response to poetrymichaelgriffithOctober 5 2008, 02:36:18 UTC
Hi Matt... as a first attempt at poetry this is awesome - and somehow your choice of language- especially the word sounds themselves- seem to set the tone for the harrowing experience(s) that lies behind this poem (gathered together, words like "Rampaging" "uncaged" "gutter" "grasping"... seem to capture - in their use of harsh consonants- the associated traumas. ) And yet the poem comes to a sense of serenity and awakening... so the poem really moves through certain states, to a generous conclusion. Well done. Having said that, I would not stop there... there is still work to be done to make the poem sing even more powerfully. What do I mean? Read the poem aloud and see what words you might change, tweak, reorganize... just like a musician, making sure the band is playing together in tune... whether it is a savage ascent or a climb down to the green valley.... Let me try working on two of your stanzas to see what I would do... ( I am sure you would do differently)- here goes:
Rampaging, uncaged Destruction the journey Defeat ending on a gurney
Suffering, Torture, Death Relief would not come Insanity, disease the end of some
But as I read the poem again trying to do this editing, I am more impressed by the instinctive power in your original word choice. But maybe you can see what I am trying to do... pare away what is necessary... make the core meaning shine out with more impact....hope that helps. Keep up the great work. Michael
Having said that, I would not stop there... there is still work to be done to make the poem sing even more powerfully. What do I mean? Read the poem aloud and see what words you might change, tweak, reorganize... just like a musician, making sure the band is playing together in tune... whether it is a savage ascent or a climb down to the green valley....
Let me try working on two of your stanzas to see what I would do... ( I am sure you would do differently)- here goes:
Rampaging, uncaged
Destruction the journey
Defeat ending on a gurney
Suffering, Torture, Death
Relief would not come
Insanity, disease the end of some
But as I read the poem again trying to do this editing, I am more impressed by the instinctive power in your original word choice. But maybe you can see what I am trying to do... pare away what is necessary... make the core meaning shine out with more impact....hope that helps. Keep up the great work.
Michael
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