Laugh much?
Since I'm in the long, slow, process of changing email addresses, I'm cleaning out all my old emails... so I thought I'd put up all the good stuff I've saved over the years.
ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS
Cartoon Law I =============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II ==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III ===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV ==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it
unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V =============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the
crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI ==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII ===============
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII ================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX ==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X ==============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law XI ==============
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law XII ==============
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For
instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law XIII ==============
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law XIV ==============
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law XV ==============
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which Cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick-sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue...
"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~ she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~ she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
~ she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
~ under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~ she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~ at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put 'Sagittarius.'
~ she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
~ if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speachless.
~ she studied for a blood test.
~ she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
~ she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~ she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
~ she sold the car for gas money.
~ when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~ she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~ when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A TABLET.
1. PICK UP CAT AND CRADLE IT IN THE CROOK OF YOUR ARM AS IF YOU ARE HOLDING A BABY. POSITION RIGHT FOREFINGER AND THUMB ON EITHER SIDE OF CAT'S MOUTH AND GENTLY APPLY PRESSURE TO CHEEKS WHILE HOLDING TABLET IN RIGHT HAND. AS CAT OPENS MOUTH, POP TABLET INTO MOUTH. ALLOW CAT TO CLOSE MOUTH AND SWALLOW.
2. RETRIEVE TABLET FROM FLOOR AND CAT FROM BEHIND SOFA. CRADLE CAT IN LEFT ARM AND REPEAT PROCESS.
3. RETRIEVE CAT FROM BEDROOM AND THROW SOGGY TABLET AWAY.
4. TAKE NEW TABLET FROM FOIL WRAP, CRADLE CAT IN LEFT ARM HOLDING REAR PAWS TIGHTLY WITH LEFT HAND. FORCE JAWS OPEN AND PUSH TABLET TO BACK OF MOUTH WITH RIGHT FOREFINGER. HOLD MOUTH SHUT FOR A COUNT OF 10.
5. RETRIEVE TABLET FROM GOLDFISH BOWL AND CAT FROM TOP OF WARDROBE. CALL SPOUSE FROM GARDEN.
6. KNEEL ON FLOOR WITH CAT WEDGED FIRMLY BETWEEN KNEES, HOLDING FRONT AND REAR PAWS. IGNORE LOW GROWLS EMITTED BY CAT. GET SPOUSE TO HOLD CAT'S HEAD FIRMLY WITH ONE HAND WHILST FORCING WOODEN RULER INTO MOUTH. DROP TABLET DOWN RULER AND RUB CAT'S THROAT VIGOROUSLY.
7. RETRIEVE CAT FROM CURTAIN RAIL, GET ANOTHER TABLET FROM FOIL WRAP. MAKE NOTE TO BUY NEW RULER AND REPAIR CURTAINS. CAREFULLY SWEEP SHATTERED FIGURINES FROM THE FIREPLACE AND SET TO ONE SIDE FOR GLUING LATER.
8. WRAP CAT IN LARGE TOWEL AND GET SPOUSE TO LIE ON CAT WITH ITS HEAD JUST VISIBLE FROM BELOW SPOUSE'S ARMPIT. PUT TABLET IN END OF DRINKING STRAW. FORCE CAT'S MOUTH OPEN WITH PENCIL AND BLOW DOWN DRINKING STRAW.
9. CHECK LABELS TO MAKE SURE TABLET IS NOT HARMFUL TO HUMANS, DRINK GLASS OF WATER TO TAKE TASTE AWAY. APPLY BAND AID TO SPOUSE'S FOREARM AND REMOVE BLOOD FROM CARPET WITH COLD WATER AND SOAP.
10. RETRIEVE CAT FROM NEIGHBOUR'S SHED. GET ANOTHER TABLET FROM FOIL. PLACE CAT IN CUPBOARD AND CLOSE DOOR ONTO NECK TO LEAVE HEAD SHOWING. FORCE MOUTH OPEN WITH DESSERT SPOON . FLICK TABLET DOWN THROAT WITH ELASTIC BAND.
11. FETCH SCREWDRIVER FROM GARAGE AND PUT DOOR BACK ON HINGES. APPLY COLD COMPRESS TO CHEEK AND CHECK RECORDS OF LAST TETANUS SHOT. THROW T-SHIRT AWAY AND GET NEW ONE FROM BEDROOM.
