all the efforts of the human mind cannot exhaust the essence of a single fly.
i don't write in this livejournal very frequently. i'm not quite sure who would want to read it. but my purpose for writing isn't exactly based upon the readers. true i want to encourage people, but this is just a terrible outlet. let's get personal. i have masturbated in the past 24 hours, and i am most definitely not proud of it. i don't see it as something to beat myself up about. i was going for six plus months strong, then blew it a couple of weeks ago. then i blew it more recently. it is a killer. my baser instincts based upon self-satisfaction and lust, the filthiest aspects of myself, which infiltrate my heart and mind, dwelling deep where i have forbid sanctification thus far, have been creeping up on me.
perhaps masturbation is not so bad if it is such a "natural" thing? i would argue quite the contrary. i have defiled myself. now, masturbation or not, i defile myself daily, but this sort of sexual sin affects me so deeply, yet it is such a struggle. the girl that i have fond feelings for, bailey is returning tonight from serving at a camp in north carolina for a month and a half. i cannot present myself pure before her. how much i would love to approach her and say "i am remaining pure, as to glorify God, and to remain devoted to you as the young woman who's company i enjoy beyond any other, and remaining pure as to maintain sexual integrity, bringing myself to my wife in the future without such sexual blemishes." but i cannot say that. i don't have to say a thing at all, but i would much prefer to approach her not having any baggage. that is one of the many glorious things about Christ.
o how You have died for my sin
that i might be clean
and that i might live a life
in fellowship with You
experiencing every aspect
as Your Spirit dwells within my heart
and You change my life.
i can come to bailey with a pure heart and pursue a great relationship as we are deciding to adopt the title. but most importantly, i can come to God with a pure heart, as Christ takes away my sin and imputes is righteousness upon me. how He has taught me dignity. how He has taught me love. how He is teaching and teaching, sharpening and sharpening, giving and giving, taking and taking.
"do you wish to be great? then begin by being. do you desire to construct a vast and lofty fabric? think first about the foundations of humility. the higher your structure is to be, the deeper must be its foundation."
augustine
perhaps masturbation is not so bad if it is such a "natural" thing? i would argue quite the contrary. i have defiled myself. now, masturbation or not, i defile myself daily, but this sort of sexual sin affects me so deeply, yet it is such a struggle. the girl that i have fond feelings for, bailey is returning tonight from serving at a camp in north carolina for a month and a half. i cannot present myself pure before her. how much i would love to approach her and say "i am remaining pure, as to glorify God, and to remain devoted to you as the young woman who's company i enjoy beyond any other, and remaining pure as to maintain sexual integrity, bringing myself to my wife in the future without such sexual blemishes." but i cannot say that. i don't have to say a thing at all, but i would much prefer to approach her not having any baggage. that is one of the many glorious things about Christ.
o how You have died for my sin
that i might be clean
and that i might live a life
in fellowship with You
experiencing every aspect
as Your Spirit dwells within my heart
and You change my life.
i can come to bailey with a pure heart and pursue a great relationship as we are deciding to adopt the title. but most importantly, i can come to God with a pure heart, as Christ takes away my sin and imputes is righteousness upon me. how He has taught me dignity. how He has taught me love. how He is teaching and teaching, sharpening and sharpening, giving and giving, taking and taking.
"do you wish to be great? then begin by being. do you desire to construct a vast and lofty fabric? think first about the foundations of humility. the higher your structure is to be, the deeper must be its foundation."
augustine