idk anymore... update... idt so
hey everyone... its been a while since i have been on... partially b/c my summa has been very very hectic to say the least... actually, sucked is probably the best word to describe it, and ya i know its unfortunate to hear but i am actually excited to go back to school. I would rather deal with all the bull shit i have to do this year for school than go through a summer like this EVER AGAIN!!!, and believe me... for those of you who know my load at school this year ontop of classes, this is gonna be hell on earth... but better in comparison to all this summer has gone.
To start, as some of you guys know, my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer, stage IV, wich is called for immediate surgery when they found it, for it almost entered into her stomach. So after that, she got kicked out by her b/f, then she was let back in, only to have him beat her up. Of course this happens when i was in traffic in NY on my way to Philadelphia, and not when i am home to deal with it then at the time it happened. So that is one thing that has been breaking my back in taking care of, cuz no one else will. Secondly, jon was sent back from the marines on a medical leave, and has been going insane. He has listed me as next of kin and has been havin some seriously bad thoughts, which kinda scares me, cuz so does my mother. I know sometimes things can get tough... but life goes on, i think i learned that the hard way. I dont know what i would do if one of them was to do the unthinkable... i would probably lock myself away forever and never come out. And well the rest of the family is just at war with eachother, not to say that thats anything knew.
My family will be the death of me... or soon enough my illness will. I just recently found out that i was also diagnosed with fibromialgia... a rare disease that will just add to my every day bodily pain... cuz its like the same thing... but now its in my blood. I am soooo tired of wasting my life in this pain... and for all those ppl who say you have to put all the bad past behind you... its kind of hard when you live with it every day. Eventually, i am sure my research will hopefully find a cure for all that ails me and all the ppl i love and that are close to me... which also affects millions of ppl around the world... that would be a ultamite dream to be accomplished. The medications are getting to be expensive... the dr's everything is just bringing me down.
Work this summer also sucked... i worked in a lab for about 3 weeks, b/f losing my job... cuz my boss got fired... so did the whole dept. so i have been playing office bitch for various companies this summa... aka not fun at all. i just file and do cpu stuff... simple and boring stuff for decent pay... but sometimes the job drives you just completely out of your mind. On top of that, i have undertaken my own wrestling clinic and and volunteering to coach youth football this year... But again there will be no wrestling or football on my part...still waiting for grad school to take part in that. Now the hastle is also finding a job that will fit my scheduele for the school year, which wont be easy to find. IDK we'll see how everything else works out.
There is so much more... so much more that has gone wrong this summa... and i just dont feel like bitching to the world about everything... cuz this summa has had its moments of happiness and times where i could just smile and stuff. First, someone very close to me, someone who i hold dear to me, has come back into my life... and slowly i am hoping to get back into hers. I got a chance to tell her how i feel about her... which was a big step... but if there is any girl who i have ever truly loved with everything and then some, it is her. I looked into her eyes one night, and her into mine, we exchanged i love you's, three words that mean soo much, but still arent enough to go to describe how i feel about her.
Everything about her, the way she holds me, the way i feel just by being with her... not how she acts or wat she does... that comes secondary, but the feeling of just being with her... it makes me feel like i am in heaven, like i have come home... i find that little fixture of inner peace and fulfillment... the fullness of life and all its good things... all in being with her... my second half, my soul mate... in this life or some other... she has meaning in my life... eventhough this meaning is yet to be determined.... I just hope that things can go back to when we would just hold eachother... say nothing... and feel so alive and in the serenity of the best feeling you could possibly imagine... and that doesnt even come close... a time when all we did was smile and just because we had eachother... a time where, most easily said... everything in my life was just right. It's almost scary... seeing how everyone around me seems to be movin so fast in their lives, marriage, children, engagements... etc... and not to say that i am lookin for that, cuz im not until at least i am out of school... but i just hope to be careful enough not to ruin it... nor to jinx it... cuz i could see it happen... that is if she permits it. And maybe then... maybe all this war... this hell of life was all to lead me to her... the road less traveled by, the hard way... to get the greatest reward on this earthly island amongst the see of the heavens. I have to think that it has something to do with it... esp. with the new common cliche that everything happens for a reason. We went to philly, with some ohter ppl, and it was a good time... i am just hoping to spend more time with her... b/c it seems like i cant help but smile when i think of her... or when im with her... or anything about her. At one point in life i know that she shared this feeling... and not to say that it died, cuz i dont think that love dies... but its buried... deep beneath where she can feel. but its there.
