"I Saw Our Sad Messiah"
"He was bored and tired of my laments.
He said 'I died for you one time but never again'."
- - - - - - - - - -
Man, I've been going through a lot of old emails/messages from past events in my life and it's been bringing up a lot of interesting feelings: The different friendships going through their own emotional roller coasters, going to Chicago, meeting up with old faces, flirting. Man, it's a rush. Pretty cool, and yet kind of lame cuz there's a whole bunch of things I'd rather forget forever and not have had to deal with. But, wouldn't we all? Aren't there things in your life that you'd rather not have dealt with when it happened? I sure do. Then again, those are a whole bunch of things that have happened in my life that I'd rather have happen earlier in my life than later.
For instance cheating and being cheated on. Both of those events were clearly retarded and fucked me up for quite some time. Hell, I'm still dealing with all of those issues. First off when you take the situation in hand - finally being in a relationship that I actually gave my all for, where it was everything that I wanted and needed - and then you mix in the craziness of having her make out with somebody over seas then tell me immediately over the phone... well, that just really screwed me up for a good long while. We talked about it for a good long while, then I had a good long emotional purge with my mommy in hand. My gf and I talked a bunch in the following days, and she never really seemed as sorry as she did that first day on the phone. But how could she? It wasn't like I was expecting her to burn in hell for all eternity.
Or was I?
Either way, it screwed me up so much that I went out and made out with somebody else as well. And somehow it didn't make it better, it made it much, much worse. What's even more f-ed up about the whole situation is that she told me that what I had done was worse than what she had done to me. As if she could suddenly judge and tell the difference between the two wrongs. She must have only been an accessory to a make out session where as I was the perpetrator to a make out session. Somehow what she had done was out of longing and need, what I had done was only out of anger and hate and that's what made it worse. Or... whatever.
Either way, she then went about telling me what to do, who to hang out with and where to go. I told her to go f herself (not exactly in those words), because I wasn't exactly going to listen to her now after all that had just happened within the past couple of weeks. I really wasn't in the right mind to listen to anything she had to say and ... well .. I just wasn't in the right mind. Obviously because I had already set my sights on messing up my relationship. That sounds like a win win situation now don't it? *sigh* Man do I make shitty decisions.
Where was I going with this?
After all that crap had happened we decided the best thing for us would be to take a two week vacation away from the world and go to Germany together. Well, not really together since I would be meeting her there but still. And those two weeks were amazing. We totally forgot about the past and just moved forward as if nothing had happened. Which was great. I had a blast in Germany and loved hanging out with her, her family, and the wonderfully oldness that surrounded me. But it wasn't a permanent vacation, so we had to come back to reality sometime. And when we did, all things slowly but surely came crashing down. By the time she left for school again I was all messed up and never the same. We fought like we used to and never really cared what would happen one minute to the next. Blah.
I guess I'm just upset that the relationship that I was having so much fun with suddenly turned into shit. And it wasn't something that I did, at first, but then there was just no saving this led zeppelin, now was there? We were going down and it sucked that we had to keep it a float for as long as we did only to have it fail on us in a big way. We spent the better part of six years being big parts of each others lives. For better or worse, we completed each other. Now there's a huge hole where my heart used to be... or however that line goes.
I'm not really sure I'm all "perspective guy" here, but I can certainly say that I'm better off leaving that bloody mess in the past and moving on for the better. Which is what is interesting about reading a lot of these old messages, they don't have as much effect over me as they once did. They certainly bring up past emotions and crazy drama that I find myself in time and time again, but for the most part I usually end up for the better and tend to come out on top. It's funny how I seem to keep getting myself into these kind of things, and maybe there's a lesson to be learned there, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love each and every different part about my life and I know that there are only good things around the corner.
"Well personally, I kinda wanna slay the dragon."
Damn straight.
He said 'I died for you one time but never again'."
- - - - - - - - - -
Man, I've been going through a lot of old emails/messages from past events in my life and it's been bringing up a lot of interesting feelings: The different friendships going through their own emotional roller coasters, going to Chicago, meeting up with old faces, flirting. Man, it's a rush. Pretty cool, and yet kind of lame cuz there's a whole bunch of things I'd rather forget forever and not have had to deal with. But, wouldn't we all? Aren't there things in your life that you'd rather not have dealt with when it happened? I sure do. Then again, those are a whole bunch of things that have happened in my life that I'd rather have happen earlier in my life than later.
For instance cheating and being cheated on. Both of those events were clearly retarded and fucked me up for quite some time. Hell, I'm still dealing with all of those issues. First off when you take the situation in hand - finally being in a relationship that I actually gave my all for, where it was everything that I wanted and needed - and then you mix in the craziness of having her make out with somebody over seas then tell me immediately over the phone... well, that just really screwed me up for a good long while. We talked about it for a good long while, then I had a good long emotional purge with my mommy in hand. My gf and I talked a bunch in the following days, and she never really seemed as sorry as she did that first day on the phone. But how could she? It wasn't like I was expecting her to burn in hell for all eternity.
Or was I?
Either way, it screwed me up so much that I went out and made out with somebody else as well. And somehow it didn't make it better, it made it much, much worse. What's even more f-ed up about the whole situation is that she told me that what I had done was worse than what she had done to me. As if she could suddenly judge and tell the difference between the two wrongs. She must have only been an accessory to a make out session where as I was the perpetrator to a make out session. Somehow what she had done was out of longing and need, what I had done was only out of anger and hate and that's what made it worse. Or... whatever.
Either way, she then went about telling me what to do, who to hang out with and where to go. I told her to go f herself (not exactly in those words), because I wasn't exactly going to listen to her now after all that had just happened within the past couple of weeks. I really wasn't in the right mind to listen to anything she had to say and ... well .. I just wasn't in the right mind. Obviously because I had already set my sights on messing up my relationship. That sounds like a win win situation now don't it? *sigh* Man do I make shitty decisions.
Where was I going with this?
After all that crap had happened we decided the best thing for us would be to take a two week vacation away from the world and go to Germany together. Well, not really together since I would be meeting her there but still. And those two weeks were amazing. We totally forgot about the past and just moved forward as if nothing had happened. Which was great. I had a blast in Germany and loved hanging out with her, her family, and the wonderfully oldness that surrounded me. But it wasn't a permanent vacation, so we had to come back to reality sometime. And when we did, all things slowly but surely came crashing down. By the time she left for school again I was all messed up and never the same. We fought like we used to and never really cared what would happen one minute to the next. Blah.
I guess I'm just upset that the relationship that I was having so much fun with suddenly turned into shit. And it wasn't something that I did, at first, but then there was just no saving this led zeppelin, now was there? We were going down and it sucked that we had to keep it a float for as long as we did only to have it fail on us in a big way. We spent the better part of six years being big parts of each others lives. For better or worse, we completed each other. Now there's a huge hole where my heart used to be... or however that line goes.
I'm not really sure I'm all "perspective guy" here, but I can certainly say that I'm better off leaving that bloody mess in the past and moving on for the better. Which is what is interesting about reading a lot of these old messages, they don't have as much effect over me as they once did. They certainly bring up past emotions and crazy drama that I find myself in time and time again, but for the most part I usually end up for the better and tend to come out on top. It's funny how I seem to keep getting myself into these kind of things, and maybe there's a lesson to be learned there, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love each and every different part about my life and I know that there are only good things around the corner.
"Well personally, I kinda wanna slay the dragon."
Damn straight.