12. RING THE FIRE BRIGADE TO RETRIEVE THE CAT FROM THE TREE ACROSS THE ROAD. APOLOGIZE TO NEIGHBOUR WHO CRASHED INTO FENCE WHILST SWERVING TO AVOID CAT. TAKE LAST TABLET FROM FOIL.
13. TIE CAT'S FRONT PAWS TO REAR PAWS WITH GARDEN TWINE AND BIND TIGHTLY TO LEG OF DINING TABLE. FIND HEAVY DUTY PRUNING GLOVES FROM SHED. FORCE CAT'S MOUTH OPEN WITH SMALL SPANNER, PUSH TABLET INTO MOUTH FOLLOWED BY A LARGE PIECE OF FILLET STEAK. HOLD HEAD VERTICALLY AND POUR PINT OF WATER DOWN CAT'S THROAT TO WASH TABLET DOWN.
14. GET SPOUSE TO DRIVE YOU TO EMERGENCY ROOM, SIT QUIETLY WHILE DOCTOR STITCHES FINGERS AND FOREARM AND REMOVES TABLET REMNANTS FROM RIGHT EYE. STOP BY FURNITURE SHOP AND ORDER A NEW TABLE.
15. ARRANGE FOR VET TO MAKE A HOUSE CALL.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won, I won! 3rd timethis week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
The REAL Titanic Story
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASLEY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DECAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DeCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiance's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiance, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure that my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person in the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!
***
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, there is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at the Wynnsong Theatre in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happenned.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
***
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink.
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: This can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
CAPTAIN: That was irony, you fools!
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
***
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that the boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course you going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though, I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELY FIANCE: I hate you people.
***
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR OLD KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten in an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my head hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge
diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)
More Blonde Jokes
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks." The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"
They argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - poof - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." - - - poof - - -
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Did you hear about the blonde that...
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
15. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.
16. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down"
Problem:
Ten blondes and a brunette were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They knew that one of them needed to let go because the weight of all eleven of them would tear the rope and they would all die.
So, they argued back and forth about who was to let go. This went on for a few minutes, until the brunette finally said, "Ok, I'll let go!"
The brunette gave a little speech about why she would go and said her farewells. All of the blondes were so touched, they started clapping.
Problem solved.
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
WARNING LABELS
On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
(Bugger, what am I gonna use now???)
On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
(Ya don't say....)
On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On an American Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter's special!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious!)
On British Sainsbury's peanuts:
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a Canadian child's Superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
On some British frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
(Which one??)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"DO NOT DRIVE A CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY AFTER TAKING THIS MEDICATION."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh! Isn't that the point???)
On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and apply a new definition.
Here are the 2003 winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
RULES FOR FLYING
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
THE “REAL” CHAIN MAIL
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Keep Scrolling
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.
So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, s he died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.
Send it to all your friends.
FRIENDS:
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, wh ose only savior is the 5 cents per
letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
THE WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the boot, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Pussy!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
What do you use those rubber gloves for?
At Sydney Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a Qantas flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al Gebra movement.
He has been charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
EVER WONDERED…
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while
dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used
for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so
safe?
STRANGE SEX LAWS
1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like that makes sense.)
2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection with a mirror. (Makes you hope that you never need surgery.)
3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick???)
4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)
5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (but of course! Maybe they pretend to be mermaids?)
8. In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, but the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room the witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law??)
10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is America a great country or what? .. Not as great as Guam though!!!)
TEN REASONS WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS
1.Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
2.Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3.Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
4.Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
5.It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6.In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
7.If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
8.If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9.We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10.If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
7) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
8) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9) What do you call male ballerinas?
10) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
12) Why are Trix only for kids?
13) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
14) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19) If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
20) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
21) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
22) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
23) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
LATE NIGHT IRAQ
"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good healthcare plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida."
- Jay Leno
"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN towage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."
- David Letterman
"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline."
-Jay Leno
"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president."
- Jay Leno
"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for
Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out."
- Jay Leno
"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?"
- Jay Leno
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded."
- Jay Leno
"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."
- Jay Leno
"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bushto a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them."
- Jay Leno
"Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio."
