been the same!
Robbie: Hey! Standing right over here, you know!
Wilde: Now we can be together forever as I still support a wife and kids...
(boink boink boink, clank clank clank.)
Sexy BF#2: I'm back after a good half hour of having nothing to do with this movie... and this totally sucks. WHY is Wilde off fucking Jude Law? He was SO fucking me first!
Robbie: ... Ok, you DO know that he was with ME before you.
Sexy BF#2: Well, yeah, but thats different. (sulk) I hate Bosey. I want to kill him.
Robbie: Stop whining so much... if you don't we'll have to change YOUR name to whiney bitch and we can't have TWO whiney bitches in the same movie... besides Jude Law's WAY hotter than you. It would never work out.
Sexy BF#2: Fine. I'm going to go sulk for the rest of the movie. (grabs the bottle of booze nearby) Later.
(Meanwhile back at the ranch...)
Bosey's Dad: Blah! I'm your standard asshole who hates everything that isn't traditional and I beat people with my whip!
Wilde: Hey, Daddy-O! Your son has a great ass... let me charm the pants off of you!
Bosey's Dad: Yeah... whatever... Bosey, you can't see him again or you'll get no allowence...
Bosey: (whine) You're absurd!
Bosey's Dad: Was that an insult?
Bosey: (STILL whining) I hate you! I don't ever wanna see you again!
Bosey's Dad: (to Wilde) Stop fucking my son.
Wilde: Whatever...
Bosey's Dad: Oh yeah? Well take a look at what the courts have to say about everything you're doing... It IS a felony in this point in time you know!
Bosey: You have to fight him! Even though you have no money left due to my spending it all... and everything that he's bringing up against you is true... you have to fight him and sue him! I can't loose against him!
Robbie: (looks annoyed) You?
Bosey: I mean... WE can't lose against him!
Robbie: (pushes Bosey out of the way) Wilde, you're broke, you're guilty, you're fucked. Get out of the country while you still can... Oscar? Are you even listening to me?
(looks down to see Bosey blowing Wilde as they speak.)
Wilde: Sorry, Robbie. I've gotta do what I've gotta do. I can win this... I just have to lie about EVERYTHING thats happened in this movie in the last 90 minutes and pretend I'm NOT being performed by Steven Fry, possibly the gayest man in the world. Besides, Bosey is fucking hot and played by Jude Law.
Bosey: (muffled) Word.
Robbie: Fine. DON'T listen to me. You never do anyway...
(Wilde goes to court)
Wilde: Straight man... blah blah blah... wife, kids... blah blah blah... Bosey's a friend...
Court: Dude, we have more evidence on you than OJ.
Wilde: Alright, fine. I'm gay. I'm SO gay they'll make a movie about me in about 100 years starring the gayest man of the age where I fuck anything that has a penis! Are you satisfied?!
Court: Yeah. You're sentenced to two years of hard labor...
Wilde: Damn.
(Wilde's put into a prison with only grey, no color.)
Wilde: (singing) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen... nobody knows my sorrow... (/singing) Wow, two years is a long fucking time to be in this place... and slowly but surely I'm becoming frail and my health is going downhill. I'm so pale I look like a fucking mime. But thats ok because I have LOVE. I have my wife and kids who I'll go back to and I'll write to Bosey and tell him I love him most of all but can't be with him cause I'm going to stay with my wife...
(Two years later)
Wilde: I'm free! I'm free! I'm... wait a second... my wife's dead?!
Robbie: Yup.
Wilde: And the courts won't let me see my kids now...
Robbie: Nope.
Wilde: Ah well. Back to that fine piece of ass, Bosey.
Robbie: (sighs) How did I know you were going to say that?
Wilde: Bosey!
Bosey: Oscar!
On Screen Narration: So Oscar and Bosey got back together for about 3 months and then broke up for good. Oscar died a little while later because his heath was so bad from jail. Bosey died later. Robbie died last and had his ashes put in with Oscar's coffin.
The End.
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That shit still holds up, IMO.
