cinders
i would have avoided discussing this but i think i will for my own sake.
lindsey is leaving in about a month's time to move back to texas and spend her senior year there with her old friends before going off to college.
at first i was really in shock because i knew she had the option to stay and keep her parents here. it was an option they gave her. though she knew her parents would be much happier in texas she still considered both options. i guess going back to texas came as a shock to me because i thought i could make her stay.
she told me that she would be going back. we will still be doing our best to make this work. i love her and i know she loves me. i don't remember the last time i cried before that. i was raised with the solid idea that boys don't cry and i grew up to follow that. she told me she would be going back to help her friends kaitlyn and ryan. kaitlyn has been in and out of the hospital for anarexia (sp?) and on a number of occasions been in threat of dying. ryan moved in with her boyfriend after leaving her family and dropping out of school. ryan and her boyfriend found rough times so ryan is now moving back in with her family. lindsey is going to try and help them the way she did when she lived there.
this was the hardest for me because i knew then that i would always hate kaitlyn and ryan. i wouldn't on porpose but anyone i saw taking lindsey away from me, i knew i couldn't help but have an anamosity for them in the back of my mind. but i was stupid then to think that and i know now the more important truth.
yesterday was my brother's graduation party. i had been working with my parents all week and all of that morning to prepare for it. i had been cleaning and doing chores all morning. people came over at 3:00. lindsey got off work and decided to come and keep me company at home despite the fact that she is still somewhat sick and very tired all the time. she came over and my brother said hello to her as he was doing thoughout the party to everyone who came by. though i didn't notice at the time, when she waved hello to my brother, some of his friends muttered under their voice "ryan chriswald".
ryan is your typical senior who hangs out with freshmen girls type who went around saying to everyone about a month and a half ago that he had sex with lindsey.
today after getting back home from staying over at dylan's house, i wished i would have heard them say it because even if outnumbered 8 to 1 i would have drawn blood. it was like that feeling you get when you figured out the perfect thing to say when it was already too late. so i stood staring at the refrigerator in the kitchen alone wanting desperately to fight someone, anyone when i knew something:
lindsey isn't leaving just for her friends. she is leaving for herself. though i see her cry for me i know this is best for her. she does not have any solid friends here at all. she moved here shortly after i did and i know how much people here can make you feel unwelcome and you are a target until you can dig yourself into a group of friends to protect yourself from offenses. she never did anything to anyone. she never offended anyone or said a hurtful thing behing anyone's back. she doesn't even know the people, my brother's friends who would say such things about her. such innocence is hard to imagine im sure when some may have heard so many things about her. but she did nothing. the only thing she ever wanted was to find friends here. everyone could only be so heartless as to say something, anything to offend someone they never knew.
i will always hate with all i can those of you, especially sara and emma. you are the ugliest people i know. people like you, you heartless and digusting creatures; you have no dignity.
when i would do something with someone else on a saturday night, lindsey would stay at home. she doesn't have any friends here that haven't turned on her at one point or another. i don't need any of you. in two years' time, i will be gone. i'll know who my true friends are. i'll leave you all here and think nothing of you for the rest of my life. so make your petty remarks on the one i would tell anyone i love. and fuck the whores who say love so willingly without any conviction in their hearts.
lindsey is still mine and i am still hers.
~m
"dream child. dream and the world will love you for it. but should your dreams be of me, i will bury you in ash."
-lds
lindsey is leaving in about a month's time to move back to texas and spend her senior year there with her old friends before going off to college.
at first i was really in shock because i knew she had the option to stay and keep her parents here. it was an option they gave her. though she knew her parents would be much happier in texas she still considered both options. i guess going back to texas came as a shock to me because i thought i could make her stay.
she told me that she would be going back. we will still be doing our best to make this work. i love her and i know she loves me. i don't remember the last time i cried before that. i was raised with the solid idea that boys don't cry and i grew up to follow that. she told me she would be going back to help her friends kaitlyn and ryan. kaitlyn has been in and out of the hospital for anarexia (sp?) and on a number of occasions been in threat of dying. ryan moved in with her boyfriend after leaving her family and dropping out of school. ryan and her boyfriend found rough times so ryan is now moving back in with her family. lindsey is going to try and help them the way she did when she lived there.
this was the hardest for me because i knew then that i would always hate kaitlyn and ryan. i wouldn't on porpose but anyone i saw taking lindsey away from me, i knew i couldn't help but have an anamosity for them in the back of my mind. but i was stupid then to think that and i know now the more important truth.
yesterday was my brother's graduation party. i had been working with my parents all week and all of that morning to prepare for it. i had been cleaning and doing chores all morning. people came over at 3:00. lindsey got off work and decided to come and keep me company at home despite the fact that she is still somewhat sick and very tired all the time. she came over and my brother said hello to her as he was doing thoughout the party to everyone who came by. though i didn't notice at the time, when she waved hello to my brother, some of his friends muttered under their voice "ryan chriswald".
ryan is your typical senior who hangs out with freshmen girls type who went around saying to everyone about a month and a half ago that he had sex with lindsey.
today after getting back home from staying over at dylan's house, i wished i would have heard them say it because even if outnumbered 8 to 1 i would have drawn blood. it was like that feeling you get when you figured out the perfect thing to say when it was already too late. so i stood staring at the refrigerator in the kitchen alone wanting desperately to fight someone, anyone when i knew something:
lindsey isn't leaving just for her friends. she is leaving for herself. though i see her cry for me i know this is best for her. she does not have any solid friends here at all. she moved here shortly after i did and i know how much people here can make you feel unwelcome and you are a target until you can dig yourself into a group of friends to protect yourself from offenses. she never did anything to anyone. she never offended anyone or said a hurtful thing behing anyone's back. she doesn't even know the people, my brother's friends who would say such things about her. such innocence is hard to imagine im sure when some may have heard so many things about her. but she did nothing. the only thing she ever wanted was to find friends here. everyone could only be so heartless as to say something, anything to offend someone they never knew.
i will always hate with all i can those of you, especially sara and emma. you are the ugliest people i know. people like you, you heartless and digusting creatures; you have no dignity.
when i would do something with someone else on a saturday night, lindsey would stay at home. she doesn't have any friends here that haven't turned on her at one point or another. i don't need any of you. in two years' time, i will be gone. i'll know who my true friends are. i'll leave you all here and think nothing of you for the rest of my life. so make your petty remarks on the one i would tell anyone i love. and fuck the whores who say love so willingly without any conviction in their hearts.
lindsey is still mine and i am still hers.
~m
"dream child. dream and the world will love you for it. but should your dreams be of me, i will bury you in ash."
-lds