Arrival
I have been crying every day for the first time in a long time.
When I lost what was love, I cried about it all the time. When I saw how truly perverse it was, I stopped. It was a combination of two very healthy things--in my opinion: Letting go, and putting my guard up. It's like I knew disaster was coming, and I knew that if I stayed above ground, I would die. But something I wanted was there. And one day I finally understood that there was no way it would come down with me, so I had to let go, and head for cover.
Now I'm coming up. My guard is coming down. I'm ready to hold on again. Only this time, I'm more aware. I'm not perfected; I recognize that I'm going to continue to make mistakes. But in my estimation, I've realized a lot of things that will help me make better decisions, and realized the limitations of my estimation, so that I can doubt what I want to believe is sure. But I'm ready to find something worth holding on to.
And so, I have been crying every day. My tears are spurred on by Boy Meets World; which brings me back to before anything bad happened. Going to school, unsure of life and where it is going, but knowing that there was something about this enchanting little show that resonated with my soul. About a boy, who isn't giving up on himself. About people who love him, because they love themselves and those things they are responsible for. About transcendent love, which weathered the elements. I couldn't understand what it was about this that hit me so hard. I'm still not entirely sure. But the feeling never left, and it brings me to tears.
I've been so unmotivated lately; I'm no longer in my bunker, in work mode. I'm in existential mode, looking for something worth living for. Looking for a painting to appreciate; a masterpiece. Looking for things worth doing, not because of how they'll affect my work situation 15 years down the road, but because they'll affect me, as a person, right now. Looking for connection. Looking for trust. Looking for accountability. Looking for love. Looking for a masterpiece.
When I lost what was love, I cried about it all the time. When I saw how truly perverse it was, I stopped. It was a combination of two very healthy things--in my opinion: Letting go, and putting my guard up. It's like I knew disaster was coming, and I knew that if I stayed above ground, I would die. But something I wanted was there. And one day I finally understood that there was no way it would come down with me, so I had to let go, and head for cover.
Now I'm coming up. My guard is coming down. I'm ready to hold on again. Only this time, I'm more aware. I'm not perfected; I recognize that I'm going to continue to make mistakes. But in my estimation, I've realized a lot of things that will help me make better decisions, and realized the limitations of my estimation, so that I can doubt what I want to believe is sure. But I'm ready to find something worth holding on to.
And so, I have been crying every day. My tears are spurred on by Boy Meets World; which brings me back to before anything bad happened. Going to school, unsure of life and where it is going, but knowing that there was something about this enchanting little show that resonated with my soul. About a boy, who isn't giving up on himself. About people who love him, because they love themselves and those things they are responsible for. About transcendent love, which weathered the elements. I couldn't understand what it was about this that hit me so hard. I'm still not entirely sure. But the feeling never left, and it brings me to tears.
I've been so unmotivated lately; I'm no longer in my bunker, in work mode. I'm in existential mode, looking for something worth living for. Looking for a painting to appreciate; a masterpiece. Looking for things worth doing, not because of how they'll affect my work situation 15 years down the road, but because they'll affect me, as a person, right now. Looking for connection. Looking for trust. Looking for accountability. Looking for love. Looking for a masterpiece.