So I figured what the hell, texted her today and asked her if I could copy pasta it here for posterity. And she said yesh. :3
Originally posted by Mags back on Apr. 11th, 2005:
----------
So tonight I watched Wilde, a movie based on the life of Oscar Wilde. Much to the dismay (possibly) of anyone who enjoyed the movie or maybe never saw it, I would like to give to you now: Wilde In Shorthand.
Enjoy.
Wilde: Hi! I'm Oscar Wilde... I'm a married man with a pregnant woman and also have a female best friend. I'm played by Steven Fry who is quite possibly the most gay man in the entire world, thus making any sort of romantic scene with my onscreen wife completely awkward.
Wife: Wow! Here's the baby! Oscar? Oscar! Take a look
Wilde: In a moment, I'm busy looking longingly for unknown reasons at a young rentboy played by a very young 1997 Unknown Orlando Bloom.
Orlando: I've only got one line in this but have no fear my friends, this is definately NOT the last homoerotic role I'll be playing...
Wilde: Horray!
Wife: Oscar, you're always away from home and you're busy and for some reason we don't have a nanny yet. However I'm not worried at all because we have a family friend, Robbie, who will be hanging out with us both all the time.
Wilde: Ahhh... of course.
Robbie: (strips naked and rubs up against Wilde) Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side!
Wilde: Sweet! Dudes are freaking sexy and since I'm played by Steven Fry, the most gay man in the world the sex scenes with you are MUCH more believable!
(Boink Boink Boink, Clank Clank Clank.)
Wilde: Wow! My play is being performed and everyone thinks I'm damned sexy!
Sexy Boyfriend Number 2: That was a freaking hot play... and I'm so flaming they could make smores off me.
Wilde: Hmmmm... Flaming you say? Come with me, younger gentleman than I and we shall have mad passionate sex together!
Sexy BF2: Sure!
Robbie: Umm... ok... so I'll just wait here until you're done with him... ok? Oscar?
(Boink Boink Boink, Clank Clank Clank)
Wilde: Wow! Another one of my plays have made it big and everyone thinks I'm freaking awesome!
Sexy BF2: You left your knickers over my place last night... lets go back there and get them, k?
Wilde: Can't. I'm being summoned to talk to a young impressional and extremely vunderable Jude Law, er, I mean Bosey.
Bosey: Hi, I'm 'Master' Douglas but you can call me Bosey... everyone else calls me a Whiney Bitch but that can wait till later. I think you're wonderful... blah blah... My college is boring, wish you'd come stop by.
Wilde: Sure!
Robbie: (standing in the corner) Ummm... wait... this isn't quite right...
(Cut to the two of them walking down some tree lined way, arm in arm)
Bosey: (whine) No one loves me and my father beat me and my mother makes fun of me and no one loves me!
Wilde: Awwww... poor little blonde college boy. Put your head on my shoulder... now put it in my lap...
(Boink boink boink, clank clank clank)
Wife: We've got two kids now and you're nowhere to be seen. WTF?
Wilde: Busy writing... lots of shit to do...
Bosey: (whine) You've been telling your wife that you're out writing so you can get away from her and you're ACTUALLY WRITING? You're supposed to be fucking me until my ears fall off!
Wilde: Darling, you're being a whiney little bitch, you know. Now go off and do something while I actually do work to pay for this lavish lifestyle we all live.
Bosey: (whine) Fine! I hate you! Goodbye forever!
Wilde: Whatever, you whiney bitch.
Robbie: Horray! My turn again!
(time passes)
Bosey's Mom: Dude, I know that you were fucking Oscar Wilde, try not to make it a habit, ok? In fact you might just wanna quit now while you're ahead. Your dad's an asshole and if he finds out you're queer he'll kick your ass. Oh, and Wilde's evil or some junk.
Bosey: (whine) My mom and dad suck. I'm going to go back to Oscar...
Wilde: Horray! I have TWO plays simultaniously playing in two theatres in London and I couldn't be happier!
Bosey: Honey! I'm home!
