i am not dead.

[mattsharp]

i was about to die. like a battery that had run out of electricity. every night i tried to bring the battery a little more electricity, you know like how you can do with a lighter to a battery. well, by morning it would all be gone, and i would actually be somewhat emptier than before. this morning after ruining a church service for a friend, i decided to try to run the battery completely down somewhat naturally. have a bad asthma attack with no inhaler? so i ran a few blocks as fast as i could, then shutdown time. every second i would stumble. i have no idea how i stayed up. with what breath i could muster up i yelled out "you failed." now, for the past three months that was something i said to myself, "elijah, you failed." but as i looked at the ground on that street corner, i realized what i had to do. that "you failed" was to the devil or whatever cruel beings had been tricking me and eating away at my life. they could do hardly anything alone, lest God gave them permission, which He might have, but what was important is how much i gave in and how much i am satan myself. but at that point on the corner, i yelled out straight to the devil. Jesus and i hadn't been on the best of terms. even though i read my bible and pray, i felt this disconnection like i had never felt before. i felt so alone, more alone than ever. back to that asthmatic street corner; i was standing, hardly standing there telling satan himself to leave me. i told him that he had failed and that i was not going to die then. maybe i'll die in my sleep tonight, but not then, at 10:45 this morning. i told satan that my life is only to serve one, and that one is not him nor is it myself, but (this is where i laid it on thickly) Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.
it was probably the most honestly i have ever said that statement since i became a Christian. i knew God was on my side. i knew i wasn't alone. i felt God's precious love and beautiful glory beating on my back as we both faced satan. i commanded these burdens to leave me. my chest pain began to leave and i smiled, the first real smile in months. last night i was crying myself to sleep, thinking about how much i wanted to go back to my childhood and i just wanted my mother to hold me in her arms and rock me and tell me how much she loved me. i never had realized how much pain such thoughts would have caused me. i just wanted her to hold me in her arms and tell me how much she loved me, how much she really loved me. it breaks me up inside to say that even now, but what i realize how is that Jesus is holding me in His arms telling me He loves me. maybe He is not physically here Himself, but aside from this figurative hug i feel it from you bailey, and you brenda, and you alex, and you graham, and you erin, and you tiffany, and you sarah, and you hannah, and you phillip, and you jason, and you troy, and you chris, and you allie-marie, and you daniel, and you aaron, and you doug, and you bobby, and you jeff. i am healed.