- Jay Leno
ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS
Cartoon Law I =============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II ==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III ===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV ==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it
unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V =============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the
crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI ==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII ===============
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII ================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX ==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X ==============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law XI ==============
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law XII ==============
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For
instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law XIII ==============
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law XIV ==============
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law XV ==============
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which Cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick-sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue...
"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~ she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~ she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
~ she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
~ under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~ she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~ at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put 'Sagittarius.'
~ she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
~ if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speachless.
~ she studied for a blood test.
~ she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
~ she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~ she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
~ she sold the car for gas money.
~ when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~ she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~ when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A TABLET.
1. PICK UP CAT AND CRADLE IT IN THE CROOK OF YOUR ARM AS IF YOU ARE HOLDING A BABY. POSITION RIGHT FOREFINGER AND THUMB ON EITHER SIDE OF CAT'S MOUTH AND GENTLY APPLY PRESSURE TO CHEEKS WHILE HOLDING TABLET IN RIGHT HAND. AS CAT OPENS MOUTH, POP TABLET INTO MOUTH. ALLOW CAT TO CLOSE MOUTH AND SWALLOW.
2. RETRIEVE TABLET FROM FLOOR AND CAT FROM BEHIND SOFA. CRADLE CAT IN LEFT ARM AND REPEAT PROCESS.
3. RETRIEVE CAT FROM BEDROOM AND THROW SOGGY TABLET AWAY.
4. TAKE NEW TABLET FROM FOIL WRAP, CRADLE CAT IN LEFT ARM HOLDING REAR PAWS TIGHTLY WITH LEFT HAND. FORCE JAWS OPEN AND PUSH TABLET TO BACK OF MOUTH WITH RIGHT FOREFINGER. HOLD MOUTH SHUT FOR A COUNT OF 10.
5. RETRIEVE TABLET FROM GOLDFISH BOWL AND CAT FROM TOP OF WARDROBE. CALL SPOUSE FROM GARDEN.
6. KNEEL ON FLOOR WITH CAT WEDGED FIRMLY BETWEEN KNEES, HOLDING FRONT AND REAR PAWS. IGNORE LOW GROWLS EMITTED BY CAT. GET SPOUSE TO HOLD CAT'S HEAD FIRMLY WITH ONE HAND WHILST FORCING WOODEN RULER INTO MOUTH. DROP TABLET DOWN RULER AND RUB CAT'S THROAT VIGOROUSLY.
7. RETRIEVE CAT FROM CURTAIN RAIL, GET ANOTHER TABLET FROM FOIL WRAP. MAKE NOTE TO BUY NEW RULER AND REPAIR CURTAINS. CAREFULLY SWEEP SHATTERED FIGURINES FROM THE FIREPLACE AND SET TO ONE SIDE FOR GLUING LATER.
8. WRAP CAT IN LARGE TOWEL AND GET SPOUSE TO LIE ON CAT WITH ITS HEAD JUST VISIBLE FROM BELOW SPOUSE'S ARMPIT. PUT TABLET IN END OF DRINKING STRAW. FORCE CAT'S MOUTH OPEN WITH PENCIL AND BLOW DOWN DRINKING STRAW.
9. CHECK LABELS TO MAKE SURE TABLET IS NOT HARMFUL TO HUMANS, DRINK GLASS OF WATER TO TAKE TASTE AWAY. APPLY BAND AID TO SPOUSE'S FOREARM AND REMOVE BLOOD FROM CARPET WITH COLD WATER AND SOAP.
10. RETRIEVE CAT FROM NEIGHBOUR'S SHED. GET ANOTHER TABLET FROM FOIL. PLACE CAT IN CUPBOARD AND CLOSE DOOR ONTO NECK TO LEAVE HEAD SHOWING. FORCE MOUTH OPEN WITH DESSERT SPOON . FLICK TABLET DOWN THROAT WITH ELASTIC BAND.
11. FETCH SCREWDRIVER FROM GARAGE AND PUT DOOR BACK ON HINGES. APPLY COLD COMPRESS TO CHEEK AND CHECK RECORDS OF LAST TETANUS SHOT. THROW T-SHIRT AWAY AND GET NEW ONE FROM BEDROOM.
12. RING THE FIRE BRIGADE TO RETRIEVE THE CAT FROM THE TREE ACROSS THE ROAD. APOLOGIZE TO NEIGHBOUR WHO CRASHED INTO FENCE WHILST SWERVING TO AVOID CAT. TAKE LAST TABLET FROM FOIL.
