(no subject)
i really miss chez sometimes. like right now. i am a lot like she was. things really fuck me up sometimes. i'm not saying that i'm at, or will get to, the spot she's in now. but i have intense moments of anxiety and fear. and tonight was the first time that i couldn't hne in on what was making me feel this way. i spent all day with katie and it was really fun. but even so i thought, "i am overweight. and that is not attractive" and i know that is fucked up, but i can't help it. i have issues with my body. i am a compulsive, binge eater. i smoke too much. i drink too much. i watch too much tv. i'm not very active. and most of the time i am really happy. but i feel sort of fed up with myself. it's difficult to change things about myself. and i know it's all my fault. but some of those problems exist to comfort myself. so what do i do? stop drinking? stop smoking? when i stop smoking, i eat too much. i feel like drinking is the only social thing to do with people around here. i ask myself if i can have fun with drunk people if i am sober. things were way easier when i was co-dependent on kate. now that i have spent time with myself and learned about myself, the more i do these self defeating things. i think i've finally learned that i don't know anything. which might be a good starting point. blah blah. and i am rterrible at saying exactly what i want to. finding the right words to express myself. i guess i don't feel like i have the ability to fix myself. so i am going to try some new things to work on these issues and it would be really great to have some support. if anyone is reading this. i just feel like i should admit this to people and just put it out there.