i dont know.

Dec 16, 2006 23:29

my life is a bummer. always.
it get a little better. but it always feels like 2 steps foward and 3 back.
i found amanda. but now with her working and me having to find a job, we shall never see each other. it makes me sad. shes going to be working so much. i dont know i mean i know we fight and i know im inscure and need to be held and close to someone and be told "i love you" and stuff, but it feels now like shes just dealing with me being around not loving me the same way i love her. i know shes not affectionate. but i need her to be. i wish i could tell her. i wish she understoond the pain of growning up like i did. and the pain of being both neglected and under such close watch it felt like i couldnt move.
i wish you could all under stand these words. but you cant. you mighttry to get it. you might even almost get it. but what i need nobody ever understands. not even the people i tell it too. how can you understand if you life is perfect. how can you understand if you havent had to go thru anything like what i have?
it doesnt make sense to me how people arent always affectionate. how can you not want to be near, holding, kissing, whispering to, feeling the person you love. i just dont get it. i mean i grew up with no love at all. but does being loved soo much as a child prevent you from showing love as an adult... it doesnt make sense to me.
well im tired now.
and ive written alot.
mostly about nothing.
so goodnight. but ill leave you with this.
what if im an empty shell that turns into what you need to be happy, thus making me happy in return. what if theres no me at all?
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