(no subject)

[mattshottie]

I havent talk to him since saturday. And it bothers me that I dont really mind not talking to him. I mean if I really loved him I should be hurting so bad right now. But im now. For the first time in several months im actually happy. Im actually having fun. I love this feeling but I hate it at the same time. I wanted a break to figure out if I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life...and I guess I figured it out. But in the back of my mind I cant keep thinking about if I really made the right choice. I hope I did. I hope we both find what we are looking for. And if in the end life brings us back to each other then so be it. I feel like I've wasted the last year and a half of my life. Wasted it on feeling that I was sure I had. And maybe I did have them. But Im not sure anymore. Im not sure if he really had feeling for me. I want to call him but I know if I hear his voice its just going to hurt. And I will just feel better if I dont know whats going on in his life. I hate feeling like the "everything" we had was nothing. I just what him to know that I hope shes worth it. And that I hope shes something special. And that I miss him so much sometimes. And that im trying to be strong. But its hard. I feel like im living for nothing. I wake up in the morning and I feel like I dont have anything to look forward to. But I guess you just have to get over it. Deal with it. Because its not going to go back to being like it was. Life would be so much easier if you didnt feel. This sucks. Thats all.

<3 Jen