Wilde: I was wondering what happened to you... sex without you just hasn't been the same!
Robbie: Hey! Standing right over here, you know!
Wilde: Now we can be together forever as I still support a wife and kids...
(boink boink boink, clank clank clank.)
Sexy BF#2: I'm back after a good half hour of having nothing to do with this movie... and this totally sucks. WHY is Wilde off fucking Jude Law? He was SO fucking me first!
Robbie: ... Ok, you DO know that he was with ME before you.
Sexy BF#2: Well, yeah, but thats different. (sulk) I hate Bosey. I want to kill him.
Robbie: Stop whining so much... if you don't we'll have to change YOUR name to whiney bitch and we can't have TWO whiney bitches in the same movie... besides Jude Law's WAY hotter than you. It would never work out.
Sexy BF#2: Fine. I'm going to go sulk for the rest of the movie. (grabs the bottle of booze nearby) Later.
(Meanwhile back at the ranch...)
Bosey's Dad: Blah! I'm your standard asshole who hates everything that isn't traditional and I beat people with my whip!
Wilde: Hey, Daddy-O! Your son has a great ass... let me charm the pants off of you!
Bosey's Dad: Yeah... whatever... Bosey, you can't see him again or you'll get no allowence...
Bosey: (whine) You're absurd!
Bosey's Dad: Was that an insult?
Bosey: (STILL whining) I hate you! I don't ever wanna see you again!
Bosey's Dad: (to Wilde) Stop fucking my son.
Wilde: Whatever...
Bosey's Dad: Oh yeah? Well take a look at what the courts have to say about everything you're doing... It IS a felony in this point in time you know!
Bosey: You have to fight him! Even though you have no money left due to my spending it all... and everything that he's bringing up against you is true... you have to fight him and sue him! I can't loose against him!
Robbie: (looks annoyed) You?
Bosey: I mean... WE can't lose against him!
Robbie: (pushes Bosey out of the way) Wilde, you're broke, you're guilty, you're fucked. Get out of the country while you still can... Oscar? Are you even listening to me?
(looks down to see Bosey blowing Wilde as they speak.)
Wilde: Sorry, Robbie. I've gotta do what I've gotta do. I can win this... I just have to lie about EVERYTHING thats happened in this movie in the last 90 minutes and pretend I'm NOT being performed by Steven Fry, possibly the gayest man in the world. Besides, Bosey is fucking hot and played by Jude Law.
Bosey: (muffled) Word.
Robbie: Fine. DON'T listen to me. You never do anyway...
(Wilde goes to court)
Wilde: Straight man... blah blah blah... wife, kids... blah blah blah... Bosey's a friend...
Court: Dude, we have more evidence on you than OJ.
Wilde: Alright, fine. I'm gay. I'm SO gay they'll make a movie about me in about 100 years starring the gayest man of the age where I fuck anything that has a penis! Are you satisfied?!
Court: Yeah. You're sentenced to two years of hard labor...
Wilde: Damn.
(Wilde's put into a prison with only grey, no color.)
Wilde: (singing) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen... nobody knows my sorrow... (/singing) Wow, two years is a long fucking time to be in this place... and slowly but surely I'm becoming frail and my health is going downhill. I'm so pale I look like a fucking mime. But thats ok because I have LOVE. I have my wife and kids who I'll go back to and I'll write to Bosey and tell him I love him most of all but can't be with him cause I'm going to stay with my wife...
(Two years later)
Wilde: I'm free! I'm free! I'm... wait a second... my wife's dead?!
Robbie: Yup.
Wilde: And the courts won't let me see my kids now...
Robbie: Nope.
Wilde: Ah well. Back to that fine piece of ass, Bosey.
Robbie: (sighs) How did I know you were going to say that?
Wilde: Bosey!
Bosey: Oscar!
On Screen Narration: So Oscar and Bosey got back together for about 3 months and then broke up for good. Oscar died a little while later because his heath was so bad from jail. Bosey died later. Robbie died last and had his ashes put in with Oscar's coffin.
The End.
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That shit still holds up, IMO.