13. TIE CAT'S FRONT PAWS TO REAR PAWS WITH GARDEN TWINE AND BIND TIGHTLY TO LEG OF DINING TABLE. FIND HEAVY DUTY PRUNING GLOVES FROM SHED. FORCE CAT'S MOUTH OPEN WITH SMALL SPANNER, PUSH TABLET INTO MOUTH FOLLOWED BY A LARGE PIECE OF FILLET STEAK. HOLD HEAD VERTICALLY AND POUR PINT OF WATER DOWN CAT'S THROAT TO WASH TABLET DOWN.
14. GET SPOUSE TO DRIVE YOU TO EMERGENCY ROOM, SIT QUIETLY WHILE DOCTOR STITCHES FINGERS AND FOREARM AND REMOVES TABLET REMNANTS FROM RIGHT EYE. STOP BY FURNITURE SHOP AND ORDER A NEW TABLE.
15. ARRANGE FOR VET TO MAKE A HOUSE CALL.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won, I won! 3rd timethis week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
The REAL Titanic Story
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASLEY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DECAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DeCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiance's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiance, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure that my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person in the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!
***
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, there is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at the Wynnsong Theatre in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happenned.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
***
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink.
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: This can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
CAPTAIN: That was irony, you fools!
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
***
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that the boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course you going to die anyway-
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though, I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELY FIANCE: I hate you people.
***
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR OLD KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten in an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my head hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge
diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)
More Blonde Jokes
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks." The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"
They argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - poof - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." - - - poof - - -
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Did you hear about the blonde that...
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
15. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.
16. Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down"
Problem:
Ten blondes and a brunette were hanging onto a rope that was tied to an airplane. They knew that one of them needed to let go because the weight of all eleven of them would tear the rope and they would all die.
So, they argued back and forth about who was to let go. This went on for a few minutes, until the brunette finally said, "Ok, I'll let go!"
The brunette gave a little speech about why she would go and said her farewells. All of the blondes were so touched, they started clapping.
Problem solved.
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
WARNING LABELS
On a blanket from Taiwan:
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
(Bugger, what am I gonna use now???)
On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists:
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
(Ya don't say....)
On a Taiwanese shampoo:
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink:
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray:
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In an American guide to setting up a new computer:
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On an American Sears hairdryer:
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips:
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter's special!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor:
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious!)
On British Sainsbury's peanuts:
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a Canadian child's Superman costume:
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
On some British frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
(Which one??)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"DO NOT DRIVE A CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY AFTER TAKING THIS MEDICATION."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh! Isn't that the point???)
On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and apply a new definition.
Here are the 2003 winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
RULES FOR FLYING
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
THE “REAL” CHAIN MAIL
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Keep Scrolling
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.
So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, s he died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.
Send it to all your friends.
FRIENDS:
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, wh ose only savior is the 5 cents per
letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
THE WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the boot, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Pussy!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
What do you use those rubber gloves for?
At Sydney Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a Qantas flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al Gebra movement.
He has been charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
EVER WONDERED…
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while
dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used
for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so
safe?
STRANGE SEX LAWS
1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like that makes sense.)
2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection with a mirror. (Makes you hope that you never need surgery.)
3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick???)
4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)
5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (but of course! Maybe they pretend to be mermaids?)
8. In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, but the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room the witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law??)
10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is America a great country or what? .. Not as great as Guam though!!!)
TEN REASONS WHY EMAIL IS LIKE A PENIS
1.Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
2.Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3.Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
4.Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
5.It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6.In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
7.If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
8.If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9.We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10.If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
7) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
8) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9) What do you call male ballerinas?
10) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
12) Why are Trix only for kids?
13) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
14) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19) If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
20) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
21) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
22) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
23) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
LATE NIGHT IRAQ
"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good healthcare plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida."
- Jay Leno
"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN towage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."
- David Letterman
"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline."
-Jay Leno
"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president."
- Jay Leno
"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for
Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out."
- Jay Leno
"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?"
- Jay Leno
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded."
- Jay Leno
"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."
- Jay Leno
"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bushto a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them."
- Jay Leno
"Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio."
- Jay Leno