Well who knows... i have been tryin to write poetry... something i do for leisure and something i do cuz i enjoy it... and my head is soo frazzeled i cant anymore... I also had minute menengitis this week, which gave me horrible headaches and the shakes. so all in all this summer really has sucked... but i am almost through it... and hopefully, but the looks of things... life will get better... idk if i am yet ready to take on this challenge/endeavour that lies b/f me in the rigors of school... but i am usualy up for any challenge. Hopefully, i will find my love again... and my happiness... and maybe perhaps my first key into wat the future of good fortune may hold for me...
live strong... head strong... Semper fidelis ero ad tuum, et amo tuo ero, et in meae studii es.
bon nuit, buenos noches, bon noche, g'night peace... love and good will :)
To start, as some of you guys know, my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer, stage IV, wich is called for immediate surgery when they found it, for it almost entered into her stomach. So after that, she got kicked out by her b/f, then she was let back in, only to have him beat her up. Of course this happens when i was in traffic in NY on my way to Philadelphia, and not when i am home to deal with it then at the time it happened. So that is one thing that has been breaking my back in taking care of, cuz no one else will. Secondly, jon was sent back from the marines on a medical leave, and has been going insane. He has listed me as next of kin and has been havin some seriously bad thoughts, which kinda scares me, cuz so does my mother. I know sometimes things can get tough... but life goes on, i think i learned that the hard way. I dont know what i would do if one of them was to do the unthinkable... i would probably lock myself away forever and never come out. And well the rest of the family is just at war with eachother, not to say that thats anything knew.
My family will be the death of me... or soon enough my illness will. I just recently found out that i was also diagnosed with fibromialgia... a rare disease that will just add to my every day bodily pain... cuz its like the same thing... but now its in my blood. I am soooo tired of wasting my life in this pain... and for all those ppl who say you have to put all the bad past behind you... its kind of hard when you live with it every day. Eventually, i am sure my research will hopefully find a cure for all that ails me and all the ppl i love and that are close to me... which also affects millions of ppl around the world... that would be a ultamite dream to be accomplished. The medications are getting to be expensive... the dr's everything is just bringing me down.
Work this summer also sucked... i worked in a lab for about 3 weeks, b/f losing my job... cuz my boss got fired... so did the whole dept. so i have been playing office bitch for various companies this summa... aka not fun at all. i just file and do cpu stuff... simple and boring stuff for decent pay... but sometimes the job drives you just completely out of your mind. On top of that, i have undertaken my own wrestling clinic and and volunteering to coach youth football this year... But again there will be no wrestling or football on my part...still waiting for grad school to take part in that. Now the hastle is also finding a job that will fit my scheduele for the school year, which wont be easy to find. IDK we'll see how everything else works out.
There is so much more... so much more that has gone wrong this summa... and i just dont feel like bitching to the world about everything... cuz this summa has had its moments of happiness and times where i could just smile and stuff. First, someone very close to me, someone who i hold dear to me, has come back into my life... and slowly i am hoping to get back into hers. I got a chance to tell her how i feel about her... which was a big step... but if there is any girl who i have ever truly loved with everything and then some, it is her. I looked into her eyes one night, and her into mine, we exchanged i love you's, three words that mean soo much, but still arent enough to go to describe how i feel about her.
Everything about her, the way she holds me, the way i feel just by being with her... not how she acts or wat she does... that comes secondary, but the feeling of just being with her... it makes me feel like i am in heaven, like i have come home... i find that little fixture of inner peace and fulfillment... the fullness of life and all its good things... all in being with her... my second half, my soul mate... in this life or some other... she has meaning in my life... eventhough this meaning is yet to be determined.... I just hope that things can go back to when we would just hold eachother... say nothing... and feel so alive and in the serenity of the best feeling you could possibly imagine... and that doesnt even come close... a time when all we did was smile and just because we had eachother... a time where, most easily said... everything in my life was just right. It's almost scary... seeing how everyone around me seems to be movin so fast in their lives, marriage, children, engagements... etc... and not to say that i am lookin for that, cuz im not until at least i am out of school... but i just hope to be careful enough not to ruin it... nor to jinx it... cuz i could see it happen... that is if she permits it. And maybe then... maybe all this war... this hell of life was all to lead me to her... the road less traveled by, the hard way... to get the greatest reward on this earthly island amongst the see of the heavens. I have to think that it has something to do with it... esp. with the new common cliche that everything happens for a reason. We went to philly, with some ohter ppl, and it was a good time... i am just hoping to spend more time with her... b/c it seems like i cant help but smile when i think of her... or when im with her... or anything about her. At one point in life i know that she shared this feeling... and not to say that it died, cuz i dont think that love dies... but its buried... deep beneath where she can feel. but its there.
Well who knows... i have been tryin to write poetry... something i do for leisure and something i do cuz i enjoy it... and my head is soo frazzeled i cant anymore... I also had minute menengitis this week, which gave me horrible headaches and the shakes. so all in all this summer really has sucked... but i am almost through it... and hopefully, but the looks of things... life will get better... idk if i am yet ready to take on this challenge/endeavour that lies b/f me in the rigors of school... but i am usualy up for any challenge. Hopefully, i will find my love again... and my happiness... and maybe perhaps my first key into wat the future of good fortune may hold for me...
live strong... head strong... Semper fidelis ero ad tuum, et amo tuo ero, et in meae studii es.
bon nuit, buenos noches, bon noche, g'night peace... love and good will :)